Thief Assassin: Chapter 8

Taylor hung upside down  from the roof of a house that was just inside the Inner Circle. He was observing the crowds milling around the streets to relieve his boredom but it wasn’t helping much. He wanted the Council of assassins to give him a job so that he could play, or better yet, he wanted to see Auxi again. Her expression when she had seen him had blown away his boredom. She had gone from terrified, to annoyed, to furious, then finally to scared all with the few words that he had said. The emotions he loved seeing all in the space of a few minutes, and from the person who he had made his “friend” when he had still known her.

 

When Auxi had just joined the Assassins she had been quiet and skilful but obviously terrified; easy prey for anyone who wanted to use or abuse her. Taylor had gotten to her first. Only a year older that her, he had seemed confident and so much more at ease with what they had to do to survive. She had latched onto his offer of friendship and followed him everywhere like a little puppy unless one of them had a mission. He had gained her trust so quickly that it amazed him. When he knew that it would hurt her the most, he had tried to kill her, blowing away all of her disillusions of friendship. Her despair as she had defended herself had been so beautiful to him that he had continued to try and kill her, every time revelling in her despair, eventually turning it into a cruel and twisted game. Later, when he had been told that Auxi had been exterminated, he had only been disappointed that he wouldn’t be able to ‘play’ with her anymore. In some ways he had lost his favourite toy.

 

As the sunlight hit the middle of the fountain in the square below him, he sighed and pulled himself up onto the roof using his legs. Once he was up, he ran off towards the Outer Circle. It was near the wall that he had seen Auxi again after six years. He had been twenty at the time and on one of his jobs. She had been running away from it on the High Road during the day time, when assassins rarely used it. His surprise had been so great that he had completely forgotten about his job. He had immediately gone to the Council and told them what he had seen: an alive and healthy Auxi, certainly not dead like she was supposed to be. The Council had been shocked. No one left the Assassins and live tot tell the tale. And even if they managed the impossible and did, they certainly didn’t use the High Road with such audacity. They had wondered what to do about her and come up with three solutions; leave her be, kill her, or force her to become an assassin again. The first was unthinkable for most of the Council. Auxi had been one of the best assassins and knew secrets about the guild that others didn’t. She also had an alternate personality that loved to kill. It was an asset that then didn’t want to lose or let loose in the city. If they killed her, the Assassins would lose this asset and attract rub from the Thieves since Auxi was a well liked Thief and had a big influence on what went on in the underworld. Killing her would create chaos in the Outer Circle as other Thieves tried to claim her territory and would be detrimental to the Assassins. Not many people on the Council particularly like the last option, but all of them agreed that it was the most beneficial to the Assassins. The thieves would be happy as long as Auxi was alive. The Council reasoned that she could be an assassin again as long as she had a tight leash.

 

And Taylor was the leash. He had chosen mainly because he was the only one who was able to scare her or goad her enough to become an assassin again. Once she had become one, he would be the one to make sure that she wouldn’t try and escape. He was the only one that the Council could trust. But first he had been told to make sure that she was still qualified to be an assassin. Which was why he had attacked her, aiming to kill her like always. She had still been able to protect herself from his daggers. The first had been aimed at her ankle, meant to cut the tendon so that she wouldn’t be able to run away. She hadn’t been able to see the dagger before it had hit, that he was sure of, but still, she had shifted slightly at the very last moment so that it missed her and thumped into the tile next to her. She probably hadn’t even noticed that she had moved, the movement was so natural to her. She had always been instinctive like that. He also knew that if she was still had the reflexes of the Auxi that he used to know then she would be able to block his second knife and he hadn’t been disappointed. She was definitely qualified to be an assassin again.

 

However her ferocity when it came to her so-called friend had surprised him. He’d have to get rid of that guy when she became an assassin. She knew that she wasn’t allowed to have friends. All that happened was that they were hurt because of her. She had learnt that before. The little girl that she had played with had ended up dead. He had killed her. Auxi was not allowed to have friends. Taylor ground his teeth in frustration. He swung from a roof and through a window in the building in front of him, landing on the floor of a temple. The Assassin’s headquarters. Well, more precisely, the place where the Council met was above them, in the huge dome. The temple had been used by the Assassins for longer than any record could remember, probably since the Outer Circle had sprung up. Taylor found the secret hatch that let the assassins into the dome and leapt into the open space, shutting the hatch behind him.

 

He was standing in a narrow corridor that had a door at each end. He knew that one of them went into the Council room, which took up most of the dome. The other door led to the holding cells, where new assassins or assassins to be exterminated were kept. He could hardly remember the time that he had spent in there; he had only been nine and hadn’t stayed there very long; he had decided to become an assassin of his own will. He knew that Auxi, however, had stayed for almost three weeks in the dark, tiny cells. When she had re-emerged she had been completely broken, which had pushed him towards her. He shook the memories from his head and made his way towards the Council room’s door, ignoring the deep red smears on the walls. After eleven years he was used to it; in fact it had never bothered him. He was used to the smell of blood and fear that reigned in the headquarters and defined the assassins.

 

He knocked on the door and waited for someone to call out before entering and bowing. However prideful an assassin was, they always bowed before the Council unless they wanted to be killed. As it was the person at the head of the Council, the one who ran the Assassins and that no one had ever seen was capricious and would easily kill someone for saying one word; or not saying anything at all. From what he had heard, Auxi had never said anything apart from five words in front of the Council: yes, okay, it’s done and once, just once, no. Someone on the first row of the Council called his name, calling him back to the present.

 

          “Taylor, what have you found out about Auxi? Is she still fit to be an Assassin?” The person’s voice was completely monotone, not betraying whether the person was a male or a female. The four balconies in front of him were shrouded in darkness. On the highest balcony was the leader of the Assassins, on the balcony beneath, his deputies. The less important people were on thebottom two levels. The only light filtered into the room through a tiny window and hit the floor exactly where he was standing. Taylor assumed that it was their way of exerting their power, even if the Council knew that all of the assassins were at least respectful of them. He let out his breath before replying

            “Yes, she’s still fit. She hasn’t lost her instincts. Once an Assassin always an Assassin after all.” He muttered the last sentence. “She has someone important to her though; that might be a problem later.” He listened to the Council members mutter and smiled slightly. Auxi should have known better than to make a friend. She was his. He waited silently as the Council conferred. After a while a gravely voice called down from the second balcony.

            “Continue to approach her and let her know that you are watching her until we tell you otherwise.”

            “Yes, sir. That suited him just fine. He had been planning on visiting Auxi later in the day anyway. The same person that had called his name dismissed him; he automatically bowed then exited the room, grinning. Auxi was going to get an unexpected visit. 

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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:24 pm

Hello! It has been far too long since I said I'd review this, sowry. I guess I stopped doing much reviewing in the middle of this month but I'm aiming for ten today to make up for that! And of course this had to be one of those ;)

Specifics

1.

When Auxi had just joined the Assassins she had been quiet and skilful but obviously terrified; easy prey for anyone who wanted to use or abuse her. Taylor had gotten to her there first.
Ah so we're playing with Taylor now, good good! I like him so far, he's interesting. I find the same kind of interest in him that he has in Auxi I think; I like that he has a range of emotions and not just a surface 'I do/ don't like you' kind of mantra, but actually he finds friendship in strange places. The change I've suggested above would make the sentence flow more smoothly and feel less repetitive/ static.

2.
Only a year older that her, he had seemed confident and so much more at ease with what they had to do to survive.
Noooo! We want this experience from his view so you can't say he seemed. You have to tell us that either he was or he acted. The way you've phrased this makes it feel third person, when you should be doing your best to put it as close to first as you dare and to show us the thoughts in his head. We don't want to be outside looking in, we want to be in there and able to get a feel for who he is!

3. Mmm. If you're going to have him as the bad guy, you need to make this more horrific and to make his thoughts more twisted. At the moment he feels too cardboard cut out with such familiar phrasing as 'lost his favourite toy'. What I want to see is that struggle between enrage and actually feeling something because you don't not love an enemy just a little for what they make you feel about yourself and you don't think you've lost one without feeling a stronger measure of loss than that of a toy. His thoughts need to be more raw and you need to make us love to hate him. Instead I'm bored now. He started off sounding interesting but you've reduced him to a stereotype. If you've ever seen x-men, think of Sabretooth and all of his complexities. He wants to kill Wolverine, but he wants to do it on his terms and he won't have anyone else get there first. The same goes for Wolverine. He wants to kill his nemesis but at the same time there's history between them and there's the question of whether that makes him a monster.

It's deeper shades like this that we need to see in every relationship. I want to feel that he would kill Auxi and take pleasure in it, but also that there's some level of enjoyment he gets from having her alive and that he recognises he would have to lose that to gain the sweeter pleasure of killing her. I want to see some conflict.

Hopefully some of that makes sense!

4. We've just seen this scene. I don't want a run down about it as if it's something new. Instead make it obvious it was the scene before. For example, instead of, 'It was near the wall that he had seen Auxi again after six years.' you could have something like, 'It had been six years since he'd seen her and to find her again near this wall, after all of that time, had left him trembling.' Then explain how he went to the council etc.

5. I'd rather see these events to tell you the truth. I know I say it a lot, but show us. Don't tell us. It would be interesting to pick up after their meeting and follow him to this council of assassins. Far more so than having to sit and squirm and wait for story-time to be over. When you do flash-backs like this, it's too obvious that you are writing a novel and it pulls your reader out of the action. It makes them too aware that this is a story and not a really thrilling sequence of events that feels so real their heart is beating like a thunder storm.

6. Wait. How do they suddenly know she is a well liked thief? Don't contradict yourself! A moment ago they didn't know she was alive, little less that she's been working with the thieves long enough to be liked by them. They can presume this, but they can't know it. You've had Taylor go straight to them so that has left no time to stop and research what she has been up to, so they only have what he learned in his brief conversation.

7. I also want to see this attack happening in present time. Hearing about it is, to be quite honest, dull. It's not working for you. Get in there and show us him sneaking up on her. Show us how he feels when the dagger misses and how she reacts and give us that dialogue and humanity that reminds us these characters are people and not just shadow puppets being moved around a screen.

8. This is more interesting now that you're writing present time again! I like the recollection of the five words Auxi has said to the council and the description of where the assassins have their headquarters in general. Much better.

Overall

I have to confess this isn't my favourite chapter, though I'm sure you could tell that already! Taylor has the potential to be an interesting character and it looked really promising at first. If you avoid putting him into a box and making him seem so cut and dry, then you'll have a better chance at drawing your reader's focus and attention.

Likewise avoid telling us events and instead show us. You get through them quicker by telling, it's true, but what else do you gain from it? There's less to hold our interest and it sidelines a character who we're eager to get to know and engage with. So let him have his spotlight.

I'll try not to leave the next chapter as long as I have this one!

All the best,

Heather xxx

Well, I haven't read the rest of the story, so I can't really critique the story line or characters, and this far in you're probably pretty set in that regard. Because of this, I suppose I'll give suggestions on the writing style itself. You may not want specific grammar and style corrections; if that is in fact the case, feel free to ignore this whole review.

I noticed that the writing seemed not as...fluid...as it could have been. Most of that can be fixed by rearranging words, altering punctuation, and breaking up sentences. Here are some of the parts I noticed that could be made a little smoother just be adding commas and such or rewording:

He was observing the crowds milling around the streets to relieve his boredom but it wasn%u2019t helping much.


Try deleting "but" and adding a semi-colon.

The emotions he loved seeing all in the space of a few minutes and from the person who he had made his %u201Cfriend%u201D when he had still known her.


A comma after "minutes" would make this better.

When Auxi had just joined the Assassins she had been quiet and skillful but obviously terrified and easy prey for anyone who wanted to use or abuse her.


Perhaps "When Auxi had just joined the Assassins, she had been quiet and skillful-but obviously terrified. She was easy prey for anyone who wanted to use or abuse her."

She had latched onto his offer of friendship and followed him everywhere like a little puppy unless one of them had a mission.


Maybe "She had latched onto his offer of friendship, following him everywhere like a little puppy, except on the days one of them had a mission."

As the sunlight hit the middle of the fountain in the square below him, he sighed and pulled himself up onto the roof using his legs then ran off towards the Outer Circle.


Try "As the sunlight hit the middle of the fountain in the square below, he sighed, pulling himself up onto the roof with his legs. Once he had made it up, he ran off towards the outer circle."

He had been twenty and on one of his jobs when he had seen her running away from it on the High Road during the day time, when assassins rarely used the High Road.


I would suggest something like "He had been twenty at the time. He had been on a job when he saw her; she was running along the High Road in the middle of the day. Assassins rarely used the high road."

If they killed her, the Assassins would lose this asset and attract rub from the Thieves since Auxi was a well liked Thief and had a big influence on what went on in the underworld. Killing her would create chaos in the Outer Circle as other Thieves tried to claim her territory and would be detrimental to the Assassins.


Mayhaps "If they killed her, the Assassins would lose this asset. She was also a well-liked Theif and had a big influence on what went on in the underworld; killing her would attract rub from the Theives. The chaos in the Outer Circle created by Theives scrambling to claim her territory would be detrimental to the Assassins."

He also knew that if she was still had the reflexes of the Auxi that he used to know then she would be able to block his second knife and he hadn%u2019t been disappointed.


Something like "He had also known that if she still had the reflexes of the Auxi he used to know, she would be able to block his second knife; he had not been disappointed."

One of them, he knew went into the Council room which took up most of the dome.


A comma after "knew" and "room" would make this sentence better.

He knew that Auxi, however had stayed for almost three weeks in the dark, tiny cells.


A comma after "however" is needed here.

He was used to the smell of blood and fear that reigned in the headquarters and the rich smell of blood that defined an assassin.


Add a comma after "headquarters."

He knocked on the door and waited for someone to call out before entering and bowing.


Try "He knocked on the door, waiting for someone to call out before entering. He bowed as he stepped through the doorway."

As it was the person at the head of the Council, the one who ran the Assassins and that no one had ever seen was capricious and would easily kill someone for saying one word; or not saying anything at all.


Maybe "As it was the person at the head of the Council, the one who ran the Assassins and who no one ever saw, was capricious, and would easily kill someone for saying one word, or not saying anything at all.

On the highest balcony was the leader of the Assassins, on the balcony beneath, his deputies and then the less important people on the last two balconies.


Something like "On the highest balcony was the leader of the Assassins; on the balcony beneath, his deputies; the less important people were on the last two balconies."

Later, when he had been told that Auxi had been exterminated; he had only been disappointed that he wouldn't be able to %u2018play%u2019 with her anymore.


When she had re-emerged she had been completely broken; which had pushed him towards her.


There should be a comma instead of a semicolon in both of these sentences.

Well, those are my suggestions. These sentences don't need to be changed in exactly the way I suggested; I just think the writing might flow a little better with changes in the general manner of my corrections.

Good luck with the rest of the novel!

Thanks for the pointers Wherethewindgoes! I've changed some of the stuff, the other bits didn't really fit in with how I write...^^
Thanks again
Auxiira

User avatar
Nate
Review
Nate wrote a review · Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:51 pm

First, continue writing this. The story is good, and finishing the novel should be what you're concentrating right now.

When you go back and edit, concentrate on your sentence structure. Right now, you have a lot of run-on sentences. For example:

On the highest balcony was the leader of the Assassins, on the balcony beneath, his deputies and then the less important people on the last two balconies.


This needs to be split into two sentences. For instance:
On the highest balcony was the leader of the Assassins, and his two deputies were on the balcony immediately beneath. The least important were on the bottom two levels.

You also use semi-colons a lot. Reserve you semi-colons for two instances:
1. Where using a comma would be confusing (for example, listing cities and states - Greenbelt, MD; Upper Marlboro, MD; and Calvert, MD).
2. When you're describing the prior clause.

In fiction, you should ideally never use the semi-colon at all. It's best used in essays.

Keep working on this, and finish the novel!

Thanks again! (we haven't worked on semi-colons yet...)



Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)