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Two Loves

by BeeTeaDubs525

I have a love I have promised my years.

I have a love I can never hold near.

I have a wish that I had waited.

I have a wish that I never left.

I have a dream lacking initiative.

I have a dream deprived of ambition.

I have a longing that never battles.

I have a longing that always fights.

I have an opportunity providing stability.

I have an opportunity conveying connection.

I have a fear something dire is missing.

I have a fear we would never be prosperous.

I have a need to know you are happy.

I have a need to know you are happy.

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30 Reviews

Points: 62
Reviews: 30

Tue Jan 28, 2020 6:22 am
vagrant wrote a review...

First of all, such an interesting read!
Every stanza has a conflicting emotion and it adds to the appeal of the poem.
I like how the last stanza has no conflict where every other stanza does. It shows that although the speaker is uncertain about several other things but is certain that they want their beloved happy.
I loved your writing style. The structure of the whole poem is interesting to me.
The repetition in the last stanza is also good.

Keep up the good work!

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111 Reviews

Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:48 pm
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tgham99 wrote a review...

This poem conveyed a couple of conflicting emotions as I was reading, which I personally found made it all the more interesting. The second stanza in particular stood out to me -- the idea of the speaker regretting their decision to leave perhaps too soon into the relationship or partnership conveys a sense of longing that I myself have resonated with previously, so I applaud you for capturing such a strong emotion with just a couple of lines.

I will say that the stanzas do seem to be very loosely connected; I would have liked to see a couple of more lines that give more insight into the feeling of longing and perhaps more of the narrator's reflection on what it means to feel both stable and fearful of never being "prosperous".

I'm not sure if it was done intentionally, but these lines come off a bit choppy:

"I have an opportunity providing stability. / I have an opportunity conveying connection."

I personally feel that it would have read more smoothly if you had made this change:

"I have an opportunity to provide stability."

But that's a personal preference that may stray from your intended structure.

I also think that the line "I have an opportunity conveying connection" reads a bit awkwardly; I'm having a hard time understanding clearly what "conveying connection" means in this instance, but I could just be muddling your meaning so feel free to disregard this comment if you'd like.

Overall, it's a simple poem that contains a myriad of emotions and I enjoyed reading through it!

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51 Reviews

Points: 365
Reviews: 51

Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:20 am
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Anamel wrote a review...

I don't even know how really to explain this but it made me feel some sort of connection to what you're writing. It's weird but it's like an indescribable emotion lol.

It seems like regret, reflection, two dualities that never rest and always fight, waiting and then leaving, and an endless cycle of all three of those situations and emotions. I like that, at least before the last lines, the poem could be interpreted as other things besides love. Usually the overly romantic, drowning in love type of poetry and writing is a bit irritating while this is refreshing.

It seems like the narrator was too consumed by worry or left and then only realized they wished they had stayed later on but they also aren't likely to do anything about it or return. The last two lines seem like the narrator only wants to know they're happy just to absolve their own guilt, though it probably wouldn't help them all that much regardless. Then again, the present tense also seems like it's still going on and that it wasn't a thing left in the past. It's debatable whether or not they even were in a relationship.

These were my favorite lines:
"I have a wish that I had waited.
I have a wish that I never left.
I have a dream lacking initiative.
I have a dream deprived of ambition.
I have a longing that never battles.
I have a longing that always fights."

There's nothing really to critique here because it's a good balance of being descriptive and detailed but also being simple.

Wow! That is such a compliment. I absolutely love the way you perceived this poem. I love how a poem can mean so many different things to people.

To me, this piece is meant to be simple and full of indecisiveness. Being pulled between two loves, who to choose. What values are more important in the long run in a relationship. Without going into too much detail. I want to read different people's take on it because it really could be about a few different meanings. To hear that it made you feel 'an indescribable emotion' means this poem carried itself well!

Thank you for your wonderful feedback. I'm looking forward to reading some of your work tonight in my free time. I glanced over and am very excited!

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Points: 86
Reviews: 2

Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:55 am
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Fantasywriter30 wrote a review...

You have outstanding artistic skills, bringing creativity and originality to the poem.You make an impact on the reader. No mistakes with grammar, spelling or style. Produced a creative, original poem well-attuned to the real life. Eloquent, clear, interesting, always captures the interest and fires the imagination of listeners.

Thankyou for the wonderful feedback!

“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly