A scene from my story

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Hey. Highly attention grabbing title you have there.

He did this, he did that. That's basically the whole first paragraph, minus the dialogue sentence. The first part of the last sentence is a valiant but feeble attempt at variety.

That said (and ha, I'm so very self-contious of repeating "that" right now!), I dislike the constant repetition of "the lieutenant". Goodness! It destroys the beginning completely. Oblivates it. Truly horrible. Call him somethings else. I don't know, make the reader not so prone to see it as a repition, for him/her to not practically physically feel it any time it appears in the text! Look at the beginning. Every single paragraph but for two of Adele's.

We later find out he's Koelle. Do we know it before? If we do, call him that before. Do.

Ew. Ew. Semicolons in a dialogue sentence! Why? I mean, seriously, why? What's the point of putting a semicolon there? It's not overly complicated, what he's saying - doesn't define his character by any means, either, because the lieutenant doesn't seem to me, after reading this scene, as the kind of person who would speak in semicolons.

Wound disinfection. I'd imagine that's not a pleasant feeling for Adele. I'd think the MC doesn't like causing her pain, either. But this is all that I only would possibly hypothetically think. Upon deeper consideration.

And yeah, how could he have missed a "small piece of wood or forest debris". Unbelievable, in both sences: terribly unrealistic.

Show us this scene.

Hmm. You have a lot of "ly" words, I forget their proper names. See it? Dialogue, dialogue, tag, and in it someone does sthing "ly", or variations of such. It's a nice method do get out of actually showing something, but don't overdue it. Prose then lacks emotion, substance, no matter how well-written. More in character impressions.

The most important moment in this scene, the Adele/Holstein

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General Holstein had the fair looks of many of his countrymen,
Sneaky passing of info. Love it.

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His mouth then hung agape when he realized why a moment later:
Awkward wording.

-

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he yelled at a young man passing nearby. The boy scurried off
Whatever. Really. Whatever. Unlike with the rest of the characters, I won't be demanding more drama - but this part seems really, really oh - contrived? Force? Those are the vibes I'm getting.

The officers, and I'm counting those as one seperate character which they in fact are, are nothing of the sort. One odesn't trip on a stone when getting to the part about them. Everything's natural, and so are they.

Adele. There are two Adeles. And I do not mean a character behaving differently at some two points - I mean two completely different characters. Adele Uno is bad. Adele Dos is a very good one (which does not by any chance means there is no more room for improvement! ).

Adele Uno is nodding faintly and she's full of gratitude, order reversed. She shrieks at the sound of a knife. Fine. But that doesn't make the reader sympathetic of her. Readers are usually cold and unfeeling creatures. The writer has to work to make them care. It isn't enough to occasionally - with a big emphasis on "occasionally", because we really see very little of Adele - tell us what she's doing.

That she was "half-carried" was very, very good. It lets me know that the state that she's in is not good, without outright saying: Adele was feeling very bad. And I want more of such moments.

For more blunt ones, what's her facial expression? Is she pale, red, sthing in between? Is she clenching her teeth? Is her breathing regular? Is she shaking? If she's not calm, scared, afraid, in pain - show us all this! Without this, she's a rather two-dimensional character. With a lot of promise, true, but unable to fulfill that promise.

Hmm. Her gaze then suddenly turns sharp. That's all there is to say about a clearly unusual event? The point that it's out of character for her comes across, but just barely. It could have been so much better!

Adele Dos, aka French whore. Woo. A devious character with a mind of her own, I love how she deals with the situation at hand. And here, unlike Adele Uno, we actually see her! See her, not a cardboard flat character gathering dust, occasionally moving with the hand that moves it actually being seen. Who'd want to go to a puppet theatre like that? No one, I tell you.

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Adele fired the gun, effectively cutting him off.
You go, girl!

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Just seconds ago wretched and sobbing, she now stared at him with a face cold and impassive.
Yes, yes, yes.

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“Now,” she said quietly, “you are going to turn around and walk back to your camp.”
Awesome.


Holstein. Holstein's not better in the confrontation part. This is obviously a very important moment, but a failed one. Here goes everything that I said about Adele. But unlike her in the first section, Holstein does redeem himself somewhat.

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The general, appearing to be the only one at ease in the room, smiled grandly.
Huh? I missed others being not at ease. "Grandly", though, is a nice word choice, and characterizes him very well. Show him from this angle before Confrontation scene more.

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The general continued into the tent and spoke with force.
Woo. This is what I want!

Somewhat, somehwat... Just pulls a blade out of his shoulder?! Redo this part, redo red redo redo.

All in all, though, Holstein's the best of the trio to relate to. Love him speaking - "damned slut", "French whore", "damnit"... Fantastic.

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All four men rose to attend these orders, leaving the general once again alone in a tent. He sat down at the table, examined the closest map, and waited for Foerster.
Blah. But a rather weak ending with him. The sentence itself - commendable, but "examined the nearest map"? I couldn't care less. It has no meaning, that. Waiting for Foerster is good. Consider possibly scrapping map? But the officer praise is repeated, though.

There's a second Holstein, too. Perhaps this was intentional - unassuming characters at first then turn, well, assuming. But I think that perhaps Holstein's first show could be better. Deepen whatever emotions that are already there. Whatever he shows, emphasise it more. Don't add new stuff - you don't need to. WOrk with what you already have, because its very good, but deepen everything.


The lieutenant. You know what he is? Bland. He does this, he does that, "the lieutenant" is being repeated until I want to scream (I'm exaggerating... a bit). He cares a bit for Adele, we're told. Th every beginning is when this should become painfully obvious. It doesn't. The spark is missing. Even if it's not rose-petals-are-falling-from-the-sky-love, he seems to harbor some sort of affection for Adele. He goes after her to not only catch her, but:

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“Fräulein, you must come back with me. I’m sure there has been some misunderstanding which will clear itself in due course, but you must return with me, now.”
Very good characterization through dialogue.

And fine, fine, he's resolute too, so carrying out general's order. But he watches her anxiously in the beginning! See? I'm torn. I don't knwo what to think about their relationship and that is not good. This is a negative mysrtery.

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When he paused to glance back at the girl, she was already gone.
Goood. Veyr good ending.

_

Characterization is the weakest link in an otherwise very good blend. The dialogue is fine (Holstein = terrific), words run smooth and are well-chosen and in general so written. But the very best (and really, probably the most important in the lot) is the plot. Drew me in completely. I like how not everything is given on a tray - Adele at first seems harmless, and then BOOM.

So. You got a lot of perhaps depressing, rub-your-nose-in-dirt comments. But remember they're only there because you have sthing going on that can support it. What already is, is good. But it can be better, and then it'll be awesomme.



Esme