A guy with no friends,
A girl who didn’t need friends,
A single moment bound their fate,
A glass of wine in his hand,
A glass of blood in hers,
At a glance he wasn’t sure,
So the girl spared him as he didn’t know much,
They talked and talked till before the sunrise,
Exactly at that time the girl ran away as the sun in her case wasn’t very nice,
The boy tried to stop her but she ran away
Blowing a tender kiss, making the boy stop
The boy felt a spark; a fire had been created,
This fire destroyed the boy, destroyed his life,
But just as such came the girl
Relieving the pain just as an ice,
The boy held her hand wanting to never let go,
The girl also didn’t want to leave,
But oh heavens! How couldn’t she stay,
If she stayed in the sun her soul would be burnt away,
That’s when the boy realized,
He gave his love shade,
From then on the girl never left his arms,
He would always kill and bring the blood to his love,
But now his white dove of love was too killed,
As the girl couldn’t control her hunger
And like her kin she lunged at the boy,
The boy got a slash on his body and his heart,
Was his love faulty was he not smart?
Was her hunger blind?
But she did love,
She did care,
She broke the boys awkward stare,
She said words that hurt still
“Never follow me and never see me again.”
With this she ran away,
Into the moonlight,
Our hero had a heart break
But he knew he would survive,
At last his scars healed,
He got his life back,
The scars removed he never turned back,
But whenever he walks down an alley
And hears a blood curling scream,
A smile rises on his face as he knows,
The girl strikes tonight,
The girl strikes tonight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hi buddy, buddy...
This line feels like it doesn't quite flow from the previous one. Maybe it needs to start with 'and'?Specifics
1. I'm not sure if you need the third line. That one's very telling and I think the solid descriptions you have in lines four and five do a better job of setting the story.
2.
3. Ice is plural so 'an ice' doesn't make much sense.
4. The but here doesn't make sense because it's not a contradiction - both lines say she wanted to stay. Maybe you meant 'How could she stay'? If not, change the 'but' to an 'and'.
5.
I like these lines but I also want to see more elaboration - how does he give her shade? Is this time to herself and crowding her less or is it the female equivalent of a man cave- a room or place where she has privacy in the house? I think that kind of detail would make the people in this poem 'real'.
6.
I don't quite understand this part and it seems a bit strange.
7. The rhyme here feels very forced and stands out because rhyme isn't something you have much of in this poem. Sometimes it's tempting to rhyme when it feels like the rhythm is leading there perfectly but I don't think it works here.
Overall
I'm not sure I quite follow this as it's hard to decide if you're being metaphorical or if this is about vampires as the reviewer below suggests. I think if the girl's a vampire, that may need to be made clearer toward the end - maybe a mention of fangs or a few more hints about her being from another world. I can see the sun and shade reference was probably pointing at that but it still felt like it came a little out of nowhere.
I liked that it wasn't a stereotypical romance poem though and I liked the ending! But it would be even better if the reader wasn't left to do quite so much guess work.
Keep writing!
~Heather
hey there!
That was cool! you a vampire lover too? anyway this was really good. the story also sounded like something thatcould happen. and you have got a flow to this work too, which btw is a very good thing. anyway there is nothing better that supernatural in this world and i really want to find one someday. keep on the good work
fangirl~
#lovevampiresforever
#vampiresforever and yeah they are awesome
OMG ! Beautiful piece . Awesomely wonderful story . I nevr thought fantasy can be of this level though. But I really appreciate thr way in which you have carved the words to Penn down. May be few people can find it not so perfect according to their perspective. yet I want to say . Marvelous penning. I was mesmerized by the starting two lines ..
A guy with no friends,
A girl who didn’t need friends,
And the last line...
The girl strikes tonight
Loved the way you Penn. Keep up the good writing. Blessings!
Thanks for the review TZH and yeah I'll keep writting