Thank you for all of your helpful comments! I really appreciate it!
“UUUUGGHH!! Why does everything have to be so complicated!?!?”
“What are you complaining about?”
“None of your business, Ty!”
“Geez, chill! I was just asking!”
“Oh shut up! I’m tired of hearing about how everything is just peachy in your life while mine is blowing up in my face!”
“Wow. Okay, I’m leaving.”
“Good! Humfgh!” (Ash crosses her arms on the table and buries her head)
(Tyler exits with his bowl of cereal and juice. Leah enters.)
“Ash!”
“What?”
“What’s gotten into you? What’s going on?”
“Leah, please, not now. Just leave me alone with my misery.”
“Just tell me what’s going on.”
“…nothing. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“I’m serious. You wouldn’t.”
“Fine. I’ll wait.”
“Please don’t. Just go. Let me be grumpy for once.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”
“…”
“…”
“Ugh, *rolls eyes* fine.”
“Good.”
“My life is ruined.”
“Yeah. Heard that. Context, please?”
“My life is ruined because I have to pick which path to take and I don’t know where I want to be; I don’t know where I see myself in, like, 10 years or something.”
“Well, yeah, I suppose this next step is a little tricky and stressful but you just have to pick between two maybe three things. I can help you if you want.”
“But that’s just it! It’s not two or three paths, I have like 20 different paths I could take!”
“20?”
“Okay, okay, maybe I exaggerated a little, but having nine different paths to take is FAR too many! I mean, the most paths anyone has ever had was four, but I have nine. Nine!”
“Yeah, okay, I see your point. It’s a lot.”
“Huff.”
“Well, I could still help, if you want me too.”
“Leah, I appreciate what you’re doing but I don’t see how you can make things any better. This is my future. My future. There’s no reruns or do-overs, if I pick the wrong one—“
“But you won’t—“
“But if I do, I’ll never be able to live with myself! I’ll be stuck regretting it for the rest of my life, wondering what my life would have been if I chose differently. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Well, we still have time to think about it.”
“We have 28 hours.”
“Right. Well, maybe the supervisors will have some advice."
“I did. It wasn’t helpful.”
“Was it at least insightful?”
“No.”
“Come on, really?”
“Yes. Not helpful.”
“Your parents?”
“Nope.”
“Mrs. Sharden?”
“Told me I would just figure it out in the moment.”
“Sam, Jess, Zeek?”
“Happy that they didn’t have to choose from so many.”
“Ty?”
“Ugh. Don’t get me started.”
“Fine, then there is only one last person you can talk to.”
“And whose that, genius?”
“Oh ho ho, you know exactly who that is.”
“No.”
“What? You’re telling me you already spoke to him?”
“…no.”
“Then it’s settled! You’re going.”
“No! Absolutely not! I’m not going there, not to the Teacher, no way! Uh-uh, not a chance. He’s mad!”
“And so are you! Mad with anxiety and stress and anger!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Am NOT!”
“Ash, I’m serious. I’m worried about you, you’re not yourself. He’ll know what to do or at least narrow it down for you. Besides, he was the one who started all of this in the beginning.”
“…”
“Ash, please.”
“…”
“Ash?”
“… fine.”
“Yay!”
“I’ll go, but don’t get your hopes up! I think it’s a waste of time, but what choice do I have.”
“None. You have no choice, you’re going.”
“Right. No choice.”
“Yup.”
“Fantastic.”
“So I’ll see you at breakfast?”
“You won’t be at dinner?”
“Oh, I’ll be at dinner while you talk with the Teacher.”
“Oh, come on! Come with me!”
“You have to go by yourself. Besides, I don’t need the advice, and no way am I going up there!”
“Please please please please! It’ll be fun! Like a fun camping trip!”
“You’re on your own. You can do this.”
“Fine. Whatever. See you tomorrow.”
(Leah snatches an apple off the table and exits)
(Ash, in an annoying high voice)
“‘Why don’t you go see the Teacher? He’ll help you!’”
(Leah shouting off screen)
“I heard that!”
(Ash blushes, crosses her arms on the table and places her head on top)
“Uuuughhh! This is so stupid. This is a stupid idea. The guy is insane, mad, old, wrinkly, probably smelly, hermit living in a creepy cave at the top of the mountain. Give me a break! He’s just going to give me some random proverb and say, ‘You’ll figure it out! Trust your gut!’ or something. Humf. I don’t wanna go, don’t wanna go don’t wanna go I don’t want to go! Uuuurrghhh!”
(Ty sneaks up behind Ash with his empty bowl of cereal)
“Go away Ty!”
“How did you know it was me?”
“I can smell you a hundred miles away.”
“Ah, so you like my new cologne? Nice!”
“That’s not… urgh, just go AWAY!”
“Okay, Okay! Just let me put my bowl away and I’ll get out of your hair.”
“So you’ve noticed my hair?”
(Ty spins around)
“No. That’s not what I… oh ho ho, I see what you did there! You still crack jokes even when you’re depressed.”
(Ty sits across from Ash)
“Ty, I don’t need this right now—“
“Well, you started it, and hold up. I over heard that you are planning to go see the old man up the mountain.”
“So you were eaves dropping.”
“No no no no, I didn’t say that—“
“—but you meant it.”
“Just listen, please? The point is, if you want someone to come with you, I might know someone who will go with you.”
“Who? The Campbells? Because I don’t think I’m up for all of their little ‘life lessons’ and annoying parenting advice—“
“What?! No no no no, I mean they are great at camping and hiking and stuff, but no.—“
“So Ms. Juniper? She’s great and all but—“
“It’s me, Ash. Me. I’ll go with you.”
“You?! No way!”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re, you’re…uh—“
“An experienced outdoorsman with a perfect shot and a heart of gold?”
“Uh, what?!”
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding, but I’m serious though, I know Aspen mount, I could take you there.”
“You. You would take me to the Teacher?”
“Yup.”
“You’re joking, right? I don’t need a guide. Isn’t there a trail that goes straight to the top?”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you’ll know how to navigate it when it gets dark.”
“So I’ll bring a flash light.”
“I mean, yeah, that’ll help you a bit, but look. Point is, I’m offering to come with you and there are mountain lions, bears, and wolves up there—“
“So you’re saying I’m not strong enough?!”
“No! No, no no no no not at all! All I’m saying is: wouldn’t you want someone to come with you? At least for company?”
“You?! Company?! Please! I would rather have the bears, lions, and wolves as company than you! Scratch that. The Campbells and Mrs. Juniper.”
“Ouch. Well, I know when I’m not wanted.”
(Ty gets up to leave)
“Wait.”
“…”
“ah, I’m sorry, I’m just really stressed right now.”
“Uh-hu.”
“—And company would be nice. If you stillwannacome.”
“What was that?”
“I said, youcancomewithme.”
“I’m sorry, come again?”
“I said, you can come with me if you still want to. But you really don’t have to.”
“Oh, really! Well then, we better get moving if we want to make it to the ridge before lunch. Grab your stuff, we’re goin’ hiking!”
(Ty stands up)
“Can you not say that in a cheery voice?”
“Fine. As long as you stop insulting me every 2 mins.”
“Can it be every 5?”
“10.”
“Deal.”
(Ash stands up and follows Ty out the door)
“… thanks…”
“Mm, did you say something?”
“Ty.”
“You’re welcome, geez. All that sass all rolled up into one little lady, who would have thought?”
(Ash hids a smile and blushes. Ty smiles.)
HELLO BECCA i want to say first welcome to YWS. I'm glad you have decided to share your work with us.
now i have to start off by saying, the story itself is good, i enjoyed reading through it and i like how nonchalant everything is. my main concern is towards how jarring the formatting is. i don't want to take too much credit away from you for this because it is something that can easily be fixed through a rewrite. what DOES need to be fixed is the fact that it can confusing at times to figure out who is speaking. we as the reader are left guessing when it comes to who is saying what and that can be a lot of power to wield when we are given such little information to go on.
the characters themselves seem realistic, a bunch of friends conversating with one another. the majority of this work IS made up of dialogue. this can be repetitive at times, and i would suggest adding narration in between. as it seems that you are writing in third person, it is easy to go back and forth between the thoughts of each character. if you decide to go that route, we would be able to get a better feel for the personalities of each character, thus causing us to be more invested in the story.
now if i could make one suggestion, i couldn't help but notice that the way this is written seems MUCH more like a script than it does a work of prose. if you should want to, you can easily turn this into a narrative script rather than having to add narration in between the characters speaking. whichever way you decide to go, i believe you will be able to do it well.
thank you again for sharing your work and i hope to be able to see you around the site more often!
I like this! It's very interesting! I like how Ash keeps trying to push people away but they keep helping her anyways like real friends. They are friends right? It's not exactly clear. I think if you added names before each dialogue it would make things less confusing for the reader because at the start it is a little confusing. For example here I'm not sure who is agreeing to what and who is talking when.
“Can you not say that in a cheery voice?”
“Fine. As long as you stop insulting me every 2 mins.”
“Can it be every 5?”
“10.”
“Deal.”
So you were eaves dropping.
Uh-hu
ah, I’m sorry, I’m just really stressed right now.
You have an interesting and exciting (sometimes making me smile and laugh) dialogue that makes me curious for more. I look forward to reading the full story at some point. The interaction between the characters is fluid.
If the whole text consists more of dialogue and little description, I'm sure you could quickly turn it into a kind of play, or write it like a play.
Hi and welcome to YWS! I'm Plume, here with a review!!
I really like this piece! It was an odd little combination of a script and a story, but I think it totally worked. I'm assuming you did it to showcase the dialogue you've written (which is phenomenal, by the way), and it completely works in your favor.
One thing you did extremely well was your characters. I'm actually very impressed how much you were able to convey with just dialogue. You really have a mastery of it. You've given the readers a complete story with mostly people just talking, which is an impressive feat in and of itself. You've clearly conveyed the conflict, and each character has their own distinct language signature that makes this piece a very enjoyable read!!
One thing I wondered about was the formatting. It sometimes got a little confusing to remember who was saying what. I think, in such a case as this, you might benefit from a more scriptlike structure. So, rather than the way you have it now, which is like a story made up of just dialogue, I wonder if perhaps you could structure it more like this:
ASH: UUUUGGHH!! Why does everything have to be so complicated!?!?
TY: What are you complaining about?
ASH: None of your business, Ty!
TY: Geez, chill! I was just asking!
ASH: Oh, shut up! I’m tired of hearing about how everything is just peachy in your life while mine is blowing up in my face!
“Right. Well, maybe the supervisors will have some advice."
“I did. It wasn’t helpful.”
“So you were eaves dropping.”
112,936 Literary Works • 606,691 Reviews
Points: 525
Reviews: 14
Donate