What am I?
I am a hardened lump of play-do-
A fossilized handprint
with tiny outstretched digits that will never grab or grow.
I am a nightlight with a burned out bulb-
A promise to protect and console that delivers only disappointment
and cannot chase away nighttime terrors.
I am the crumbling remains of a crayon-
An overrated coloring device that sets high expectations
but cannot withstand the weight of the artistic mind that attempts to use it.
What am I?
I am:
namuh ylno
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Canary word: Present
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hey sistanuuk,
S1.
I am a hardened lump of play-dough-
The small digits reach out that will never grow, that is terrifying to me. Makes chills go down my spine. Very morbid.
S2.
I am a nightlight with a burned- (hyphen???)out bulb-
I think if my nighttime terrors were still there I'd be a little bit more than just disappointed.
S3. I think this stanza is the very best. I like the last line terrifically.
On namuh ylno: I think this is clever and a good idea, but you need something to set the reader up for it so that it is not quite so abrupt and they don't just give up on it.
Keep writing!
-M.
Okay. This is my first attempt at reviewing poetry, so beary with me.
The Dash after 'do' can be removed. And If you are talking about the clay kids use, It should be : 'Play-Dough'
A fossilized handprint? When I read this, I imagined a rock with a handprint in it. Maybe try other description. Desribe the color of the play-dough, and the shapes it was made into.
Good description here.
Check my corrections in bold.
This is good, but the only verb I do not like in here is 'overrated'. It kind of bashes with the rest of your beautiful flow in language.
huh? Could You explain what 'Namuh Ylno' Is?
Other than that, you have a great poem with lots of vivd imagery. Good Job. I hope I can read more. PM me when you post something
scribblingquill:
Ha, ha.
Yes, honesty would probably be my crutch.
Well, originally it wasn't backwards, but I hoped forcing the reader to puzzle it out would make the poem more rewarding to read.
Also, I don't know if you've ever owned a book of riddles, but the answers are usually upside down at the bottom of the page, so I played on that and chose to write the "answer" to my riddle/poem backwards. Whether or not that's actually clever, I'm not sure... but I figured it was worth a shot.
You are honest, which is awesome, I find myself beating around the bush a lot on here.
This was fantastic. Nothing really I can criticize, I'm sure you've thought about it all before. Just one question though about the last line, why did you spell it backwards? I'm just curious, my theory is something to do with having to take the time to figure out/realise what we are- that at first it seems unfamiliar or..? am i close at all?
enjoyed reading this ^_^
Think I'm going to have to get another writing site maybe. All the youngsters are beginning to wear me down...
Well, reviews are always appreciated, so thank you for your time,
though it is unlikely you spent very much of it seeing as you contradicted yourself:
"I wouldn't have thought it to be a human"/"being a human is what you would expect"
??
If you were surprised, even disappointed, by the answer to the riddle, then I accomplished my goal; what is the point of suspense if it does not have a climax or even an anticlimax (which is what I have used here)?
And thank you for your comment:
"Just need to work on the use of English"
Oh yes. Very helpful.
Hello,
I think the content is very good. But I wouldn't have thought it to be a human. That suspense, really held me. But being a human is what you would expect. If you take each bit, and think of something different but personify it then it has the makings to be very good.
Just need to work on the use of english
Hope I helped