Alone in the corner she cried
broken had been her pried,
She didn't know what to do,
Sitting she suffered her broken heart alone,
A nice boy he had seemed,
but his intentions weren't nice
To break a girl's heart
it isn't very nice,
A blow of words
did break her heart
Even if he still remained her friend
She always seemed outta hand
She used to cry alot,
The hole in heart the hurting spot,
Then one day she stopped caring,
The day her life started again
She started laughing once again,
She stopped to cry
She always seemed happy,
the hole had been healed
But she always doubted lovers,
She made a wall to save her,
She created her own hell,
She started falling for a boy
She started hurting herself,
Then she decided she didn't care,
She broke her wall
Started to love again,
But maybe god had a path for her,
as her love broke again
But this time her pride didn't break,
She knew it would happen
She embraced her hell
She became a heartbreaker
She loved her nightlife
She loved taking risks
She loved boys heartbreak
Somewhere in between she stopped,
Understood her life wasn't made to screw
She righted all her wrongs
Took time considering
she finished her studies,
got her degree
She fell in love again
this time it was true,
She loved him immensly,
he loved her too
They got married
joy was everywhere
She remembered her time,
the dent still remained
But then a smile spread through her face,
She was happy
because she embreced her hell
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey, lozrent here for a little review. First, to start of this is a really well made poem. One of the best I’ve read online. My first recommendation though, simply for the aesthetics of it would be to use punctuation. It shows where to stop and it simply looks more appealing
also in lines 5-6 I would change one of the “nice” to another word, as it ruins the flow a bit when the same word is repeated twice this close, but that’s just my opinion of course.
and the same on line 53 with the word embraced. I’m guessing you just didn’t read through it again because that is exactly what I do and I end up with a lot of stupid small mistakes x3
Also in line 12 “She always seemed outta hand” The use of the word outta seems strange here, but that could just be me. In line 18 as well by saying “she stopped to cry”, it sounds like she stopped laughing to cry. It should be something along the lines of “she stopped crying”
In line 46 you misspelled immensely, minor nitpick I know but I figure I might as well point it out
Alright well that is all I can point out that could be altered or fixed. Hope my review is to some help at least and hope you write more stuff as this was really good
Wow this is really good!!!
REVIEW TIME:
Something I would say you could maybe change is too make it flow more. The poem is great there are just some parts that didn't seem to flow. Maybe you could add some rhyming to give the poem a rhythm? Just a suggestion. Anyways I think your poem is great!!! Keep up all the hard work!!
Wow this is really good!!!
REVIEW TIME:
Something I would say you could maybe change is too make it flow more. The poem is great there are just some parts that didn't seem to flow. Maybe you could add some rhyming to give the poem a rhythm? Just a suggestion. Anyways I think your poem is great!!! Keep up all the hard work!!
Hello Ayush ! How many times she broke her own heart . Anyways ...I am here to review. I like your really really long poem and the story behind it .no complaints except true live is only once in w lifetime.. as you wrote
"She fell in love again
This time it was true."
Just want to say . Marvelous penning. Keep it up.blessings!
Thanks for the review and yeah I will keep penning
Stay blessed:-)
hey ayush!
well this was a really a long poem. I liked the way you wrote a story in the form of a poem. yes it was definitely good but it could still use some improvement. not that it is bad or something, but i believe that even the best could be made better.
"Alone in the corner she cried
broken had been her pried"
here just because pried rhymed with cried dosent mean that you have to use it. personally i had to look up the dictionary to find its meaning and according to google to pry means "enquire too inquisitively into a person's private affairs" so it dosent really means sense to me, but if you meant in some other way then sorry but i dint get it.
"She didn't know what to do,
Sitting she suffered her broken heart alone,"
here if you replace "broken heart" with "heart break" it would flow better. and at the end you were supposed to put a full stop instead of a coma.
"She used to cry alot,
The hole in heart the hurting spot,"you should probably put a "her" before heart and a coma after it. and again the coma at the end is inappropriate.
"She started laughing once again,
She stopped to cry"
here in the first line you are using past continuous tense and then you are using simple past. so replace "stopped to cry" with "stopped crying"
"She created her own hell,
She started falling for a boy
She started hurting herself"
this stanza is good but if you describe it a little more it would sound better. look here
"but then again she created her own hell,
she started falling for a boy
and eventually, started hurting herself."
"But this time her pride didn't break,
She knew it would happen
She embraced her hell " i really love this part of your poem!
guess thats all.these are just suggestions and if you dont wat to take them its okay. afterall its your poem and if you like it the way it is then be it. Anyway I love the way you end the poem. hope to see more of your works around!
fangirl~
P.S.- welcome to yws
Oh thanks for the review I mess up the punctuations and grammar a lot of time and thanks for the corrections it was of outmost help
Hey Ayushthepoet! a very nice and long amount of poem there just the way I like