"Being me is really overrated today,” the freckled girl thought as she sat on the flat rooftop, her short, fiery hair ruffled by the warm wind, the hood that had covered them lying against her back. Her eyes were lit up with a mischievous light and a confident smirk was etched across her face. The girl’s expression promised pure trouble. The hems of her dark canvas combats were dusty and tattered, as was the bottom of her ankle length coat. Her army style boots that her combats were tucked into were well used and covered in dust. Her coat was closed from her hips up and you could only just see the bottom of her pale tunic.
A white flag hung from her hand, displaying the four-colour disk with a black circle in the centre carefully stitched onto it. On the corner of the flag were stitched the letters NE in red thread and above the circle in uniform letters was stamped “CITY GUARD”. She looked at it, smirked, then went back to mulling over her situation.
Okay, so stealing the City Guard’s flag as she liberated one of her thieves had probably been a bad idea, but, hey, they would have chased after her anyway. Sure, now that she thought about it, knocking out one of the captains, some of his squad and, in the process calling the City Guard morons definitely hadn’t been a very wise move and was certainly asking for trouble, but someone had to say it otherwise it would never have been said. Anyhow, so far no one had had the guts to get up onto the roofs and really chase her, and that was what counted. In this game of cat and mouse all that counted was not getting caught.
She was startled out of her thought by the arrival of a squad of soldiers in the alley-way below her. With only four soldiers and a captain in each squad, they were really no match for her when she got serious, but she preferred to stay on the roof, as they would probably call for reinforcement if she attacked them. They quickly spotted her and she waved leisurely at them as they muttered among themselves, then, as one of them stepped towards the house she was on, upped her guard.
“Miss, please come down!” he called up to her. “It’s dangerous on the roofs and we only want to talk to you!”
She beamed at him then called back down to them. “Yeah, um, question here: do you really expect me to fall for that? I mean, I know you managed to catch James with that but he’s really quite thick. I’m not. I know that as long as I stay up here, in my territory, I’m safe.”
The soldier tsked before asking her to give her name at least.
She giggled a little before giving it. “I’m Auxi, the only girl Thief-Master in the city. This area’s mine!”
“Really?” A voice called from the entrance of the alley-way, “I was under the illusion that the whole city belonged to the Lord and therefore also to the people who live here. Of course the city’s vermin that you are might believe that the city belongs to you, but I can assure you that it doesn’t.”
The voice’s owner, a young man, seemingly just another soldier, had walked down the alley-way and was standing directly beneath Auxi, ignoring the soldiers who had stood to attention behind him. His obsidian black hair glinted in the sunlight and his electric blue eyes pinned Auxi to the spot for a second with their intensity. A scar marred his right eye and the scowl etched onto his face seemed permanent. Auxi was surprised to see a captain’s badge pinned to his lapel as he seemed younger than any of the other captains, twenty years old at the very most. He looked up at her with an expression of bored tolerance on his face.
“So you’re the girl Thief-Master I’ve heard about.” There was something about his voice, a cold emotionless undercurrent that fitted with his haunted eyes. They held no emotions and betrayed past events that had scarred him. Interesting, she thought. This captain was much more interesting than any of the other captains that she had met.
She looked down at him and replied playfully. “Probably, although that claim could just be a figment of my imagination, a product of my ambitions.” The captain sighed than called her bluff.
“Is it?” his scowl deepened. Evidently this captain had no sense of fun.
“No, it isn’t, I really am the Thief-Master of this area, I just don’t flaunt it that much. The title gets me into unwanted situations like this one. However, since it was me who got myself into this one, I decided that there really wasn’t much point in hiding who I was.” She smiled slightly. “That said who are you? Even the outer quarter people are polite enough to introduce themselves before they fight.
“Who says we’re going to fight?” Auxi raised her eyebrows at him. “Right that was a stupid question. Well, I’m Captain Jack Rinka, 11th City Guard squad.” He smirked as he pulled out what looked like a normal gun. “Now that the niceties are over, let’s get down to business.” He aimed the gun at her and for the first time, something resembling a smile appeared on his face. “Thief-Master Auxi, you are under arrest for aiding a prisoner of the City to escape, resisting arrest, attacking the City Guard and numerous counts of theft. Will you surrender or do we have to capture you the hard way?”
“Do you think I ran all this way just to be captured? You can arrest me if you can catch me!” She smirked at them before jumping to her feet, throwing a smoke bomb into the alley-way and bolting off towards the next roof.
Suddenly a bolt of lighting flashed in front of her, missing her by only a few inches. Auxi pulled up short and looked down into the alley-way. The smoke had cleared, blown away by a gust of wind and the captain was standing there, his gun still pointing at her, the end sparking slightly. The soldiers behind him had gloating grins plastered onto their faces. The sleeve of Jack’s uniform had slid down his arm and Auxi caught a glimpse of a metal bracelet on his wrist. She looked at it for a few tense seconds before it jumped into focus. It was a magician’s bracelet, a restrainer. The bold E stamped on it showed that it was for an elemental. Auxi could tell from the attack that he had just sent at her that he was strong. The gun that was pointed at her was probably a focuser. She was in deep trouble unless she got out of there fast. She eyed the captain warily as he kept his gun trained on her.
“You’re an elemental.” She stated, the teasing tone gone from her voice.
“Never said I wasn’t darlin’.” His voice was mocking, but still cold. It sent shivers down her spine. “Are you going to come down or do I have to shoot you unconscious? I don’t mind either.”
She threw him a look that could have chilled the midday sun. “Neither, you gun-wielding ruler-rat. I’m a roof-runner; I think that I’ll take my chances.” Her forest green eyes that she had inherited from her parents' tribe glinted in the sunlight as she looked at the sky and sucked in a deep breath. When she looked back at Jack, the expression in her eyes had changed. It had become one of someone who lived for the moment, one that you rarely saw in this city. Her expression pinned him to the spot with its intenseness. She smiled radiantly at him and laughed. “Catch me if you can!” She bolted off, leaping to the next roof before Jack managed to shoot at her, missing. He lowered his arm and watched her speed off. Using his powers twice had tired him and he wasn’t ready to use up his power to capture her when he was sure he could get her a different way. He turned back around and ordered his men back to base.
As he left, he turned back and looked in the direction that Auxi had bolted in. For some reason he had imagined that once she had seen his power, she would just give up. He wouldn’t underestimate her again. He wouldn’t let her eyes pin him to the ground with their freedom again. Next time. Next time he would catch her. He smiled at the thought.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Love it! Can't wait to read more of this, and honestly if I had gotten this far on a book in the store, I would have bought it already, let me know if it gets published. (I'm actually writing this review so I can look at it later).
Flow was great.
The only things I would change is this:
“Never said I wasn’t darlin’.” His voice was mocking, but still cold.
"Never said I wasn't darlin'," he said with a cold mocking voice.
Sorry, my reviews normally are a little more detailed.
Keep going with this and keep writing!
~Kay
Wow! Thanks!
I told you a couple of hints so here are the reminders.
Who is James?
Who are elementals?
The reader needs to know these things or else they feel like they missed something.
Also, arrangement of blocks of text and description to make it flow.
For example:
[“Really?” A voice called from the entrance of the alley-way, “I was under the illusion that the whole city belonged to the Lord and therefore also to the people who live here. Of course the city’s vermin that you are might believe that the city belongs to you, but I can assure you that it doesn’t.”
The voice’s owner, a young man, seemingly just another soldier, had walked down the alley-way and was standing directly beneath Auxi, ignoring the soldiers who had stood to attention behind him. His obsidian black hair glinted in the sunlight and his electric blue eyes pinned Auxi to the spot for a second with their intensity. A scar marred his right eye and the scowl etched onto his face seemed permanent. Auxi was surprised to see a captain’s badge pinned to his lapel as he seemed younger than any of the other captains, twenty years old at the very most. He looked up at her with an expression of bored tolerance on his face. ]
Just simply re-arranging the sentences and changing a couple of words can help balance the chunkyness.
For example this is how I would arrange it:
“Really?”
A young man, seemingly just another soldier, stepped from the entrance of the alley-way and walked forward until he was standing directly beneath Auxi, ignoring the soldiers who had stood to attention behind him.
“I was under the illusion that the whole city belonged to the Lord and therefore also to the people who live here."
The sunlight glinted of his obsidian black hair and his electric blue eyes pinned Auxi to the spot for a second with their intensity.
"Of course the city’s vermin that you are might believe that the city belongs to you," he paused; the scar that marred his right eye twitched, only emphising that the scowl etched onto his face seemed permanent.
"but I can assure you that it doesn’t.” his final statement rang through the silence. Auxi was surprised to see a captain’s badge pinned to his lapel as he seemed younger than any of the other captains, twenty years old at the very most. He looked up at her with an expression of bored tolerance on his face.
I'm not saying change it to that. It is just an example and too has its flaws. I would also continue and conclude the next little paragraph in there as well.
ohhh. I like it^^ less of an info-block, which I need to fix...
I really enjoyed reading this. It gave me an Assassin's Creed feel: play par core on rooftops, freeing fellow assassins and thieves from medieval dungeons, taunting the kings guard. It was a really fun and interesting piece. I look forward to reading the remaining chapters you uploaded. The one thing I think you do particularly well is censor the detail you use. You use enough to capture the girls image, and then enough to describe her situation with the guards, but the descriptions of her surroundings were minimal, which I thought was cool and left a lot of room the imagination.
JMR3
Thanks! I don't do the censoring on purpose, just kinda...forget details... Imagine this as a Prince of Persia sort of place (I've never played/watched any videos of Assassin's Creed so I wouldn't really know what it's like...)
OH THEN YOU HAVE NOT IDEA OF THE AMOUNT ON CREATIVE INSPIRATION YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON! If you had not even considered the Assassin's Creed franchise, consider it now! Play the games (preferably the one set in Renaissance Italy) and use the experience to your advantage!
^^ I have to obtain disk and permission to use the Xbox (they do do it for Xbox, right?)
Yes it is available for Xbox. It's so worth it, you'll fall in love. The series is based on a fictional past, with the use of real life political figures and leaders from history. It has inspired a lot of my work.
ooooohh
Okay, this was great.
However, I really think you need more detail to your story.
I know, I've said this like six times in the past few minutes, but really.
Some people need more detail on their stories. Your characters were great, but I didn't notice Auxi having any emotion at almost being fried . . . ?
Your world is completely incomprehensible, I can't understand were she is, what she's doing, who she is . . . anything. Now of course I assume this will be filled in in coming chapters but it could use a bit more in this chapter.
You have a few typos in your writing, mostly just grammar and punctuation. . . little things that could be easily gotten rid of with a quick review of your own and a bit of editing.
Your idea seems original, and I appreciate that, a lot.
I really like it when people describe the buildings, the clothing, the faces, and everything in their stories, not too much of course, there is such a thing as too much information.
But more than you have for sure.
It makes it so that I can immerse myself into the novel so much better . . .
And that's important.
And that's the mark of a great novel, a novel that you can become part of . . .
I really like Auxi's character, but she feels like a bad kind of person, not the kind of person that would make a good story . . . Really, if you want a GREAT story, your characters must be elementally good.
Also, you should capitalize elemental I think???
Also, I think you should try to cut down your paragraphs more, it would make the reading easier.
Really, it would. It's too compact right now. You have the periods, but not the enters.
Oh, and capitalize you T after the beginning statement . . . it would look better.
You use 'combats' as though we will instantly assume you mean combat boots . . . it would be a good thing I think to put in some "boots" in there at a few points.
It would make it easier to understand.
But otherwise this was great, a good start to a story.
The idea seems original, and I like that.
Keep writing!
Hello! So I was looking for a novel to follow and review and you have eight chapters of yours up, which is a good number to start with! Which means I'm here and I'll follow this right until the end or until you stop writing. Please don't stop writing! If you want to send me a nudge every time you post a new chapter, that would be cool. Then I won't miss it!
Just a quick suggestion for re-wording! I think 'with a black circle carefully stitched into the centre' would be more interesting and flow much more smoothly.Specifics
1. I'd like to see you open with a line of description first! Dialogue works as an opening when it's an action scene or a particularly momentous piece of dialogue, but in this instance I'd rather that you tell me there's a freckled girl and where she is, before you have her speak.
2. Beautiful description of the girl. I'd only suggest that 'army boots' would be more succinct than 'army style boots' but other than that, good stuff.
3.
4. Wait. All that description of a flag for her to smirk and turn her attention away? I feel that trivialised it somewhat. You've put a lot of effort into describing it so why not spend a little longer on her reaction as well! What kind of smirk is it? Mischief? Contempt? Does she crumple the flag or swing it at something? If I went to the trouble to steal it, I'd be having a good fun play with my new toy!
5. The back-story is less fun than it would have been to see the close of this rooftop escape. Could you maybe start with that instead? Have her mid-escape and show us her stealing the flag or at least describe her carrying the flag and get our hearts pumping. Make us invested in the character and fearing for her from the start.
6. Try to avoid these things like 'no match for her when she got serious'. The problem is you're setting your character up to be unbeatable and that's not so good. I don't know her enough yet to like or dislike her, but I want to be able to think at every stage that she might be defeated. I want to watch her grow in strength and take on bigger, more dangerous forces. Giving your character pride is one thing but you have to be careful to phrase it so that it sounds like the pride is your character's and not your own. Sentences like this are saying that you know they'd be no match for her, instead of it being a thought in her head.
7. Love the contrast of her dialogue and the young man. Very nice and a very good distinction of characters.
8. You don't need to tell us she finds him interesting. The very fact that she has shut her mouth and he's getting her attention tells us that so don't ruin it with the commentary.
9. She's contradicting herself. She says she doesn't flaunt her title much and yet she has stolen their flag and then stayed around to boast to a squad of guards. I'm not saying it's a bad contradiction. If it fits your character to be contrary then keep it. But I'm hoping the nice young man wipes that grin off her face. I like him. I don't particularly care for her. Fun-loving, rebellious characters are one thing and I love a good rogue as much as anyone, but so far she's grating on me.
10. You go over-board on the explanations sometimes. It's good to keep us in the loop and I like that, but we don't need you to explain every detail about every magical item. We'll pick some of it up as we go along. For example:
You're good until this point but we don't need to be told that he's strong. You gave us that impression already with her shock and the nearly getting hit. We also don't want to hear that the gun is a focuser just now. We get it. He's elemental, therefore electric or some such and he's shooting it out of the gun. We also know she's in trouble, though it's nice of her to finally notice it
11. I don't like the perception switch to Jack at the end. I'd rather you stay more omni-present and only give one character's feeling per chapter. You can still describe what happens after she left the scene but don't tell us Jack is spent. Describe him looking tired, but not broken, instead. Plus it would help keep your characters level. At the moment this is too 'auxi is the bestest' for my liking. It's a difficult view to start on as people don't want to root for the victor. They like a good underdog. Think Pirates of the Caribbean and how cocky and awesome Jack is, but he still makes mistakes and gets captured. If he had escaped then, the audience would love him a lot less.
Overall
This is a good start! I find your use of magic and related technology interesting and I like one of your characters. That's pretty good going! You've got lovely descriptions and other than Auxi bugging me a bit, there's nothing to complain about in your dialogue. Nicely done. I'll probably give you more general tips in the chapters to come, but for now, the only one I have is this:
Action
When writing an action scene, keep up the pace. It's good to learn about magical artefacts but I'd rather have a 'what was that' and get to enjoy some fast paced action than for you to sit me down and say, 'so this is a magical gun that focuses a person's power and this person is an elemental so he can use one'. I'm exaggerating, true, but please don't take me any less seriously! This is tugging your reader out of the story too much and it's a classic case of telling vs showing.
All the best and I'll see you again soon!
Heather xxx
You start your very first chapter with a paragraph of physical appearance. Don’t do that. Usually you either want to be brief with appearances or space them out, not bunch them together into paragraphs, especially in the beginning. You want an action, a settings or mood description or character peek when you begin. You are trying to go for a hook, and while the rest of the intro is fine in capturing attention, the very first paragraph stands out sort of bland.
A tiny remark, keep the exclamation marks only for dialogue and even then be sparing. And another one, you are narrating in third person but your voice is a bit too familiar. Words like “anyhow” for example are more characteristic for first person the way you used it.
Two story related minor remarks: Is it integral that she is a “Girl” master thief? Just underlining that a couple of times gets you into all sorts of tricky gender relations issues. I mean if you want your society to be sexist emphasizing on gender is fine, I guess. But in fiction people usually go for neutral unless they want to make a point. You just don’t want to make gender stand out in your imaginary society. I mean if she says it, it’s not really an issue, but when he does as well its underlining it. Once you can live with, just try not to make a habit.
And the other one, is it necessary to the plot for him to be 20? I mean its eye catching and all that he is so young and a captain, but to me it seems that it’s pushing it a bit. I usually go for at least “university graduate” age when I have young characters in influential positions. I mean unless you are making a particular point I see no reason why he can’t be, say 25. Then he is still young and it’s still impressive, but it’s not too young and logically he had enough time to reach that position.
“Something had happened to this person that had scarred him and killed his emotions.” – show don’t tell. Also the “interesting” after is what I mean about being too familiar in a third person. If you add “she though” it might make it safer.
“Never said I wasn’t darlin’” – somehow seems out of character. Make sure you got your character sketches down, is he the cold, serious and methodic type, or is the cruel sadist type? (Roughly said I mean.)
“It had become one of someone who lived for the moment, one that you rarely saw in this city.” – show don’t tell again.
“She got to the next roof before Jack managed to shoot at her, missing.” I’ve noticed this a few times now. It’s fine that she got to the next roof and all, but show us how. Describe her moving, jumping climbing, anything. Not in too many details, but a sentence or two will do, just give the reader a sense of movement of action, show us how it’s happening, not one fact after another stating what happened.
Overall good. Safe for the few stylistic issues you got the story going. You have your characters, your settings and most importantly your conflict and all you have to do is keep it going. So good job, keep up the good work.
Thanks for the help!
Hello there, Auxiira!
I said I was going to review, and I finally got here.
First of all, though I have said it already, I like your writing style. It's simple in a way, yet it's interesting and makes me want to read more
I must tell you, I'm not a native English speaker, so I will not be looking at grammar and such. But I'm sure other reviewers will point you in the right direction for that one
Ok. So. The beginning is nice, I like the opening line. However, I would like to see why is it that she thinks that way. Perhaps you could make the following description, which does kind of tell too much at once and seems like an info-dump, more connected to her thoughts? Maybe she could keep thinking about the reasons for her first thought, linking it somehow to her appearance, her tribe, her surroundings. From thoughts, one can find out a lot about the character, and that makes the reader feel far more connected than when he/she only knows how the character looks like.
I liked the dialogue a lot. They're witty, there's humour, yet it's all a serious situation and I think you portrayed it well. I also liked the characters, and, maybe surprisingly, I don't have a problem with the point of view changing at all. It's interesting, after seeing the rest written from hers, to read a bit written form his point of view. It makes him more than an important side character. It tells the readers that he matters. Actually, I would like to see even more of his thoughts. I hope they will appear in the next chapters again.
"He wouldn't let her eyes pin him to the ground with their freedom again."
I am particularly fond of this sentence. There's just something about it, at the same time cute, ominous, promising and somehow romantic.
All in all, very interesting piece that could use some improvement, but really doesn't need much. I'll be reading the next chapters, and keep me posted about the new things you write, will you? :3
Kind regards,
Aria
Thanks Aria! I think that in this part of the story her tribe really won't be very important,but it will be later... Of course I'll keep you posted! I have some other stuff on dA that I won't be putting here because I want to be able to post stuff when I want to so if you want to see it you'll have to got there...
That won't be a problem, I have DA as well ^^ :3
Hey Auxiira, Stella here!
Okay as far as opening paragraphs go, I really don't like this at all. The first thought is an interesting one, but I don't like that the girl is unnamed. As well this is a bit of an infodump- where you tell us everything at once. Spoonfeed us. This is all lovely description, but at the beginning of a story what you want is a hook, a line and a paragraph and a page that will get us interested and keep us reading. Knowing that the girl has freckles and green eyes and a long coat isn't going to do that.
You need to fix the paragraphing here. Put the action with the person who says it. So for instance, "She beamed" etc. should be on the next line, the line where Auxi begins to speak. That way it's easier for us to keep track of who says what.
Okay so again with the infodump. Here it isn't as bad, but think of a few things- can she see his eyes from that distance? Does the scar need to be mentioned now or would it serve you better to mention it later?
Okay so I have a thing against switching the PoV like this, it seems cheap and it breaks the flow. If Auxi is your point of view character for this section then let her carry it alone, let us see Jack's thoughts later in a part that might be more his scene. Like, if you have a conversation with someone, you can't suddenly read that person's mind. It's the same with drifting from character to character during a scene. It feels like a bit of a cheat somehow. Some authors do it very well and if you want to do so that's fine. But do it for a reason other than its being the easy way out.
Overall though I really liked this a lot! I love the story you've got going on and the characters seem really interesting! I can't wait to read more, this was a good beginning!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thanks for giving me these pointers! Phwooo... I'm not really very good with integrating descriptions into a text so it does sometimes end up as infodumps... same with paragraphing. It's been pointed out by other people that my paragraphing is a bit dodgy, I'm trying to correct it but it isn't working very well...
With the change of PoV, I have no excuse. It ^just came out of my head like that ^^
-Auxi
Wow! Jack sounds interesting...Especially his eyes. I love how you've expressed them. Auxi.....Now there's a character I like. A woman in power has always been my favorite. But the fact that she's a thief. Now there's a role I'd never imagine a woman in. Well nevertheless, I like this a lot. I can hardly wait to read the other chapters.
P.s: Your writing is really good.
Regards
Anouk
Thank you!
I liked how you didn't do any info dumps. When it came to talking about the elemental and his focuser-gun, the way you explained it was brief and concise, which is very good. Also, you put action into the first chapter, which is a very good way to hook a reader if you do it right. When you have action like that, with a reason to worry about the character, the reader will want to see more.
The POV's were confusing, however. I believe it was third person omniscient, where the narrator sees all. Third person omniscient tends to make a reader disconnect with the character, in my mind anyway. It was hard to keep track of when you switched which person you were looking at. It does look like you have some separation, however. What I would suggest to keep the readers from just skimming straight over those breaks is to mention the character whose viewpoint you're using's name as soon as possible, connecting it to their thoughts.
Thanks for the help!
Hey there! I liked the concept of having the main character a bad guy. Nice naming of all the characters. In some places there was a little too much detail but that's easily remedied. Another thing was that the setting sounds like a fantasy and there are GUNS?
I do have a question though. How old is she?
Its little things like that and I know I'm being picky. Other than that I enjoyed this very much.
Actually, fantasy settings with guns are fairly popular! The Monster-Blood Tattoo series included guns, as well as many steampunk style stories.
thanks for answering the gun question Shino! other than that she's meant to be 20 but my friends pointed out that the way she acts is more like a teenager so I might change her history a bit and make her more 17/18...
although, I might just put it down to her having lost her childhood to the circumstances.
Hey there!
I really liked this story. It's a mixture of the mischievousness of Auxi and the seriousness of Jack. The two contrasting characters make this story very interesting to read.
The dialogue seems to play a major role for this chapter. It's not too heavy, because you still have narration. The dialogue itself has Auxi portrayed as a child like girl who liked to play around but yet was sure of her skills.
Jack seemed to be the over serious type of person, the way he looks reinforces that. The way he talks is very confident and he shows that in his powers too.
Overall I feel that the dialogue plays a major part in this chapter but in future chapters I would like to see more of narration. Also Jack seemed pretty confident in the first place that he would be able to catch her but in the end Auxi escaped. Still Jack didn't seem too bothered. If it were me I would be pretty pissed of at my failure and the fact that a girl escaped from me. Jack doesn't show that at all, and it makes me wonder why. Also why didn't he just capture her straightaway and waste time talking if capturing her was his main goal?
Hope my review helped!
More narration... okay
Right for the other things:
1: he was pretty confident but using his power in huge bursts like that tires him. I think that I forgot to put that in.
2: he's more cut off from his feelings than what comes across. Imagine an ice cube.
3: he likes taking his time when hunting people. He's the type to stalk them slowly and let them sweat before catching them. Apart from hate for... well that will come later, the pleasure of the hunt is one of the only things he can feel.
thanks for the review and I hope that this answers your questions!!