A
fine lady I saw once,
My love of past,
I said "I love
you." Today,
only for my heart to be broken tomorrow,
is
this the worth of my tender love?
Am I not to be loved? Even
though if it's fake,
is it necessary for me to suffer a heart
break,
My friends call it desperation,
but really it is just
suffocation,
Days seems like minutes,
but minutes seem like
days,
oh my love,
where in the deserts of loneliness do
you stand,
waiting, praying for me to come by
as I prayed for
you
till then I wait in the line of all that want to meet you,
But I promise I'll come soon.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Buddy! So its taken me far too long to take a look at this for which I'm very sorry but I'm here now!
Try to avoid using 'just' in this line. It slows the flow of the line without adding any extra description or information or emotion to the poem. I think instead you could use an adjective like 'but really it is a lonely suffocation' or 'but really it is an increasing suffocation'.Specifics
1. The title is a little ordinary and doesn't tell us much about the poem or inspire me to want to read it. You could either add an adjective like 'My Past Love' to add some interest or you could switch the structure of the words around to alter the emphasis, for example 'This Love of Mine'.
2. The third line is an odd line break and I'm not sure how to read that. I think Today needs to be on the line below. I'm also not sure if that's dialogue or an observation from the persona?
3. A line break between 'loved?' and 'Even' would also make more sense. I think in a poem without a structured flow, unless you're trying to emphasise a particular word by placing it on the end then you should always line break at sentence ends, particularly when the next point isn't a follow on.
4.
5. I like the sound of this but I think it needs some expansion. I think some description of how some days feel long and other short would take it to another step and give a deeper emotional impact. What does the persona do on these long days? How do they pass the slow hours? What do the short days feel like? Is the shortness frustrating or almost a relief?
Overall
There's a good sense of emotion in this poem but some of your line breaks are a little awkward and I'd like to see more description. At the moment the poem is quite existential which means you describe the emotions a lot but there's not much to tie this to reality and the reader doesn't have many things to picture. A lot of the ways we feel emotion are actually through our senses - sight and sound. The description of a lonely red ribbon affects us more than saying 'It was a lonely day'.
Emily Dickinson captures this better than I describe - the line of one of her poems is 'There's a certain slant of light' and she's describing depression and how you only feel it or see it when in a certain frame of mind. She goes on to say on Winter afternoons it oppresses like the heft of Cathedral tunes.
It's the sound and the image with really convey to the reader how this depression feels. I think maybe you could describe a scene from this persona's life or something which helps to materialise the depression if that makes sense?
Anyway, I think there's some great ideas here!
~Heather
Thanks buddy, I'll try to write better hope it will be better
Wow, this is a beautiful poem. I love the sadness you've channeled through your words, it makes it all the more special. I think the best part is that it's powerful, and the meaning is very clear.
The effect of the questions are also pretty good, and your ending: 'But I promise I'll come soon', is really well written and touching.
Great Job!
I love love poems. It's kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. This poem is really beautiful and well written, and the language is timeless. I think it fits into really any sort of situation, and I really don't have anything bad to say about it.
Thanks for the compliment it really brightens the day
Hey Ayush!
You careved your emotions nicely and penned it. I just wanted to ask rather suggest actually. Why all love poems are so depressing. Why cant we be positive and take things in that sense. You wrote..
"Where in the deserts of loneliness do you stand,"
Look when you are in love you are never alone. I think I am giving lecture rather then review. Sorry hun. Okey come to review point. I truly like your piece of poetry and the way you penned it without rhythm. But I like your finishing sentence truly
" But I promise I'll come soon."
Great penning. Keep it up. Stay blessed.
Thanks for the review again and yeah someday might be there when my poems are just innocent love till then I am just letting the darkness out.
Thanks for the review again and yeah someday might be there when my poems are just innocent love till then I am just letting the darkness out.
Keep it up
Heeellooo RinReik here to Review/comment on your poem.
Okay first off I have gota say this poem is... Very well written, it has a very good flow, it rimes but not too much, there is truth in it and emotions that almost anyone can relate too.
But... there is one little problem where you say " is this the worth of my tender love,
am I not to be loved, even though if it's fake,
is it necessary for me to suffer a heart break," it is a hundreds if not thousands of times better to not be loved at all than to have it all be a big lie. Unless it is a lie that you are not loved and the one you love simply is afraid or foolish.
And when you do finally find love you will know that everything was worth it.
Truth be told it is not my place to criticize this seeing as I can tell you wrote this strait out of your heart.
~RinReik~
Hi I'm here to give you a review!
I loved the concept of this poem. The ideas are clear and well brought out and the play on words made it a very beautiful poem. However, I do think you can arrange some bits of it. For example, there are a lot of questions in this poem but you never did a question mark. Don't be afraid of using rhetorical questions they make the poem have a deeper meaning.
Another things I couldn't find any regular rhyme scheme and the rhythm was also scattered. Was this intentional? If it was then I can understand its use because it shows the distraught emotions the persona feels.
Also, you used wonderful imagery in this piece and I want to congratulate you as you truly deserve it. The line 'where in the deserts of loneliness do you stand' really brought the whole poem together and made it seems as one whole cohesive piece.
Moreover, I do love that you separated the last line from the whole stanza. It gave it more power and it makes it seem like the persona has stopped thinking and has decided to take action.
Beautiful work, just work on the rhetorical questions to make to more readable. I would love to read more.
~RS
Guys please! reviews needed