Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Note: This is a sequel to another poem I wrote a few days ago(Incubus). I tried to work on my biggest problem(that being punctuation) hoping that this would be a bit better than before, but I might have messed it up even more. Nyhooo enjoy. All critiques are appreciated.
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Bewitched she glanced, a titan among mortals he stood;
Flustered she connived, his essence she sought;
Enticing - enthralling with her venomous femininity;
Into her realm, a world of shadows, him she brought.
A tune she hummed, visions of eternal glory she spun;
Of desires she whispered, visions of his rule she summoned;
Of lust, of insatiable hunger she spoke;
His supremacy crushed - subservience absolute; her will she moaned.
Enthralled him she left, a mortal in her wake;
Bent to her will - a serpent, around her entwined;
Titan erewhile, a thrall evermore,
Another trophy; for evermore across her shoulder draped.
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139,743 Literary Works • 672,686 Reviews
Hi there,BaronFlame.Have a good day,so here is Dark to give review on your fantastic poem!
Honestly, I like your writing style that looks strong and attractive. Your own imagination makes me completely blown away.It's seems like you're more likely to write poetry on narrative form with strong diction here.
#Bewitched she glanced, a titan among mortals he stood;
Flustered she connived, his essence she sought;
Enticing - enthralling with her venomous femininity;-->you are almost turn the 6th senses that lead readers to explore the space of imagination created by yourself here.
I absolutely like this kind of poem.Keep it up and good job.
kudos,cheers
~Dark
Thank you. I am glad that you found it interesting.
I took the advice you and the others gave me and did try to work a bit on proper punctuation. I'm happy it turned out better than before.
Translation:
This bewitched girl secretly allowed his essence that she sought. He (i have to guess) is enticing her into his realm of shadows that he brought?
Do you understand a single thing you are saying or do you just ramble up words 'til it looks like a watered down version of Poe and expect us to mold your meanings to our own definitions? What I am saying is, it does not matter whether or not you understand these words to be perfect you have lost your reader and failed the easiest job a writer has: telling a story. You want to sacrifice clarity for rhyme you should know- clarity is always king. At the very, very best, if I read and interpreted this wrongly you have gobbledygook.
1. language that is meaningless or is made unintelligible by excessive use of abstruse technical terms; nonsense.
Although this definition would apply to excessive metaphor's and even that is better then this. You use words to try to sound smart, try to make the way you write sound like a genius and don't care whether or not you make any sense at all. I am guessing though, this is the things a reader thinks of in the deep down back of his mind.
Your biggest problem is not punctuation; I promise you that. Punctuation is something that sometimes can be random, its not always important but this is a eternal fall in the way you choose to write.
All I am saying in this is to find your bias. If you want to tell a story to the average audience then its simple, tone it down cut off the words you don't need and add imagery. If you want this thing that sounds like gobbledygook then keep going with this.
I don't want you to think I am trying to be rude either, these words are said with love.
-hero
In all honesty I consider your review as the best piece of writing I have come across. You clearly have taken upon yourself the duty of informing me that I am the most idiotic writer, that is if I am worthy of being called that, here. Moreover I shall throw away my quill...oh wait I apologize, I shall throw away my pen, label myself as a madman and start talking. I do use as you say: "language that is meaningless or is made unintelligible by excessive use of abstruse technical terms; nonsense"; so everything I say should prove your statement right over and over again.
Please do go on, I implore you, I have other poems which you may find to be pure nonsense as well. I would simply love to read those glowing reviews. While you're at it, could you also post another strongly worded response to this reply as well? I do always appreciate a thorough metaphorical beating. There is nothing quite like it to make me want to strap myself to an electric chair and hope that one day I might be as sane as you are.
As always your critique is much appreciated and I could, by all means and for all intents and purposes, feel the love ooze out of every orifice of you and your words.
Ever in your gratitude,
Baron.
So Baron you might see my review as being rude but it is not intended. I find I can get off what I actually wish to say better with no bounds in my speech. I am not trying to beat you up I am trying to tell you of my informed perspective about the way I see poetry. I don't try to be a rude person and you should not take it personally. I wrote poetry for 5 years before I came to yws and posted the one poem I thought was the best parreled to the raven by poe, it was nothing. I got about 17 reviews that told me it was zilch. I know how you feel. But I go back to that day and I am always glad it happened, always.
My reviews are built with love because I want to inspire people not because I am nice.
-hero
No! My dear man, you misunderstand me. You, sir, have opened my eyes. I can see how your extensive experience and informed perspective is far superior and thus dwarfs mine.
I now understand that I have no talent in writing whatsoever and I thank you for it. For 23 odd years, I thought that growing in house of literature laureates, reading and writing poetry from a young age would've instilled some skill in me, but no. I have been a fool and now I see it. Years and years of my life wasted in pursuit of a something that was beyond my reach. I am glad that you were able to see through it. Your years and years of experience came through and now I see what my fruitless efforts have gotten me.
I, too, am glad that it has finally happened. I've been show what's right and wrong by much learned man than I.
Evermore, sorry I apologize, always in your debt,
-Baron
Hey there BaronFlame, It's Graham again with another punctuation review! :p
First, not too bad with trying to add in some variation of punctuation, but with the way you write there is still so much more you can do! I like that you threw in some dashes and semi-colons, but you can still add some creative flair. Think about what the cause and effect of each type of punctuation is, for example the dash (--) Usually I will use this when making a bold statement because the dash provides a pause and helps build suspense, which was perfectly executed in the line "His supremacy crushed - subservience absolute"
One thing I think you could use more of is a few periods. One must be careful when using the semi-colon because it can lead to sentences that run on just a tad too long and ends up confusing the reader even more than normal. For Example in the first stanza, I would put a period at the end of the second line making it
"Bewitched she glanced, a titan among mortals he stood;
Flustered she connived, his essence she sought.
Enticing - enthralling with her venomous femininity;..."
Also I would like to introduce you to my favorite type of punctuation: the ellipsis (...). The ellipsis is my favorite punctuation because it really leaves and idea lingering in the readers head and has a great effect. I think of it as kid of how in some some songs artists will repeat the same few words and slowly fade out; the ellipsis has that type of effect which i absolutely love.
Overall I think you definitely achieved your goal when writing this piece. Your punctuation is becoming more in tune with your writing and i know it's not easy, but practice makes progress. And Progress -- progress make perfection. As always, write on my friend, write on!
Cheers!
Graham
Thank you.
But I still think that punctuation is going to be the death of me.
xD