Two hurt children in the cruel, wide world
Religious yet not always doing what we're told.
Feeling the guilt of our past mistakes in full,
Wondering who is more culpable, who is a fool.
In the ebony night we supported each other,
Our secrets are shared, our love for The Father,
United us together, being in perfect harmony,
Your infectuous laughter created a symphony.
We were silly children discussing cartoons
Blabbering nonstop and perhaps for eons
You used to put your arm around me gently,
I would blush like a maiden, melting instantly.
It felt as if you gave me many false hopes,
But it was not like i was singing you odes,
And although i felt you were not the one,
Your friendship i wanted, but you were done
With our relationship, so i should move on
When i dream of you, i forget you come dawn.
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,717 Reviews
Hey there!
This is a nice poem! Your title asked a question, and that's what caught my attention, because I wanted to know what the answer was. Your line length is pretty consistent, which makes this poem pleasing to look at. I have a few things I'd like to point out. Now of course, these are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't agree
I think your poem would benefit from stanzas. Right now, it's a block of text and could look intimidating to some. Stanzas would make your poem an easier read.
"But it was not like i was singing you odes,
And although i felt you were not the one,
Your friendship i wanted, but you were done
With our relationship, so i should move on
When i dream of you, i forget you come dawn."
You capitalized your I's for the whole poem up until here. I wonder if you accidentally forgot to capitalize them here, or if you did it intentionally to portray the shift of emotions. I'm not sure what your intention was, so I thought I'd point it out.
"United us together, being in perfect harmony,"
It may just be me, but "being in perfect harmony" sounds a bit strange. How about "living in perfect harmony"?
"Our secrets are shared, our love for The Father,"
You use past tense everywhere except for this line. I would recommend changing it to "Our secrets were shared" to be consistent in your tense.
"It felt as if you gave me many false hopes,
But it was not like i was singing you odes"
Perhaps I am missing something, but I don't get what the second line has to do with the first. You say the speaker didn't sing odes - what does that have to do with having false hopes? Again, I may be missing something, so pardon me cx
Overall, this is a nice poem, and I hope this review helped!
Hello again!
I am back once again to review this poem of yours. And I must say the content and title of this poem are as beautiful as your username. The last lines are, according to me, most beautiful, for they show the strength and courage required to move on in life without looking back. How beautifully written! All your poems I've read till now, are so amazing! I really feel fortunate to be able to read your works. You are a great writer. I would love to read more of your works in future!
Best Wishes
Mahira
Heyo,
Like your username your work does sparkle. I found it moving. The rhyme scheme was smooth. While reading I was put at ease and yeah it has a beautiful rhythm goin' on. It has this emotional and cheerful tinge of Colors sprinkled all over the words which made me hook up till the very end.
I found this work so genuine. I love these following lines, especially:
Putting those emotions in words needs much of a presentation. The style of writing and right choice of words will do wonders. Yours did.
Thank you sharing this here.
Looking forward for more.
Keep up the writing!
Hi Beautiful sparkle,
At first I would like to say that I loved the topic you chose and yess of course the title !
The title"Was it love "suits it very well.
I loved how you combined the words "FULL" and"Fool" in this poem.
According to me ,You started well and also ended well but I suppose there was a lot to write and describe in the middle.
Like not only talking about cartoons ,you can also talk about many different topics.
I loved this line" In the ebony night we supported each other,.
But yes on the other hand you had many chances to describe.
And yes another thing,Please dont mind,....Ummm I thought at certain moment you lost the flow.
I think thats it !
Oh yaa...
Welcome to YWS!
I hope you will enjoy here and if you have any questions feel free to ask .
In this lockdown Iam more or less always online at this site.
So you can also text me.
Well then...
Keep writing!!
From Sulagna
Hi Beautiful Sparkle!
There are a lot of complex dynamics going on in this poem and I like that a lot. It's a little bit ambiguous as to which of these factors are viewed in a positive or negative. There's almost a casual overtone of all these factors as if the narrator is describing a series of things that just happened- right up until that last line. Up until then it sounds just like some good friends and some reciprocated feelings in the past but that last line creates such a sense of lingering.
It's the change in tense that does it. Up until that point everything is in the past but the fact that it says 'when I dream' rather than 'that one time i dreamt' implies something that still keeps going on, and that's quite tragic.
I think you could do with working on the rhythm a lot more. I couldn't find any way to make the rhythm work so I had to read it like prose. Sometimes it helps to get someone else to read something out loud to figure out where the stresses naturally fall on each word.
Nice work. Keep it up!