Jack smirked slightly as he walked through the Market. Dressed in normal clothes instead of his City Guard uniform, the scar that barred his defining eye were hardly noticed by the other people. There were a few merchants from the mountain tribes and he blended in nicely. He had managed to convince his commander to let him have complete control of the operation to capture Auxi, using whatever methods he wanted, however unorthodox they may be.
He scanned the street before him, looking for children who fitted what he was looking for. He was in the part of the Market that had received the most complaints about Auxi’s thieves or her messengers, the orphans she had claimed custody of. Posting himself between two stalls, he leant against one of the posts and waited for one of those people to go by. He leant in the shadow of the stalls for half an hour before seeing one. He was a child about ten years old, slipping through the crowd. Every so often he would brush against someone and in a deft movement, cut their purse. Jack swiftly righted himself and started after the child. As the boy’s hand reached out to cut another purse, Jack grabbed the offending arm and used it to drag him into a side-street. He dropped the boy to the floor where he cowered, protecting his head.
“Oh stop that, I’m not going to hit you.” Jack snapped. “First is this the girl Thief’s area?” The boy nodded imperceptibly. “Good. Now, I need you to take a message to her second.” The boy blanched and shook his head. “You don’t want to? Well let me put it this way: I have absolutely no problems with killing someone who works with the thieves, even if they’re a child.” The boy turned grey and nodded very slightly. “Good boy. Tell him that the guy from yesterday wants to see him. He’ll know who you’re talking about. Make sure the Thief doesn’t find out. Go on, I’ll wait here.”
The child scrambled to his feet and looked Jack in the eyes. The cold, emotionless, almost cruel light in them made him flinch, then sprint back into the street. Jack leant against the wall and waited.
*
Zach was leaving Auxi’s office when the child reached him. He stopped in the doorway and waited for the child to speak or go past him. When he didn’t, he shut the door behind him and pulled the child into a different room.
“What’s up Ben?” he asked roughly. “I don’t have the time to mess around. If you have something to say then say it.” Ben flushed slightly then stuttered out the message. As Zach’s expression turned dark, he added,
“His eyes’re freaky, kinda cold.” The echo of Auxi’s words made Zach frown.
“Okay, give me a second and you can show me where he’s waiting.” He went back into the corridor and stuck his head around Auxi’s door. “Oi Auxi! I have errands to run and might not be back for a while. Is that okay or do you need me?” She thought for a second before sighing.
“No, it’s fine. Just make sure not to get into any fights and don’t use the High-road, especially since it’s beginning to get dark; it really isn’t safe.” Zach opened his mouth to say something then thought better of it, nodded and left the room following Ben.
*
Zach followed Ben through the dimming Market until they reached the side-street where Jack was waiting and into which Ben refused to go into, so Zach let him go with a copper and a warning not to tell Auxi. Then he stepped into the side-street making Jack turn around
“You must be Zach then, seeing as you came.” He smiled slightly.
“I would prefer it if you didn’t terrorize our kids,” Zach replied dryly, evading the question.
“Well, he didn’t seem very disposed to take a message to you, so I decided to scare him a little, that’s all.” Zach snorted.
“Slightly? He was ready to faint!”
“Yes well, that does happen…”
“I’m guessing there’s a reason why you called me out; unless you’re the type of person who gives others rub just for fun?”
“What is fun? I just find it interesting to hunt people who catch my attention.”
“And we got your attention.” Zach ground his teeth. They had got the attention of a wild person. He could see what Auxi had meant by empty eyes. Looking at him was like looking at an abandoned house: cold and lonely. Zach shivered as Jack smiled emotionlessly.
“Exactly. You’ll probably be seeing a lot more of me from now on, so try and remember me. Although, after this, I doubt that you’ll forget, you or your Thief, what’s her name again? Auxi, isn’t it? She’s very interesting. Especially those years when she disappeared. Seeing as the City Guard can do whatever they want to convicted criminals, maybe I’ll oversee her questioning personally. It’ll be interesting to see what she lets slip.”
A sly smile crept across his face as he watched Zach flush red with anger.
“I swear…if you ever hurt Auxi, I will make your life a living hell. Then I’ll kill you, slowly.” Anger was emanating from him in threatening waves, all of it directed at the smiling person in front of him. Most people would have at least have been a little scared by the threat concentrated on them but Jack only smirked and took a step towards Zach.
“You’re a little touchy on that subject aren’t you?” He took another step forwards. “Is it just loyalty or do you have feelings for her?” Zach flinched as Jack took another step forwards. “But she doesn’t have any feeling for you, oh no. She won’t ever have any feelings for anyone; she’s too independent, isn’t she?” Zach swung his fist at Jack but it was swiftly blocked. “Now, now, don’t get carried away. You might do something that you’ll regret.”
“How could I regret beating your sorry ass?” he snarled. Jacks smirk just deepened. The little bit of patience that Zach had left snapped. And he sent a barrage of blows at Jack, at some point pulling out a knife, but all of them were blocked easily. Jack was just as used to fighting as Zach, better when he was calm. He drew his fist back landed a hard blow on Zach’s jaw then took a step back out of his range. Slipping his hand into his pocket, he gripped a handle and drew out his own knife. Zach wiped the blood from the side of his mouth then waited for Jack to attack, his body as tense as a tuning fork. He could almost hear the crackle of tension in the air.
Suddenly, he realised the crackle was that of electricity. He narrowed his eyes at Jack and realised that the captain's eyes were glowing electric blue. Zach’s eyes widened then narrowed again. A smirk spread across his face.
“Can’t you beat me without your magic, Captain?” he asked sarcastically.
“Of course I can you slum trash,” Jack drawled. “But beating you with magic is just part of my plan. Please don’t think that I’m as pathetically weak as you.” Zach twitched at the insult but stayed where he was standing.
“Oh really. What is this plan then?” Zach was just stalling for time, even though he didn’t want to know the answer.
“Do you really think that I’m going to tell you that? You must be even more stupid than you look.” Zach’s hand twitched and his dagger went flying towards Jack. Another appeared quickly in his hand as the first was dodged. “Stop doing that. You’re just making it worse for yourself.”
“You’re going to try and get Auxi, that’s the only reason I need to attack you,” Zach growled.
“No, I’m going to capture her. There’s a difference.” The second knife tore a hole in his jacket. A third knife was slid from Zach’s boot into his hand as he glared at Jack.
“Such a fierce glare. And you made a hole in my jacket. Really now. You’re so much trouble.” He threw his knife at Zach but it flew past him. Zach snorted.
“You really aren’t good at this are you?” Jack just raised his eyebrows slightly and moved his hand. Zach saw the movement of the knife out of the side of his eye but it was too late. It lodged itself deep into his stomach. He dropped to his knees and touched the handle of the knife. He opened his moth but only a slight moan escaped from it. Jack smirked then walked over to him and pulled the dagger out, sending an electrical charge down it as he did so. Zach jittered then fell to the floor and lay there, not moving. Jack bent down and nudged him with his hand.
“You’re not allowed to die” he whispered.
He straightened up and strode out of the side-street, noticing Ben quivering next to the exit as he did so. Good. He had their attention.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I might actually get through all eight chapters today, or seven at least. Chapter eight has been rescued from the Green Room so perhaps that one could be tackled tomorrow instead, but I'll try to snag the others today so I can earn my knighthood! I keep worrying that I spend so long reviewing, once I press submit someone else will have already been here xD But no matter, I am sure the review is appreciated even if it is your third!
Specifics
1. Why is his scar not noticeable? It isn't clothes that make such a thing visible so is it because he's covered it with something or simply that the normal dress makes the scar seem softer. Makes his face seem younger and more vulnerable? I think you need to re-phrase this slightly so that it's less 'the clothes and scar both looked less noticeable' and more 'the scar looked less noticeable because he was dressed in softer clothes'. Obviously not using softer. I'm just being quick and speedy here to give you a general idea!
2. These are some sturdy stalls! What are they made of? Are they quite permanent rather than temporary? I shouldn't be hung up on this detail instead of reading on, but it strikes me as odd that he can lean on them as my knowledge of stalls dictates they are not to be leaned on unless you want to end up on the floor. But I've only seen temporary ones, the kinds that are raised up in a day. But yours have posts so they're more permanent? Are they like wagon stalls, sort of like a wagon turned stall or do they build and dismantle them every day or do they stay there? It's the little details like this which will make your story believable and make the world you're creating come to life!
3. Jack wants information, right? He's thinking of executing one thief so why tell the boy he won't hit him? Surely he thinks no better of him than the girl he's chasing so this is very out of character. What about this boy makes Jack be nicer? Even if he doesn't feel in the mood for hitting boys today, it would be more efficient for him to come across as threatening and he would get his information faster, so why does he try to spare the boy from being afraid?
4. So now he's willing to kill the child he told earlier he wasn't going to hit. This bothers me as I don't want to see Jack be inconsistent. He has to be good at his job to have risen to captain at such a young age so I won't accept less than perfection for him. And part of perfection is being consistent. If somebody tells me they're not going to hit me and then threatens to kill me, I'm going to be less certain and more willing to take a chance he's bluffing. Jack doesn't want the boy to think he's bluffing, therefore he should be consistent.
5. So he has sent the child off with a message that Jack wants to see Zach. But without giving a time or place or any other such details. Is the kid meant to just presume he's to bring Zach to him now or what? Guards are all about exactness of information so I'd expect Jack to tell him he wants to see him today and right here. And I'd expect him to maybe even make the boy repeat that back to him. Waiting for someone to not turn up is best avoided by all possible means!
6. The switch to Zach isn't needed. It adds no characterisation or really anything to the plot. I'd say stick with Jack and show us him growing nervous or being cool as a cucumber while he waits. We're more invested in Jack anyway and I'd like to stay with him. It's always best to have one narrator per chapter if you can manage it and I'm guilty of breaking this rule myself, but there's no reason for it here.
7. You use just a lot! And you use it in both Jack and Zach's dialogue. Please don't. It already bothers me that their names sound similar so don't let their voices start to as well. Remember, everyone has a different way of talking. Some people say extra words a lot like 'just; every; only' while others choose their language more precisely. Some ramble. Some get to the point. You need to avoid similarities in speech patterns and once we're further into the novel, we should know how a character speaks well enough that we could guess which lines of dialogue were theirs without needing to be told.
Overall
I don't want Jack to suggest he only wishes to capture Auxi. Even if it's true, you just took all tension out of this story for me. I want to be able to like Jack and still to hate him a little because I want to feel like Auxi is going to be in danger at some point in the future because of him. And as much as I don't like Auxi too greatly, she'd the main character. And you've gotta hjave a little loyalty for the main character. I certainly don't think she deserves to die, so there you go. Imprisonment on the other hand, I'd be game for that. From what I can tell she's dangerous so if he only wants to capture her, I'm on Jack's side for this one.
Annnnd I probably shouldn't be? It's like there's not even any tension if you don't have a death threat hanging over her head or if we don't care about her enough to mind her being imprisoned. This uncovers two issues. The first is that you need to show Auxi doing something good for someone. Something genuinely nice that I can appreciate. The second is you need a villain. If it's not Jack then you need to have the other city guard characters featuring more in his parts. I want to see them putting pressure on him to capture her and I want to see them either promising she won't be executed for her crimes or telling him she will and how Jack feels about that.
If Jack's the villain, stop trying to make him out to be the good guy. We can have respect for the villain and even like him, but he needs to scare us at the same time.
Bye bye for now! I think it might be snack time...
Heather xxx
Since this poor chapter has been stuck sitting in the back of the Works with 0 Reviews queue for so long, here I am to free it from such a sad state of existence.
I haven't read any of the earlier chapters, so if anything I bring up in this review was already addressed in an earlier chapter, feel free to disregard it.
With that said, the writing itself was a bit repetitive in places in several different ways. For example, in repeat "eye" within the same sentence, and close together at that: "the scar that barred his eye and his defining eyes". This isn't the only time you do so, and it makes your word choice feel quite bland and redundant. Another case of repetition is in your sentence structures:
These two sentences have the exact same basic structure. They both go with "There [form of be] a [noun] [location] and he [verb]", and considering they're right next to each other, it makes the similarity of their structure all the more obvious. You have a variety in sentences structures, but you tend to group similarly structured sentences together instead of alternating them, which makes the structures feel repetitious.
Another thing you need to watch are your pronouns. Right now, you have a lot of them, and it isn't always clear which pronoun is referring to which character. For example:
It isn't immediately clear whose eyes are glowing, and I actually had to stop and reread to figure out that the glowing eyes belonged to Jack. You don't want to make your readers stop and reread as it breaks the flow of the story, so using descriptions, like "the wild person" instead of relying so heavily on pronouns will help keep the characters' actions separate and easily identifiable as to who is doing what.
Lastly, I would've liked to have seen a bit more description of actions during the fight scene. Right now, the fight isn't very much described aside from basic action, and that makes it a bit dull for a fight scene. I'd recommend incorporating more of the senses into the fight scene, such as maybe having Zach notice how the sweat on his palms is making the grip on his dagger slip just a bit so that he hit Jack's coat instead of the man himself. Little details like that would go a long way in making the fight scene more tangible, and so a bit more exciting for your readers.
Thanks for reviewing Kyll!
I'll try and work on the points that you've told me about^^
My fight scenes really aren't good, are they... I'm going to find some help for that.
Thanks again
Auxiira^^