Young Writers Society

Hi Beautiful Sparkle,

(First, WELCOME to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site so far!)

I'm almost always a fan of people trying out spiritual and religious poetry as spirituality and Jesus Christ are huge parts of my life. Thanks for having the courage to post this, what a beautiful reflection you've made!

I've got some feedback poetically ~

Language Choice

So a common problem with religious poetry, is that a lot of times because there are fewer and fewer good modern examples of it, people feel they need to go kind of "olde english" "King James" about it... and that can make the language and content feel archaic and artificial. There were a few instances of that in here with "undeserving of your mandrel" (I had to look up what a mandrel meant, and can't imagine anyone saying that in day to day conversation!).

If you want to spice up the language a bit more or make it "feel" more religious, rather than formalizing your language, I'd encourage you to utilize metaphors found in the psalms -> the psalms are written in lyrical and poetic form and are filled with wonderful poetic devices including heart-catching metaphors like rivers, roots, suns, family, light etc. Using some of these common scriptural metaphors can help give a "religious feel" to your poem and give it depth poetically.

I think this will connect more with modern readers if the language is a bit less formal - it can still be worshipful without being archaic if that makes sense.

Personal Impact & Specificity
That brings me to another point; I think the poem could be a lot more personal! Sometimes people feel a bit concerned putting their own life into theology like it is imposing or something, but really the Bible is for us, Christ is for us, and the words of the gospel are for us - it's okay if the language and experience is personal! And that'll make the poem connect even more with readers. There are parts where the poem gets a little personal like "you saved my soul" .... and "with you by our side we will always win" - but nothing specific. I think it'd be more impactful if the speaker went a little more specifically into what grace means for their life, not just what it means in general. Don't be afraid of a strong "I" voice in religious poetry!

Rhyme Scheme
There were some issues with the rhyme feeling forced - specifically when the line became very very long in order to accommodate the rhyme. Rhyming ideally should give poetry a more lyrical and flowing quality, but when it breaks up the line or causes unnatural phrasing, it ends up doing the opposite. I'd encourage you to work on making those line lengths more consistent - and also reading the peace aloud when you're done to check out how that rhyming is working.

Theological Message
My favorite aspect of this piece, is perhaps a bit relative to each reader, but in religious poetry I'm always going to evaluate, is the message edifying or is it potentially destructive to readers. In this case you did an excellent job of clearly communicating the gospel without doing anything weird theologically or giving qualifications to salvation - > you put the gospel right on Christ's shoulders given to us! Right where the promise belongs. This clarity is wonderful, and means your poem can witness very powerfully to believers and non-believers alike.

You also created a nice arc of the story of a Christian Life -> starting with sin and law and moving to grace -> this provides a nice "plot" and "conflict" to the poem to keep readers interested, without alienating readers with a false perfectionism. Well done.

I hope you continue to consider to write religious poetry, it's one of my favorite genres. Happy writing!

~alliyah

Hello Beautiful sparkle! Tuck here with a quick review for you.

I liked the strong religious theme that you chose for this poem. You stayed true to a single theme while exploring many aspects and implications of your subject. The thoroughness is commendable. I also liked the tone of awe that you had throughout this poem. It fit with the spiritual theme of worshiping a higher power and expressing gratitude to

That being said, I think there are two main ways you could improve this poem. The first is by cutting the forced rhyme. Rhyme can be a powerful element for establishing a flow and a rhythm, but in this case it seems as though it's compromising your creative potential. You're limited in terms of word choice by what rhymes with the ending words, and I think it's stifling your creativity here. Rather than focus on rhyming words, I would focus on creating stanzas and intentionality with line length. It would have the same effect but will leave you much more room to express yourself without regard to how words sound. In the same vein, I think adding stanzas would help flesh out these themes, provide some narrative transitions between different ideas, and contribute to a sense of flow and rhythm. Separating this text into smaller, more manageable chunks make the lines more hard-hitting. It also allows for you to develop and tell a story throughout the poem.

Secondly, using some more metaphorical language here will have a stronger impact than simply stating facts. For example, rather than talking about Jesus' crucifixion, describe the crown of thorns and the blood running down his face. Rather than saying Jesus is the light of the world, describe the way he liberated his disciples from lives of sin and gave them an opportunity to walk with Him. Share some of your own story within that to give it more power and a personal note. These are just some examples of ways you could use non-literal language, or show rather than tell, to have a stronger impact on your reader.

I hope these critiques were helpful to you! If you have any questions about this or YWS, please feel free to contact me. Keep writing!

Best,
Tuck

Hello Beautiful Sparkle!
Stellarjay here for a review.
First off, this was a truly unique and beautiful poem. It's always awesome to find a sibling in Christ!
1) "Your lovingkindness makes me see" you missed a space, it should be - "Your loving kindness makes me see"

2) Try not to use parentheses as much as possible. If you have to explain something, try to incorporate it into the poem. Or if you still want to use parentheses, make it go along with the poem. Sorry if that was confusing!

3) I would try as much as possible to use commas and parentheses, just to create some sort of break between the stanzas. It'll also flow nicer too! (you don't always have to use commas etc in a poem though.)

Other than that it was a very meaningful poem! it had a nice flow and rhythm to it! Keep up the good work!

- Stellarjay

Hi! Beautiful Sparkle,
Your poetry is so beautiful! I don't have words to describe, how much I liked it. It is so different, so unique and so true. The topic you've chosen is so awesome and an exquisite one. I can't praise you enough for such a beautiful piece of work, for I am running short of words. But all I want to say is that it is a wonderful piece of work and you should try to make it reach a wider circle of readers. I wish you a good luck for future and hope to see more such works from you. Keep it up!

Best Wishes
Mahira