Hello there!
I see that you're trying to floor out a sad backstory for your character. This is a typical storyline but don't be disheartened. Cliche plot lines are always there to remind us that our story is still mundane. It has to be normal at some point because if it's filled with plot twists or situational irony, then it'll become disastrous.
Now, what makes one writing unique from another is the execution. By placing your own style, it starts to mold into a new identity. It'll become distinct from all the other stories out there. When I read your work, it feels a little hurried. The ingress and egress felt abrupt and it felt like they're hanging on loose thread (i hope this description would make it clearer for you to understand what I'm trying to say, if not, sorry).
I'm also a bit confused with what you're trying to say by introducing the characters. Why was Marshall important? I know that this is just chapter 1, but I didn't see why it was essential to introduce Marshall first before Robert. It had nothing to do with losing his parents or his sad back story, unless you're trying to say that he's being bullied or ostracized by the people around him. It's also weird because you're telling us that Marshall's feelings are repressed, but then he showed his true self through this dialogue,
Poor you, it's so hard being you" Marshall told me in a mocking tone.
If that's the case why does he stick with Marshall? And his group of friends? I think you should expound more on this. I suggest that you should also narrate how Marshall's sad background affects Robert? How does it mold his personality as a friend?
Next,
I hung my head in shame and...i probably should introduce myself.
Is this novel formatted like he's writing this all down in a diary? If it isn't, it was a bit awkward for me to read this. Maybe it's just me, but it would be best if the person doesn't introduce himself. If you could show it through his actions, his lifestyle, the dialogues, and the people around him then his character would be more understandable.
Third would be Grace.
How old is she? How can she be so cunning? Why would she want to humiliate and disturb Robert? I hope you're not using it as a plot device just to accentuate how horrible Robert's life is. You also explain why she garners so much hate, especially towards her brother. Where did it come from? How did it start? I also find it unusual that someone her age could lie like an evil mastermind.
Fourth, the parents.
I feel you. I, too, have parents who pressure me with regards to my grades. However, in
"Robbie my boy, have you decided to study harder in order to make up for that last math test?
Why can they never ask how biology class is going on, art or P.E.?
I think Robert's question is missing something. Based on the context, his parents asked him that question because he failed (had a low score? Average score? Or a high score that was still low enough for his parents) not because it's math. His parents can start asking that question in any of the subjects he's having problems with as well. If Robert wanted his parents to ask him in those aforementioned subjects, it meant he'd excelled in them. He wanted them to see the good side of his studies. I suggest adding, "Why do they always focus on the things I'm not good at? I'm not perfect enough to excel at everything," or something similar to this.
"I heard they put lots of food colouring in these cereals and that it can have negative effects on children's health, such as learning impairment. Dad, mom, don't let such things happen to poor Gracie! Don't let her follow in my math-hating footssteps because of garbage food! She should have healthy oat meal instead"
I hope you don't feel offended but the tone and the usage of words clashes. He had this childish tone yet he's trying to talk smart and mature (maybe it's just me). Also, I don't think learning impairment would ensue something emotionally related such as "math-hating." Hating and liking something is a choice.
Lastly,
They hugged us goodbye on this wretched day
When he described the day as "wretched" it was like he knew that his parents were going to die. Also, when the siblings (and also the readers) were informed it was a bit abrupt. It was hard to feel anything because the parents were introduced as irritating, imposing, authoritarian. They became more of a plot device than actual people. I hope you could change that.
There are also minor errors such as wrong spelling and consistency with the tenses but I don't want to point them out yet because I think you should focus more on the plot and the characterization of the novel. It is also too short for a chapter because the average number would be 1500 - 5000 words so I hope my suggestions helped you discern what to add
That's all. I hope you don't feel overwhelmed with my review. If I sounded rude in some parts, I'm really sorry and please point it out to me so that I can avoid it next time. Your writing has so much potential! Keep writing and tag me when you've updated this. Many thanks:)
Best regards,
Kattee x
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
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