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The Cute Dagashiya Story

by BeingRivy


Working title (no title yet but it will come eventually/ TBA)

Note: This story is made for fun. I have no idea what I want this story to be yet. Please add constructive feedback for this, but make it helpful and not too harsh.

a metallic and sweet unexpected encounter

Sweet expectations

*I want my title to relate to candy or snack taste (salty, savory, sweet, yummy, or umami/delicious/yummy) with words related to unexpected stuff like Kafka, cockroach, sour, and adventure based in and out the candy store in the story*.

Comic Themes: Adventure, Comedy, Isekai, Fantasy, Economy

Pitch paragraph:

Allie and Mac, a bunny and a cockroach that work in a dagashiya, meet a malfunctioned robot that crashed in the park. The two learn about the robot, revealed to be a robot prince, and help him get back home. The robot, with the help from other friends, later on, helps them in their situations. However, little do they all know, a boyfriend tries to find Allie and Mac in a bus rockslide accident, and notices something terrible happening once he found them…

TL;DR Pitch Summary:

A cockroach, bunny, and a robot try to find their true meanings of their lives in their dagashiya shop, after a bus rockslide nearly sent them to their death; a boyfriend tries to find two girls in a rockslide bus crash.

Character Biases and Introduction:

  • Mackenzie Bardot (Macaroni): The sour, ill willed rabbit who’s also sweet inside of herself. Her ill will behavior is weirdly bad, she’s also a nice person deep down and will do anything to help, unfortunately it confuses and annoys some people. And sometimes feels like her friend sometimes takes her side in some situations. But Alie knows that she still loves Macaroni. She is usually accompanied by Alie, and her weaknesses are that: she is quick to believe in the words of others. She is credulous, and (aggressive) on the outside, and doesn’t trust some other people which makes her aggressive, other than the people she trusts.

Macaroni was formerly a human known as Mackenzie who was going to meet her boyfriend. She was the first to know about this boyfriend, and was gullible enough to think Aislinn had another boyfriend, because she never told Mackenzie his name. And the moment they were near the beach in the bus, Mackenize told Aislinn the name of the boyfriend, and then Ailsinn ended up annoyed and upset, and before she could respond any further, she and Aislinn ended up almost on the verge of a death in a bus rockslide crash. When she was a person she enjoyed writing stories and making up stuff with Aislinn, she was also hinted to be a tsundere.

  • Aislinn Fox (Allie) : The young girl cockroach who has a sweet, bubbly, happy, and admiring personality. She now works at a dagashi sweet candy store with Mac, with many good sweets, milkshakes, smoothies, and snacks in one and has a sweet tooth for certain types of candy and sweet stuff. Despite not many people getting to know her, she is actually a workaholic and keeps herself and the candy store super clean. She usually is accompanied with Macaroni. But don’t fool her for her sweetness, especially since she has certain problems. She once had 5 cavities in one dentist trip, and she’s scared of novocaine and euthasia shots and breathing masks, and anything that will make her tired and increase her chances of nightmares. She has lots of cute visions and dreams, and even her nightmares are weird but sweet. Her other weaknesses are that: she doesn’t speak up in important situations (passive), doesn’t always like trying new things until she experiences it and grows it into a habit, and falls for ripoff traps and booby prizes.

Allie is formerly a human who was going to meet her boyfriend (and didn't know about who he was and that he liked her friend) to the beach, and ended up almost on the verge of a death in a bus rockslide crash. When she was a person she enjoyed writing stories and making up stuff with Mackenzie.

  • Orion Smart: The boyfriend of the story. He didn't meet Mackenzie and Aislinn at the beach, because of the bus crash, and he didn't know they were there. Until he saw the news report of the possible rockslide crash, and when he found a girl who looked like Mackenzie, he got shocked and scared. But he also set off on his journey to find his girlfriend and see if they are both ok.
  • Carlin (KaruXX) : The kind boy prince robot android that speaks perfect English in this world, especially his own robot species, but he crashed and got malfunctioned, suffering amnesia. (a serious and risky kinda scrambled amnesia)

Like a meteor ending up as a crashed meteorite after an accident involving a bully,who accuses him for something he did when he was little because the bully’s father was a shopkeeper. He was the one who hit him so hard that he flew off to their world. He crashed to the closest hill at a park near the candy store. He is an assertive person, and ends up being a nice person to almost everyone, except bullies and strangers that bully him. As a poor person in the rank at school and his “goody two shoes” personality, until he goes to his high school. His parents, king and queen of robot royalty are not strict, but when Carlin was younger, they were very strict. With the help from Allie and Macaroni, they helped him practice and fix his speech, since during the landing, it got a bit wet near the lake where he crashed. Carlin's sometimes bad at proving things, and has a temper that doesn’t last long. His weaknesses are that: he can also remember things, but when he needs an upgrade and reboot, he forgets several things easily. Deep down he’s homosexual (because he’s gay, loves other men and kisses men), but on the other hand in the same level he likes and is best friends with Allie and Macaroni.

The whole one-shot plot (Note that the whole comic has to be around 32-40 Pages)

But also note if i wanted it to be a series, make it 32 pages (1 page cover + 31 story pages):

Note that this happened one year after the bus rockslide crash, and two days after the grand opening of the candy store (that looks like a Japanese but party western version of a dagashiya) shop, and only few customers go to that shop. Despite being concerned about this, they persevere and still keep the shop open.

  • Beginning:
  • Conflict and exposition: In their isekai world, the candy and snack dagashiya store they work in doesn’t have many customers because they assume that they think their customers think that the store isn't clean. But the pest and rabbit keep their shop clean. Even if they write a sign relating to this, they still won’t understand. So the shop is misunderstood and new.
  • They want new friends, but they have different situations (foil situation -> sweet and sour/kind and in a temper). They talk about the situation in the store and want something new and need change. Suddenly they hear a loud crash sound, that sounded like a crater thud and a strong whoosh of air and some dust. The two head to the park because that’s where they noticed the crash took place.
  • Middle:
  • Build up: They come to the park to the hill nearest to the candy store. They find a burnt robot that created the “crater”. They help the robot up, and when they help clean the robot up, and pick up his belongings, they learn that he’s the prince of robot royalty. They looked at the robot, and they both fell in love. They ask the robot what they can do to help. And he replies I don't know, because he doesn’t seem to remember his crash, until he sees the papers they picked up and sees that he remembers something now… He has to practice on a speech within three Earth months, because of the king and queen's royalty. All the three know the address, and the lines to the speech, but they were wet with water and ink. But together, the three helped with rewriting and reprinting their story. Even if it took some of their shop’s allowance to make 3 copies of the same speech in case he was hurt all over again and one of them can be the understudy and help him. No matter what it took, they helped the prince boy, and Allie and Mac fought each other for the prince's love. And within a month or two, when he finally remembers the lines by heart, the robot finally begins to gradually remember that he needs to find a way back home. But he doesn’t know how, and he also asks them if they can come along just in case. They get excited and say yes.

Eventually, The two manage to also polish and fix their two-way capsule ride to the address to the robot prince’s kingdom and the two learned that the reason why the robot prince crashed was because of a “big meanie” who punched him so hard several times, that he flew off away from the robot kingdom and crashed to their world in the park. When they finally fixed the place they headed to the robot’s kingdom. Which is actually not too far away by country, but it's as far as an airplane ride. They headed to the place called RoboMetXXP.

Then, when they were almost at their location, they met the bully, who bothered them long time ago, and it was revealed that back then the bully actually accused KaruXX for stealing/shoplifting stuff in stores when he was in 6th grade. (he’s a kleptomaniac and before he was a regular prince, despite living a strict life, he actually steals and when he tell the truth to his parents, they get angry and punish him). So he keeps his kleptomania a secret.

The robot prince and the girl’s got surprised, and got worried and sorry about him, and had no proof how they could solve this. The bully slashes a knife and shoots fireballs from his shooting hands at the target. They get scared and get lost and when they get to the corner of an alleyway, they fear for the worst. But then, the boy’s parents and his robot human friends come to save him. They attack the bully, and the two call the Robot Police and arrest the bully. Even better, the two manage to meet the robot friends, and help them get to the prince’s castle. The robot then tells Allie and Macaroni that he can’t believe he forgot about the tracker that was implanted in his chest and that it got fixed from Allie and Mac earlier in the story, when they helped fixed KaruXX.

  • Climax: They reached the castle, and Karu introduced them to his parents, the King and Queen of the kingdom. Then when he sees the whole crowd Karu gets scared and worries that he can’t survive the speech with this whole crowd in the way, but the two tell them to focus on their very best and stick to the speech and finish it, even if it’s hard. Then Karu gave the speech. Every bit of it. Karu was scared of the crowd in some areas of the speech, but Allie and Mac helped them in his speech. And together, they helped with the speech. The speech was actually about the important help needed to revive the kingdom and he was going to marry someone and live happily ever after in the kingdom.
  • The two were shocked and happy and all the female robots and Allie and Macaroni asked the prince if they could get married. Before the Prince could respond, he seemingly ran towards them, but he actually ran toward a male robot who’s also mainly a lover of the prince. The male said do you wanna marry and the prince who is revealed to be gay, said "yes I do!" And together they kissed each other. All the ladies (except Allie and Mac) got shocked, and got upset and ran toward the prince saying that was a waste.
  • and cried 'Nooo we want to be with the prince and marry me' but didn’t criticize or pout about the situation. Allie and Mac are worried that the prince will forget about them.
  • Falling action: But then the prince said that he has two other people he wants to show them and dedicate them to helping him with his speech. He smiled and they smiled at him, happy that they at least did something, despite their foiling and contradictory personalities.

The king and queen also told them that they forgot to replace the robot voltage batteries of KaruXX after his landing accident from the bully, and that they didn’t need to help him too much. They were shocked and a little annoyed telling them why Prince Karu didn't think about that earlier and that he forgot this because of his short term amnesia problem, but they at least understand, as androids have special rechargeable voltage battery lives that they can easily be bought at a store nearby any place in their world.

The prince said they can visit them anytime. The two were so happy about this, and then went back to their two-way capsule ship, going back home. They crashed, but not in the same spot or at the park but at a far away safe landing spot.

  • The ending:
  • Conclusion: About two weeks later, they were back to where they started, still with few customers like usual, and missing the prince, and despite not getting married or getting what they wanted they finished something and made some friends. Suddenly they hear another customer opening the door, and then they saw the Prince (KaruXX), they were shocked and happy, and asked how did they know they were here, and the prince told them he likes them so much, he tracked his friends there and asks if he wants to be friends with them, despite his homosexual marriage. And maybe do some occasional volunteering for the candy dagashi store if it’s okay with them. They were so happy, they said yes. And he also told them that he has a lot of robot friends who want to buy candy and snacks from their dagashi candy store, and the two were so happy and at the same time they gave the robots what they wanted. They got their work done and with Karu’s help, the three managed to afford a catchy LED cute neon sign for the dagashi business, and a commercial. The last thing KaruXX did before they closed up the shop for the day, is that they suggested he can take whatever 3 candies and snacks he wanted and that as long as he asks the shop owners, and not behave like a kleptomaniac the whole time in the shop. And he took a milkshake, the cola, and caramel soft candy packs for free. And in exchange he gave them something from his world, a pink teddy bear plush toy for the two to share. He says thank you and sees you tomorrow, smiles and gives them a big hug, and leaves.

And that is how the three got to the candy shop business and not just with the candy dagashi store, but with customers and plenty more adventures to come.

Themes: action-adventure, fantasy based, reincarnation, teenagers and girl target, shoujo - BL based twist? (i had a feeling that the robot love part was based on a research on homosexual relationship definition and meaning).

Quote of the story’s catalyst: “ Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. ” - Izaak Walton , an English writer.

Why did I write this story? Because I want to have fun with my imagination and enjoy myself as I’m completely a unique writer, I might not be like anyone else, but I do things my own way and that’s important to find people with common interests, but also enjoy different walks of life.


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Fri Sep 09, 2022 3:38 am
lliyah wrote a review...



Hey BeingRivy,

I don't do a lot of prose writing - but this seems like an excellent way to organize your writing ideas before you get started! It really gives you some good foundations from which to build up your story with the world behind it!

Reminds me of this graphic:
Image
(found the image on this blog: https://amandajmcgee.com/2016/05/20/the ... g-iceberg/)

^ The idea is that behind any great book there's got to be a lot of background to make it work - the ideas, the dreaming, the plotting, the world building, the editting, and re-writing! A lot of prospective writers think they'll be able to just sit down and blast out the world's greatest novel, but the truth is that like anything else worth pursuing writing requires quite a bit of work "behind the scenes" before you reach that final project. My advice: be gentle with yourself when you look at drafts! Doesn't have to be perfect, just move towards improvement!

Okay now on to your content itself -

Title

*I want my title to relate to candy or snack taste (salty, savory, sweet, yummy, or umami/delicious/yummy) with words related to unexpected stuff like Kafka, cockroach, sour, and adventure based in and out the candy store in the story*.


I definitely cringed when I read the word "cockroach" I might stay away from words that might trigger people's phobias or nausea reactions, but it does illicit a reaction. I think your other ideas are stronger though!

A cockroach, bunny, and a robot try to find their true meanings of their lives in their dagashiya shop, after a bus rockslide nearly sent them to their death; a boyfriend tries to find two girls in a rockslide bus crash.


Wow what a creative collection of characters! Don't know if you've read any "archy and mehitable" by Don Marquis, but you might check out his work as he writes about a cockroach and a cat! I'm eager to know how the true meaning of their lives relates to the bus crash as they're both listed as main plot points.

Characters
she is quick to believe in the words of others. She is credulous, and (aggressive) on the outside, and doesn’t trust some other people which makes her aggressive, other than the people she trusts.

I feel like being quick to believe others, credulous and "doesn't trust other people" are contradictory traits within Macaroni. How do those two traits relate?

She has lots of cute visions and dreams, and even her nightmares are weird but sweet

For Allie - I think it'd be really interesting how you would portray that in the context of a piece like this - do the characters often talk about thier dreams?

they learn that he’s the prince of robot royalty.

^ Oh my! That is an interesting detail to add!

The two were shocked and happy and all the female robots

Since male and female are conventionally understood to be a bit more biological &/or anatomical than just like categories that apply to inanimate objects I'm curious what it means that the robots are female or if it's a necessary detail? I think maybe a next task in your planning would be to go into the world building of this "robot world" a little more since there will surely be a lot of questions / details to resolve or discover. I'm also not entirely following if some of these robots are as you put it "homosexual" what exactly that would mean in the robot community... are they part human part robot? To me that seems like a bit of a strange detail for a robot? Like a bee that is a lawyer - I hope this doesn't seem crude but I guess I don't know why sexuality would apply to robots? Maybe something to consider in revisions since there is definitely a lot going on already here.

A slight suggestion there as Horisun suggested, when writing about minority groups a challenge is to not just add "representation" but "good representation" not meaning every minority character has to be the savior/hero of the story or "perfect" but attention should be taken to not perpetuate negative stereotypes at the very least. That will be something you may want to consider in this piece.

Why did I write this story? Because I want to have fun with my imagination and enjoy myself as I’m completely a unique writer, I might not be like anyone else, but I do things my own way and that’s important to find people with common interests, but also enjoy different walks of life.

^ Glad to hear that! I think that's a great outlook to have to write to use your imagination to enjoy writing.

Good luck with your story and writing!

all the best,

alliyah




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Sat Sep 03, 2022 2:24 am
Horisun wrote a review...



Hi! I hope you are having a good day or night!
Outlines are very important in regard to writing your story. I think you've done quite the job in summarizing everything that will happen, and I'm very excited to see how you expand on what you have here. I did find it a bit confusing in some places. From what I understand, your story is a slice of life adventure where two friends work at a shop they run together. A robot prince arrives, in need of help writing a speech he's to read to the rest of his kingdom. The two friends decide to help him complete his address and get him safely back home.
What I didn't understand however, was the whole 'bus' portion. Did they die and end up in this other world? how does this relate the rest of your story? It never seems to be resolved, so is this just something that happened in the characters distant past? Are they really satisfied with their new lives, content never to return to Earth? It seems like you have a pretty decent slice of life fantasy going on with a lot of potential, why include a part about them going to meet their boyfriend at the beach, only to die tragically, if it's never again brought up? It could make your story feel a tad disconnected if left unexplored.
I do think it has a lot of potential though, questions are a good way to keep your readers invested. Also, an outline is mostly for the author, so it doesn't need to be fully polished!

I'm sorry if this is off topic, but I have to ask why "homosexuality" is left on the robots list of flaws? Also, the line "What a waste" reads in poor taste. I could potentially see this as a meaningful arc where his parents expect him to find a wife, but he's simply not interested, and his friends help him come to terms with that part of himself. But as it stands, it reads as insensitive, tokenizing, and a little hurtful.
I'm sorry if that came off as a little harsh, I'm sure you meant nothing by this at all. I'm a member of the queer community myself, and I simply wanted to alert you to some red flags I saw as a reader.

Aside from that, I think this has the potential to be a very cute story I'd be interested in reading! I like slice of life stuff, and I'd love to see more of it in our media. I hope you continue to flesh this story out, and I look forward to seeing what it becomes! Keep on writing, and have a fantastic day! :D





"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
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