I stroll down the sidewalk, contently smiling at the warm day. I take a
corner and stop short. In the middle of the street is a police car, two police
men are standing next to the car, arguing about something. Their faces are
bright red and their voices are loud and angry. Both of the men are a little on
the plump side with balding hair.
They look really angry. I walk over, trying to figure out what's going on.
"Que pasa?" I ask, they pause their arguing and look at me strangely.
"What?" The bigger of the two cops asks in a confused voice, making an effort to clarify I respond, "I
said what's happening, what's wrong?"
The other cop pauses to think,
"Well, he says we are out of donuts, and I'm hungry."
I try not to laugh, "You are arguing like children in the middle of the
street over your lack of pastry?"
The cops look at each other, seemingly realizing how ridiculous their scenario
is. They drop their eye contact and blush guiltily, "Well, yeah..."
the smaller cop starts, "They were really good donuts and we haven't eaten
yet today..."
I eye their large protruding stomachs, "What a shame that is. Would it
make you feel better if I took you two fellows out for lunch?"
The cops smiled happily, "That would be extremely nice!" The larger
cop exclaims, "I am really hungry!"
We climb into their patrol car and drive to the nearest Red Robin's, they both
voted for McDonalds, but I had decided that was a bad choice for them. We climb
out of the car and walk into the restaurant. We get a table and wait for our
waiter to come take our orders. While we wait we scan the menus, before I even
start looking at the food both cops are smiling.
"Do you really like this place then?" I ask curiously. The cops share
a look of joy, "It's okay," the bigger cop starts to say, "But
they have donuts as a special today!" the other cop finishes excitedly.
I shake my head in disbelief; my plan for a healthy lunch had completely
backfired on me. The cops ordered sandwiches, milkshakes, and half a dozen
donuts each. When we finished our food, we paid the bill and walked back out to
the car. I still don't know how the cops had managed to eat all those donuts.
By the time we had gotten back to my street, they were both looking a little
green around the gills. "You two fellows okay?" I asked.
The two cops shared a queasy look, "My stomach hurts!" one cop
moaned, "Mine does too." the other cop added.
I smiled inwardly, but on the outside I tried to look as sympathetic as
possible, "That is generally a side effect of eating six donuts and a full
lunch." I said, as if talking to two small children. "Moderation is
key my dear friends." and with that I climbed out of the car and strolled
up the walk to my house. That's what they get for being gluttons.
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140,699 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Greetings,
The writing draws the reader in and demands attention from the mysteriousness of it. It is also just quick enough to keep the reader's attention moving forward. It's like a car that doesn't have the pedal pressed forward but is still creeping ahead. Whether this is what you intend or not is up to you.
The scenario was ridiculous especially since the police men are supposed to be figures of authority. I felt these two characters were way underdeveloped, possibly even being created merely to perpetuate the story of the main character. It doesn't feel honest to have characters for one sole purpose. This is even more so true when they're an integral part of the story.
My suggestion to improve this piece would be to give it some direction. It almost feels as if you took the story by the wheel, pressed the pedal and took it where it willed. In some writing this is ok, in this story it was not. I, the reader, did not finish this story with anything different from when I began. It seemed slightly preachy with the sentence at the end, suggesting maybe that gluttony is an idiots vice. I didn't feel this was the message though. This being a comedic piece, create a contrast somewhere in the piece to give the reader some basis. Otherwise this piece is centered in a world where cops stop in the middle of the street for childish reasons.
Consider the revision process important for not only errors and mistakes but for a fresh view on the story. This can prevent creating unnecessary or boring sections in your story. I enjoyed it enough to finish it so that's a good sign. I enjoyed the simplistic writing style, it painted the picture well while giving the piece momentum. I can taste the flavor of your writing budding. A few more years pruning and your voice will be spiced to perfection.
Thank you!
This is my favorite kind of review. I love being encouraged and told I did something right (who doesn't?), but knowing you didn't achieve something, and then being told how to do it right is good too. Thank you for telling me how I can make this better!
Hi!
I really like the plot of the story, I find it funny! I like the choice of words you have you have used. Not only that but I also like the lay out of your story. I was able to understand this, and I was able to read it fluently. My favorite part of the story is when we find out the cops went to Mc Donald's because they have donuts! The main reason for me enjoying this is because it is not for a specific age-anyone can read it! Really lie it-please keep writing!
Very interesting, I was able to read it from start to finish with relative ease. Which means there was little to no mistakes in this paper. I do feel like those cops got just what they most deserve. Lol eating like they anit ate in weeks, like children and they are suppose to be grown men. I have to fuss at my brothers about that and their kids so that's how I viewed the cops in this story. All in all though I really did enjoy your story
Hello! This is my first review, like, ever so I'll try my best.
Let me just start off with... Red Robin's doesn't sell donuts and Caleb says it's illegal to buy cops food because it will be viewed as a bribe. Whether or not that's true, I don't know.
I think that for the sad writing prompt that it is (thanks Caleb) it's a pretty good story. I could see that happening to cops in America with how America is now xD
I like it a lot, and I think I might just post mine too!
And um yeah apparently I suck at reviews?
Keep up the writing,
fandomsnmusic
Hello and thanks for the review!
For a first review, this is not bad. When You write a review you want to include:
*What you liked about/thought of the work
*What spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes you saw
*What you did not like
*What needs to be fixed.
Your review was good, but very opinionated with no facts or helpful corrections. Your review was also very brief, although the minimum is 4 sentences, you barely met that.
All in all, great job Eden!
Keep on Writing
Um thanks, then? Also you can't say my name in public. I am strictly Death Boy and Death Boy only. Also thanks for the tips. Is it cool if I just review all your stuff, or is that stupid and semi-cheating? xD
No, go ahead. I'm fine with it because it will give you practice