Young Writers Society

Hi! I'm here for a quick review.

The first thing I noticed was that you used those real-life 'feelings' in your story. It gives it a realistic touch, but I think you could have written it a little better. Just some tiny changes could make it seem a lot more convincing. The only advice I can give you, is to re-read your story at least thrice.

I like the way you describe the speaker's inner turmoil, and Writer's Block!! It's great that you mentioned that. It makes the whole situation very relatable.

I think you could have done a little more character development, for both of them. But again, this is a very short story and that would lengthen it a little.

My sister looked at me like I was crazy

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: So this was a pretty nice little story. It seems to be a bit of a sibling kerfuffle going on here, and its as emotional as it is humorous here....and I love that. Its certainly a pretty fun story to read.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Walking into the room I look around, something is missing. I don't see anything wrong, but that little nagging feeling at the back of my head tells me that there is an off feeling in this room. Then I realize, it's missing! The stuff I had left on the dresser was missing; it had all been so carefully folded, with perfect corners and razor straight edges. With the shiny metal bits and the promise for creation to come. I slowly back out of the room, my emotions in a raging spinning turmoil, turning I run through the doorway, I have to find it! I take the stairs two at a time, skidding down the slippery wooden hallway I see it. My sister stole it! I clomp into the room, taking in the colors swirling on her walls; she is an artist, she constantly repaints her room. I reach over her shoulder and grab it from her,

"I caught you red handed!" I roar, "How could you do this!" The perfectly white sheets of paper I had just bought for writing are now a myriad of color. The brand-new, unsharpened pencils are now nubs from too much use. I fall to my knees; wrapping my arms around myself I cry.

"How could you! I just got these, the stores are closed now. All my beautiful ideas, down the drain of forgetfulness before they even existed!" My sister looked at me like I was crazy, "Um, Idek, it was just paper and pencils. You can get some more tomorrow on the way home from school."

She doesn't understand, "But you don't get it Shar! The plot bunnies I have reared are now running away, my characters are making their own lives. And worst of all: Writers block is setting in!"

She laughs, "Oh noes, you life is ruined now. That's horrible. But I ran out of paper and had some great designs I wanted to get down and-"

I cut her off, "How are your art designs more important than my story designs!" I yell, emotion taking over, "I bought those supplies myself, if you wanted paper and crap you should have gone and got your own!"

I stomp back to my bedroom and slam my door, I throw myself on the bed and sob. This day had really gone horribly.

Hey AutoPilot!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really cool story and it reminded me of about several thousand similar argument I have had with my brother in the past. What I really liked was how it felt less like a story and more like a scene from a real person's life. We all get a little overwhelmed when we lose something for a stupid reason, and I can absolutely understand the need to completely capture an idea the moment it takes place, in case it decides not to show again.

Here are some little details I noticed:

Oh noes, you life is ruined now.

My sister looked at me like I was crazy,

I loved this story! It was funny and made me laugh. I loved the sibling fuss there made the story feel more real. You did have one or two mistakes. Like you said "you life" when its suppose you be your. I did like this story and hope to read more of your material. Just remember subject verb agreement.

I like the story in general. Great comedy. I was wondering about the part where the story changes from present tense to past tense. Was that on purpose? If not could you fix that? I did like the writing and the amount of questions the reader had when they began the story. I was also wondering about the timing. Did this happen in one day? To me it felt like a couple minutes. But still a great story and I hope you continue writing them.

Hiya! Fire here for a review

I like your idea here. I think it's relatable to a lot of people, when someone takes their belongings without permission or something happens so you can't do what you want to do. Even so, I think your writing has a little room for improvement.....



"I slowly back out of the room, my emotions raging spinning turmoil, turning I run through the doorway, I have to find it!"


This is a major run-on sentence. You need to break it down for your readers to understand:

"I slowly back out of the room, my emotions raging in a spinning turmoil. Turning, I run out of the room. I have to find it!"


Here's another:

"I clomp into the room, taking in the colors swirling on her walls; she is an artist, she constantly repaints her room."

Try:

I clomp into the room, pausing for a split second to take in the swirls of color on the walls. My sister is an artist, and she is contantly repaintting her room.





You also use "it" a lot........I think that you could use a little more description a little sooner. What is the "stuff"? What is "it"? The story might make more sense if that's introduced sooner.

You also have a few grammar/dialogue mistakes. Check out some of the forums to get some more help with that


Other than that, I really liked the story. Happy writing!!!

~Fire

@TahaT11n

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