Timid and tremulous as
amber tiger eyes
Nestled in silk & mosquito netting.
Lips flutter as softly as
butterfly wings-
Sprinkling fairy dust across satin cushions,
Trading flight for monogamy.
Hands and Thighs flex, scream,
sigh-
Ripple in acceptance as
eyelashes whisper,
Casting secrets to the wind.
Strength sapped away,
Lulled by visions of immediacy-
A cascade of promises
to veil our doubts and fears.
Still we attempt to avoid
wading through memoirs,
Unable to accept this metamorphosis.
Pray for a white-knuckled release
and the chance to resurface.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
I love this. think the reviewer above me said everything really, though I don't really understand the ending that is likely laziness on my part.
I love the imagery at the start, the exotic-ness (somehow don't think thats a word) is lovely.
"Still we attempt to avoid
Wading through memoirs,
Unable to accept this metamorphosis.
Pray for a white-knuckled release
and the chance to resurface."
This is an awesome way to end it. Perfect landing.
I don't have anything else to say, in a good way.
Keep praying,
M.
Hullo,
First and clearly, I like this. It brings me back to a raw place I remember, wish hadn't happened, and gladly will never forget; the timidly admitted and tremulous short comings of the 'forever expected' and 'regret.'
A few things to consider:
- In the third stanza, where you wrote: Hands & thighs. Spell out 'and.'
Using '&' isn't bad at all, but it really isn't consistent with the rest of your poem. I considered you might be trying to present them as one unit, or, two things moving and experiencing with one motivation. I suggest capitalization.
"Hands and Thighs flex, scream,"
- The last stanza, is it written in retrospect? If it is, I don't believe it's clear enough. Instead of being impacting or effective, it's like ending a love poem with, "my aardvark is orange." It could mean a whole lot in certain circumstances (I'm sure.) but without the proper context, it's ineffectual. Either way it was intended, it falls short by mere inches! It has the potential to carry a vast amount of weight and end the piece beautifully, but it doesn't fit or contrast well. Play with it a little bit more?
And my absolute favorite lines are: "Lulled by visions of immediacy - a cascade of promises, to veil our doubts and fears."
And the title kicks ass.
Well done.
M.