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Lifes Semantics

by BeeTeaDubs525


She prays for an eternal rain.

For it to come at an endless depth,

to viciously flood her veins,

and seep into her thoughts like absinthe.


Harboring an existence she cannot bear to sustain.

Slowly, she will wither and burn her blooming amaranth.

She holds no doubts, no need to constrain.

Now carving her skin at an insurmountable length.


She pleads for the stormy tryst.

To wash away the rushing blood,

intensely raining from her wrists.

For those and her own, beliefs that she is flawed.


For the remaining broken taste of his lips.

For the glimpse of her reflection, she was appalled.

For those who scrutinized her lifes semantics.

Now taking a moment, to burn the memories recalled.


She beckons for the eternal rain,

as she lies in shards of her own broken heart.

Somberly lulled by her pain,

she is Wretch and Sorrow incarnate.


Minutes, seemingly hours, dwindle and pass.

Her energy and flow of life dangerously drain.

Along with her memories, abundant, and amass.

Her anguish fades into the captivating storm, with no refrain.


Helpless, she will ascend or descend unto the grasp of demons or seraphs.

Her costly tragedies soon become a soft, long ago occurrence.

As her vision is fading, a shadow echos remembrance.

A blurred form of the man who holds her lifes only importance.


He falls to his knees, with a mournful sway.

Gently cradling her nearly lifeless body, weeping in silence.

Tears stream down as he pleads for her breath to stay.

Death he tries to detour through his remaining perseverance.


It is her Death demands, yet he chooses to abstain.

Though her last moments, he couldn't post-pone.

So her love grasps a gun, fearing he's now all alone.

He kisses her cold lips, as gloomy clouds hide the sun.


Remembering the love he has always known,

he barely recognized her fading through each season.

Thoughts of regret flow through his brain,

as he wishes he could have foreseen her treason.


Fearing a life of loneliness, he trembles as he repents.

He hears nothing but silence as he pulls the trigger.

So there they both lie, and in a sense

their love and pain will forever linger.


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Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:55 pm
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi BeeTeaDubs!

You said in reply to a previous review that you chose not to use as many punctuation in order to make the poem flow better. I could definitely feel that effect while reading the poem and I liked it.

I like the poem itself. It manages to bear this heavy feeling of sadness throughout. It's one of those poems; I can't fully grasp what the poem means, yet it's a thought-inducing read. I think that has to do with the imagaries you create, your choice of words and the depths they render, and of course, the flow the poem has.

"He falls to his knees, with a mournful sway
He gently cradles her nearly lifeless body, weeping in silence."


It was an instant, clear visualization, and emotional too.

"As she lies in shards of her own broken heart
She is Wretch and Sorrow incarnate."


I could visualize the shards resembling glass, as if the heart was frozen before being broken.

As for the meaning or interpretations, I'm not sure. In the literal sense, it's the tale of a double suicide. Depiction of suicide always calls for an in-depth inspection as to whether it glorifies anything. I'm not an expert on that subject, so I won't be getting into that argument. It also connects to the argument on whether art is for the artist or the beholder. If art is for the expression of the artist, the ends become irrelevant. Of course, that's one side of the coin. (I might be going completely off track.)

I think the poetry goes deeper than that. We see it from the POV someone possibly suffering from depression or some other struggle. The thought process or the mental state of the POV character was thoughtfully illustrated. Based on the ending, it could also have a theme of how depression can be contagious. Or, perhaps, the poetry is a illustration of emotional death. Or, it could be something very different.

I think you're a good writer. I certainly like the style of your poetry and I'd love to read more. Keep writing.

Excelsior!

~MAS






Hi there! Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback. I have done some tweaking in regards to the punctuation. Upon further deliberating, I decided to add punctuation to get a better feel for the proper way I was trying to blend different lines. I previously has stanzas and changed it up, but i%u2019ve gone ahead and reintegrated them. I love that you can visualize the emotion. I spent a lot of time fingining meaningful words with good flow and strong descriptive imagery.

The meaning of this poem to me is very literal. I was intent on providing a story of a damaged girl who wishes for an end to her terrible self image and heartbreak. I wanted the reader to feel her emotion, whilst delving into her reason an explanation of just why she is so broken. Then further seeing the tragic aftermath of what suicide does and how it could affect those you love. In her case, the man she cared for deeply. I feel like you definitely picked up on what I was putting down!

Thank you for your encouragement.





Anytime.

P.S. I might've preferred your initial use of punctuation (or the lack of it) as a stylistic choice the meaning attributed to the last full stop. And maybe in a lot of the places of this edit, commas would work better than full stops. But I'd say keep experimenting with it.



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Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:48 pm
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tgham99 wrote a review...



All in all, this is a very interesting and captivating poem to read. I feel like it could have benefited from being broken up into a few different stanzas, but this is a personal preference more than anything else. I like that you implemented a rhyme scheme, with both hard and slant rhymes, because it does a lot to emphasize your main themes of love and pain.

I found this particular line to be a bit awkward, but it could just be that I only read over it a couple of times:

"Will he ever understand her treason?"

I feel like this line would have benefited from either being put into a separate stanza with the directly following lines, but again it's just a personal preference.

You have a mastery of vocabulary that made me associate this poem with some "old-timey" poems in which love and the pain of romance were significant themes; this is most definitely a good thing, because I feel like you do a really good job of tying together these two themes to make the audience feel a certain way.

One last comment: since you opted to keep the poem as one long stanza rather than breaking it up (which is totally fine), it may have benefited from using some punctuation to indicate the beginning and end of a few particular lines or ideas.

Aside from that, this is a very powerful and poignant poem to read -- wonderful job!

:)






Awesome feedback. I really appreciate it.

I previously had stanzas and changed it, I reverted it back and seem to prefer it as well. The line %u201Cwill he ever understand her treason%u201D has been reworked and I think it does the poem more justice. I did some thinking and changed up bits and pieces and added punction. I believe it still flows great, while giving the reader a better sense of what sentences are more relative to each other. I spent a long time choosing words I felt really conveyed the strong emotions I was wanting to have.
Thank you for reading! You rock.



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Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:47 am
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brookeallo wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this poem. The writing style kind of reminded of older poems with the high vocabulary. I love the whole life semantics thing its a really good topic idea and I just love it. There wasn't much punctuation other than a question mark and the ending period. I'm guessing you probably meant for the sentences to just flow without having periods and it does just in the future I would focus on whether you want to use punctuation at all. I loved the beginning lines with the rain and the depth that was just really beautiful. As I review and examine things closer everything just seems to be so much more beautiful. The poem all tied together in the last line which I really liked. This poem is so well written and I think its really really good. Thanks for writing.






Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this! This was written as one of my first poems. I ignored punctuation in hopes that it would be read as slightly flowy. Adding the last period really solidifies the ending of their story to me. To hear you find this beautiful is inspiration for me to continue growing as a writer. Thank you, it means a lot.




"Yesterday you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT."
— Shia Labeouf