I got bored and wanted to write a short story, but I didn't know what to write about. So here we are, this should be interesting! ^-^
Prompt: Write a story about a postman sitting in a dentist's chair clicking the wrong X.
'Finally, I'm here." I think as I pull my car into the dentist's parking lot. I carefully manuver the vehicle between a blue sedan and a red civic and put it in park. Grabbing my keys and phone I jog to the doors. As I go to open one I see a women coming up behind me; I pull the door the rest of the way and hold it for her, she gives me a quick smile and a mumbled thanks as she goes in. I walk behind her and we both head towards the reception and waiting area. As I take a seat I put my pen to paper and start filling out the paperwork for this visit. 'Last name: Skyah, Phone Number: (216) 952-1358, Profession: Mail Carrier'. After the form is filled out, I turn my phone on to occupy myself while I wait; a brightly worded article on the news page labeled "You No Longer Have To Be Alone!" grabs my attention:
'Do you go to work everyday wishing that you had someone to come home to? Do you want someone to be there to comfort you after a long day? Do you need a friend. We have a offer for you! Everyday, hundreds of pets and children are left at homes and shelters, you could open your arms and give them a home! We have a unique program here, when children are abandoned at any home, orphanage, or church in the Gettalyfsburg area, they are brought to one of the many Gettalyfsburg area shelters to pick out a animal. They are then raised with that animal and when they turn eight are sent to a special home where people can visit and possibley adopt! You will no longer be alone, with a child, a pet, and someone to care for the pet! Just call us at (440) 23-ADOPT'
I frown, sure that somehow there is something wrong going on here. Just as I am about to furthur investigate, the receptionist calls my name, "Mr. Skyah, the doctor is ready for you now." I stand up and follow her to the exam room. Sitting down I scan the publishing information of the article, I accidently hit an ad with my thumb; as I try to shut it, the phone freezes for a second. Annoyed, I hit the little 'x' in the corner a few times, the ad closes, but so does the article! I furvently try to find the article again, but it seems to have disappeared. I scowl with frustration, just then, the doctor comes in. "Is everything okay Mr. Skyah?" He asks with a curious smile. "Um, yeah." I answer, "Everything is fine."
After the appointment I head to the post office to get everything ready for tomorrows work. Walking in the door, a flash of color out of the corner of my eye captivates my curiousity, I walk over and frustrationg boils up inside of my mind. It is a flyer with the words, "If you see this article, or anyone persuing this article; please tell the manager of this workplace, or go to the nearest athorities." Below the title was an excerpt from the article I had read earlier. Underneath the passage was a note saying that the pet and child adoption article was not a scam, but it was illegal and needed o be stopped. Well, if that doen't just beat all.
That was interesting...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi, there I will say the end got me, and I love this little short story. But I think you could have made the ending a little more twistful. Just an idea, but at the end I defiantly would have had a man in a suit with a little boy and dog standing there when he got to work. Then Mr. Skyah would walk over and the man get the talking to him, and he would have adopted the child and dog and right after the man left the police would have showed up. This would have started a huge commotion and just for kicks at the very end have the kid start crying and say he was kidnap by Mr. Skyah
Oh yes! This will totally become awesome when I edit it! Thanks for the awesome review!
This was weird. I like weird, but I think I like weird with a conclusion. I don't know, I felt that the whole writing was just meandering around, looking for a purpose, and when it did find that purpose the story ended in an ellipsis. It could be put to better use, is what I'm saying.
Some problems:
-"As I go to open one I see a women coming up behind me" I see a woman
-"Do you need a friend." Do you need a friend?
-"We have a offer for you!" We have an offer for you.
-"They are then raised with that animal and when they turn eight are sent to a special home where people can visit and possibley adopt!" Possibly adopt.
-"I furvently try to find the article again, but it seems to have disappeared." Fervently.
-"I walk over and frustrationg boils up inside of my mind" Frustration.
-"If you see this article, or anyone persuing this article; please tell the manager of this workplace, or go to the nearest athorities." Persuing? Do you mean pursuing? And as for athorities, it's authorities.
-"Well, if that doen't just beat all." Doesn't.
I think if it was longer and surrounded the actual conflict, being the missing children and dogs, it could be more interesting and genuinely good. But for now, it's a bit of a mess.
Signing out, and hoping for the best.--EM.
Thanks for the review... I really need to get around to editing this :p
I guess the plot twist at the end was sort of interesting.
There are a ton of spelling and grammar mistakes that distract from the actual story. I hope in the future you write with an actual word processor and clean up your writing before you upload it. The opening paragraph has a ton of unnecessary details. We don't need to know what the other cars are. I guess the phone was necessary so we know we have it on them, but the woman shouldn't have been there that fast if he was jogging. And she was nowhere to be found once actually inside, so I don't understand the purpose of having her.
The story felt a bit directionless at times, and there wasn't much gripping in terms of actual characters or plot or setting. Not really bad for a low effort short story, but I think you're capable of writing much more polished stories. Hope you share more in the near future.
This is the part where I grin and stare at the floor...
I wrote this when I was bored, I will in the future fix all the spelling mistakes and all.. Thanks for the review!