Do not cast your callused eyes on me
Or prick me with your discontent.
Have you built me this pedestal
Only to see me fall from it?
Do not stroke me with desire
And tell me how you delight in me,
For I doubt that I could bear
To hear you deceive yourself any longer.
How can I be your Amazon Queen
When you are no longer my Dragon Chaser?
Am I to be your Shadow Lover
Even as you turn to embrace the Light?
No, I cannot be your Aphrodite
Nor you my Dark Enchanter.
Those things are of the past
And have no relevance,
And you have no hold on me
Other than this weak tug-of-war:
Regret versus Indecision.
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141,257 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
M.-
I absolutely agree; "the" should be "this."
Anticlimax?
...yeah.
I suppose I let the poem end itself. After all, I wrote it in Algebra class. Who knew math teachers were so inspiring?
And Dogs-
Thank you for your critique,
even though you contradicted yourself.
BABS
I disagree with dogs, I think this poem is complete and flows very well. Just so you know, I read it aloud to Aubrey and he agreed.
But I did see a typo in line one, word two.
This is powerful and approachable. The idea is relayed well, and comes to an anti-climatic closure, yet even so, it does not once slow down. It has a very staccato feeling, very punctual, sure, and short. It delivers even after it ends.
I do have one suggestion. In the last stanza, line 4: "Other than the weak tug-of-war:"
I had to read this line a couple of times over to myself, it didn't compute instantly. It is not that the language is unclear, just that the words sort of slush together. I think I'd suggest 'this' instead of 'the', but please consider this thought lightly, it was very possibly just me.
-M.
hey babanuuk, dogs here. first of all i really like your piece and your idea, but it dosn't really flow that well
for example in the first line, why say "callused eyes" i don't like the word callused, i think that it disrupts the flowing, apart from that i really like this poem and the description. it flows really well and it sounds great
I have no other suggestions. but i do suggest that you keep on writing these great work
TuckEr EllsowrTh