Hi buddy, buddy...
Specifics
1. I'm not sure if you need the third line. That one's very telling and I think the solid descriptions you have in lines four and five do a better job of setting the story.
2.
This line feels like it doesn't quite flow from the previous one. Maybe it needs to start with 'and'?Exactly at that time the girl ran away as the sun in her case wasn’t very nice,
3.
Ice is plural so 'an ice' doesn't make much sense.Relieving the pain just asanice,
4.
The but here doesn't make sense because it's not a contradiction - both lines say she wanted to stay. Maybe you meant 'How could she stay'? If not, change the 'but' to an 'and'.The girl also didn’t want to leave,
But oh heavens! How couldn’t she stay,
5.
That’s when the boy realized,
He gave his love shade,
I like these lines but I also want to see more elaboration - how does he give her shade? Is this time to herself and crowding her less or is it the female equivalent of a man cave- a room or place where she has privacy in the house? I think that kind of detail would make the people in this poem 'real'.
6.
He would always kill and bring the blood to his love,
But now his white dove of love was too killed,
As the girl couldn’t control her hunger
And like her kin she lunged at the boy,
I don't quite understand this part and it seems a bit strange.
7.
The rhyme here feels very forced and stands out because rhyme isn't something you have much of in this poem. Sometimes it's tempting to rhyme when it feels like the rhythm is leading there perfectly but I don't think it works here.The boy got a slash on his body and his heart,
Was his love faulty was he not smart?
Overall
I'm not sure I quite follow this as it's hard to decide if you're being metaphorical or if this is about vampires as the reviewer below suggests. I think if the girl's a vampire, that may need to be made clearer toward the end - maybe a mention of fangs or a few more hints about her being from another world. I can see the sun and shade reference was probably pointing at that but it still felt like it came a little out of nowhere.
I liked that it wasn't a stereotypical romance poem though and I liked the ending! But it would be even better if the reader wasn't left to do quite so much guess work.
Keep writing!
~Heather
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Reviews: 2631
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