Hey there AshleyT13 and Happy Review Day. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
The idea that you're toying with here is a very deep and serious one but the means you used to get with it, took away all the seriousness and deepness. I get the reasoning for making it so silly and stupid and having the imagery dance around but I really takes away more than it gives. I was more distracted by trying to focus on one aspect of the darn imagery, than I was focused on the actual point of the poem. This has been well picked over but there's much more that I'd like to comment on before I go on my way.
There's little or no flow here, which was a real deterrent to me and is something I know always drives people away from works. The punctuation elements of this piece are spotty at best, and that's being nice about it. Sometimes you will have the correct commas and periods. But then I skip down to the next line and it's either excessive or missing in some way. I think lightsong already covered this pretty heavily so I'm just going to hope he explained the specifics.
The bouncing around between ideas was confusing enough but the comparisons you decided to use also tripped me up. Somehow you jumped from comparing different types of shoes (guessing this was a poke at the relationship between clothes and personality). Then you move onto trying to get the reader to feel sorry for someone using a mirage of sorts. Like taking the complaining person and making them into this kind person at heart. But everything moved by too quickly for me. I think you really just need to slow it down a bit and give the reader time to process everything.
That's really all I've got to say for now. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to drop me a line.
Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz
Lieutenant Knight of the Grwen Room
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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