“Keep your chin up.” Melody’s mother reached over and lifted her chin, then tucked away some of her curly hair. “You’ll like him, I promise.” She smiled, but her gray eyes were earnest. Melody smiled back, knowing her mother wanted her to like the new beau. She hadn’t met him yet, but the way that her mother went on about him Melody thought he sounded like the prince in a fairy tale. Too good to be true.
Her brother sat on the seat next to her, staring out the window. Neither child was looking forward to seeing the man. After the recent death of their father they just weren’t interested in a new one, though their mother seemed to have jumped at the chance to not be alone.
“Hey look.” Jasson pointed out the carriage window. “It’s a castle!”
Their mother smiled, “Not just any castle. That’s Aiden’s castle.”
“Aiden lives in a castle?” Jasson looked back, his brown eyes wide. “Are we going to live in the castle?”
Melody crawled over the seat to look out the window. To their right, a long, sprawling lawn cozied up to a castle that poked impressive spires into the evening sky. She inspected the castle and then turned to her brother. “It’s not a castle. A castle has a moat.”
“It is too a castle!” Jasson glared at her.
“It doesn’t have a moat!”
“Castles don’t have to have moats, Mel!”
“Then how is it supposed to defend itself from invaders? They could just march in the front door!”
Their mother laughed, placing a white, gloved hand on each of her children’s shoulders. “Calm down, children.” To Melody she said, “It is a castle, but no one attacks castles nowadays. We don’t have to worry about enemy soldiers marching in the front door.” Jasson looked at her triumphantly and Melody crossed her arms, scowling. “But,” their mother continued, “if there was an enemy, Aiden could easily draw the doors shut and put a heavy metal bar down behind them to make sure no one could just waltz right in. The villagers would also protect him, and he has soldiers and guards posted everywhere, just in case.”
To Melody that wasn’t enough. What if the enemy came with a sorcerer? What if his metal bar didn’t hold back the armies because giants walked with them? How would they be safe then? When she expressed her concerns to her mother, the woman laughed again and patted her head, saying she had a wonderful imagination but things like that just didn’t happen anymore. All the giants were working in quarries, and all the sorcerers were paid so they wouldn’t attack small fiefdoms like this one.
When the carriage stopped and they got out onto dusty ground, Melody looked around suspiciously. She’d have to explore the walls herself. Just to make sure it was safe for her mother. The guards around them were dressed in leather armor and strolled around carelessly. Melody frowned at them, trying to convey her disappointment that they weren’t standing at attention, waiting for the inevitable attack. None of the guards noticed her. Instead, she was ushered inside with her brother by a busy looking maid. Her mother drifted along behind them, her eyes shining with anticipation. In her hands she wrung a white kerchief, the only sign of her nervousness.
Once inside, Melody had to admit that it would be very nice if they could live there. The front room was large and could fit over a thousand men, she was sure. This was the room that used to hold the long tables which would feed the people in the castle. She knew that from the books she had read. But instead of a long table waiting to be used, there was a long, thick carpet colored deep red. The walls were lined with portraits and tapestries and shields, and from the ceiling hung two crystal chandeliers, giving light to the entire extravagant place.
To one side was a large, sprawling staircase with a fancy, dark red banister and a gargoyle snarling at the head. Another gargoyle crouched at the bottom of the last step, ready to pounce on anyone daring enough to go past it. Melody was intimidated. This place was much bigger than their father’s home.
“Ah! I thought I felt a spring breeze blow into my castle!” Melody’s eyes were drawn to the top of the stairs were an important looking man was striding down. His smart black coat was embroidered in gold and silver, and a white and gold cravat sprung at his neck. He was fixing the white cuffs that flourished from under his sleeves as he made his way down, his eyes on her mother. “My lady Josephine, you’re looking as lovely as ever.” The smile on his face was charming, and there was a wickedly mischievous light in his eyes that Melody only noticed as he turned his gaze to the two children in front of his lady. “And you two must be the cubs!” He got to the last step and seemed to sparkle.
Melody blinked the stars from her eyes as he came over. The man was smiling at her as he held out one large hand to her. She took it, intending to shake, but found that he had other plans as he kissed her fingers. When he let go, there was a large silver dollar in her hand. Melody stared at it. He knew magic?
“You’re every bit as lovely as your mother, young Melody. Try not to break too many hearts while you stay here.” Close up, she could see that his eyes were a dark blue with a few flecks of silver to lighten them. His hair, which looked pure black from far away, was starting to silver at his temples and was so deeply black that she was certain she could see blue. Melody thought she saw a crook in his nose, but it didn’t matter. He was a handsome man. No wonder her mother was enchanted.
Her mother laughed, hitting Aiden on the shoulder with her handkerchief. “Oh, Aiden. Stop teasing. She’s not nearly old enough to be thinking of that sort of thing.”
He turned to her brother and stuck out his hand, shaking the young boy’s hand firmly. “And you must be Jasson!” He smiled. “You’ll be the top of the line in whatever you choose to do, I can see your mother’s spark in your eyes!”
Jasson and Melody exchanged looks. They had always been told they took more after their father. Jasson and Melody both sported dark brown, curly hair. While the waves were unruly on Jasson’s head, they formed long, lose curls for Melody. Jasson’s small set face was clear of freckles, and his nose was straight. He had the same set to his jaw, and even the same stride, that Jonathan Niccon had while he was alive. To Melody, he looked exactly like their father, he even had identical chocolate brown eyes. When he was older she was certain he would boast the same broad shoulders and tall frame as well. Melody didn’t have to look in a mirror to see the contrast. Her eyes were a solemn gray, something she had acquired from their grandmother, and her nose was small. She had a slight frame that again came from their grandmother and a smattering of freckles that her mother claimed from her spending far too much time climbing trees. The only thing she shared with her mother was a fine bone structure and the high cheekbones that hailed from the Southern Region. It was clear that the man was intent on flattering their mother, and there was nothing they could do except thank him. Even though each child held a silver dollar in their hands, neither felt as charmed as their mother looked.
Aiden then stood and took Josephine’s shoulders gently in his grip and kissed her forehead gently. “And you, my dear, I am so happy you decided to come.”
“Well, after that display in the park I couldn’t possibly say no.” Josephine’s eyes danced; she looked at Aiden with such affection that Melody had to turn away. That look had always been reserved for their father.
The man laughed, a rich, dark laugh that rolled around the hall. “That was exactly how I planned it. Come, I have dinner for you waiting. I thought you might be hungry after your travel.” He slipped an arm around their mother and started to lead her away. Melody caught his hand at the small of her mother’s back and felt a pang of something. Handsome man or no, silver dollars excluded, Melody didn’t like him. From the way Jasson turned his silver dollar in his fingers she could tell that he didn’t either. “Come along, children, you’re probably starving.”
Melody and Jasson slowly trailed behind the two adults. Melody kept her eyes on the floor, or the walls, or the next tapestry, anything but the couple in front of them. Jasson, however, was studying them so sharply that Melody was certain she could hear his mind cranking to come up with a plan. She ignored it for now. He’d tell her later what he was thinking.
Aiden led them into another large room. This one dazzled in pale colors, the floors were polished white stones, the walls marbled white and black and just as brilliant. The long table was covered in a perfect white table cloth that was edged in pretty scalloped lace. Candles and lanterns hung on the walls and illuminated the room as if it was day, and several windows lined the longest wall, looking out into the deepening sky. Melody went over to one window and peered over the sill; dark silhouettes of nearby hills and distant mountains crowded the window and a nearby forest stretched over the hills like a fuzzy carpet of green twilight.
“Melody, come eat something.” Josephine was being seated by Aiden, smiling at him gratefully even as she addressed her youngest.
She stared out the window for a moment more before going over to the table and climbing into a chair near her mother. The table was spread with every kind of food a person could want. From a whole, roasted turkey and a nearby ham shoulder to rice and gravy to potatoes mashed with butter and garlic to sweet, red sauce and bread with butter. There were green beans studded with almonds and cranberries and white broccoli with cheese drizzled over the top. From what Melody could see, there were even pastries all the way at the end of the table. It was a feast.
“I wasn’t sure what your children liked, so I had the cooks make a little bit of everything.” Aiden smiled at the table ruefully. “I had no idea it would make so much.”
Melody looked at her brother to see what he thought, but he was already digging in.
“Jasson! Where are your manners?” Their mother gasped, horrified, but Aiden just laughed.
“Let him eat. We’ll worry about manners later.”
Josephine looked at Aiden and relented, only to pick up a fork and point it at Jasson meaningfully. “At least say thank you!”
His mouth full, Jasson looked up and gravely said, “Thank you, Aiden sir,” before diving right back into his food.
Melody ducked her head to keep from giggling. When she was certain that her face was under control, she selected a nearby roll with butter and bit into it. It was heaven. Before she knew it, she had a plate full of food and was stuffing her mouth with anything she could get her hands on. The odd thing was that she hadn’t been hungry before, but now she was ravenous. Briefly she wondered if she should have more manners and looked over at her mother, expecting to be chastised as Jasson had been. Josephine and Aiden were talking in quiet voices, heads bent together as if they were telling secrets. Her mother had a smile on her face and Aiden had his hand over one of hers. Neither of them were eating. Melody changed her mind. She took an extra-large bit of turkey and chewed noisily, but her mother didn’t even glance at her. Aiden leaned forward and put his forehead against Josephine’s and the two stared at each other in a decidedly disgustingly loving way. Melody thought she might gag.
Stuck with pins of frustration, Melody went back to her food with a vengeance, soon clearing the plate of all its food. She was so busy eating that she didn’t notice the feeling of drowsiness until it hit her like a freight train. With a full tummy, she slumped back, fighting to keep her eyes open. Across the table, she could see her brother struggling with the same thing, only he wasn’t finished eating. His hand, holding a drumstick, fought its way to his mouth before dropping as his head fell against his chest. Melody didn’t even hear the food hit the floor. Her eyes fell shut and she dropped into a heavy, dreamless sleep. Her last thought before she was completely gone was that it was strange that her mother wasn’t eating. It was almost as if the feast had been laid out specifically for the children.
End of chapter
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I'm not sure what to say. At first I got an impression that it was a lot like "Ella the Enchanted" when you mentioned castle and giants, but it didn't last long. It seems interesting enough, but I couldn't grasp the age of the kids. At first I thought Jasson was older than Melody, but then I became unsure. I thought he was around seventeen, but later I thought they were twins and even later I went back to thinking he is a bit older. It'd be good if their age was more clear.
Since I'm not native English, I'd say you have a language that is easy to understand, which is good. You have good descriptions, and it is possible to relate to siblings, getting a new father and not liking him.
Last part made me really worried about children, since a mother went along with it, it seems really creepy. All in all, not bad. I'll continue reading.
I came out of pure curiosity, finishing up as a reviewer..
It's very nicely written, I'd say - it flows easily and it's not at all hard to understand or follow (which I always pay attention to, not being a native English speaker).. It may be good, though, if you said a bit about Melody at least. Not much, as I think it's better to discover little pieces of description through the whole novel than all in the first chapter, but it may be easier to connect with her if I knew at least how old she was. At first I somehow thought she was a teenager, but later she seemed younger, though again with some "older" thoughts. Her brother is obviously older than her, but it would be nice to know of his exact age as well ^^
I liked how she worries and doubts Aiden, and her statements of magicians and castles (it makes me think there will be real magic and stuff in the book later). It's maybe a bit strange that she drops her worries and just starts eating, though later you explained it, saying how she suddenly felt hungry.
As for the end, and I have to reflect what Stella said bellow, I think it's great this way. That way of twisting it works perfectly for me - i love both reading and writing that way.
No matter how many times I read those last two or three sentences, it gives me kind of creepy feeling, and I wish to know what will happen next - I really felt connected better with Melody in that last chapter. Perhaps there is something in what Stella said about putting thing that happened last before the thing that happened a moment ago.. But if I read it the other way around, the creepy-ish feeling appears at "for the children." and then it fades away again. Ok, she loses conciseness.. But that doesn't have the same pulling power for me at all.
I'm really looking forward to reading the next parts, I hope you'll upload them too ^_^
Kind regards,
Aria
Auuuug.... I always have issues with describing the characters! I tend to see them in my head and take for granted that other people don't see 'em like I do... actually, their ages are a little lost on me, too. I'm thinking pre-teens. 13 and 14. Maybe a little older? It's hard to say. I want Melody young enough to be influential, but old enough to smartly go about the book. Buuuut, I still want her to grow as a person. The story itself is going to stretch over most of her young teenagerdome, so I want to start young. I'll admit, though, that when I started the book I wanted her to be younger than 10, so part of that still slips into her dialogue and behavior. I guess I'm still trying to figure her out!
And a creepy feeling at the end is precisely what I'm going for. :] It's supposed to be ominous, and dangerous, and make you think, 'wait, why would the dinner be set out specifically for the kids...? And why are they suddenly sleepy? WHAT IS GOING ON, HERE?' Or something of that sort of reaction... so I'm happy you got the ominous feeling! :3
Also, I fully intend to upload most, if not all, of it on here. I just posted the second part (and the 'chapters' are really just sections I've broken the story into, I'll figure out real chapters later)--but the third part needs work. Just after the last sentence in Cha. 2 things start falling apart in what I've written so... we'll see!
Thanks for the review! :]
Haha, that kind of sounds familiar :p I think 13 works just fine -maybe even twelve, if it's more important for her to grow than to have some teenager-ish feelings and stuff around the beginning of the book. A lot of people see children as far less able to go smartly than they really are, so I like to see that a writer doesn't underestimate them.. especially if the kid is put in a serious situation, which seems to be the case here ^^ so feel free making her as young as you need :3
I was suspicious of the whole situation just then, at the moment she dropped everything for food and started feeling really hungry and sleepy after a while.. So yes, you did the thing you were going for 
I just read that last sentence again, and the feeling is still (again?) there, so you succeeded it as far as it goes for me
...and I'm off to the next chapter ^_^
Hi Baroness!
So when I read this over the first time I originally didn't like your style at the beginning, I thought it was really childish. But as you went on, it really grew on me and I realised just how marvellously appropriate it was for the chapter, since of course we are seeing everything through a child's eyes. I liked how touchy the kids were about the lack of a moat and all the dangers that could approach them- and their mother- in the castle. I really liked that. I loved the dynamic you created between Melody and her mother- that she cares for her mother and loves her deeply, but that doesn't mean she isn't still a little resentful.
So all in all, the first half of this, I loved, right up until the feast scene.
It bugs me that all of Melody's misgivings go away at the sight of food, even though she still had them upon meeting Aiden. It seems like a little bit of a cop-out. I would definitely, if I were you, make her seem a little more suspicious. It's strange that both her and her brother give up and eat. I liked how she started eating more when she saw her mother and Aiden staring at her- in fact this is where I think she should have started eating in the first place. A sort of distraction. To just start before that with very little precedent set just feels weird. So maybe consider changing the order of events?
Also, the line, "she dropped into a heavy dreamless sleep" I think should come at the end. Jumping back to her last though afterwards is awkward. If a character loses consciousness, the loss itself I think should always be the last line. Because how would they know what was happening after that?! But that's just a nitpick.
So overall I really liked this, but I think the last few paragraphs would benefit from some change.
Also I'd like to know a little more about Melody and Jasson- what age are they, that sort of thing.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Actually, it should bug you immensely that her misgivings just sorta evaporate with the food. That is sort of the purpose of the meal! I wanted her to be suspicious right until that first bite, and then everything else would just slip away. Since it's from Melody's standpoint and her thoughts sort of evaporate with the food, I didn't want to make any omnipotent sayings that would describe precisely what was happening... Although you make a great point in how it can be changed--I think you're right about /when/ she should start eating. Definitely after she notices her mother and Aiden bent together in their little secrets. I'm going to change that as soon as I get the chance (if I edit too soon too early, all I'll be doing is editing!).
The last line, yes, it is a little out of place. It's the last thought right before she drops off into a heavy sleep. Sort of an afterthought, a moment of 'wait, something is not right' before she's out like a light. It's meant to be spoooky and ominous, make the reader think and question, sort of thing. Too obvious?
Also, yesssss... I have serious issues with characters, descriptions, ages... blehhhh... I was reading over and attempting to think of a place where I could put in a description of the children, but I can't find one... any ideas?
Thank you for the crit! I really appreciate it. :]