Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
So back in 2014 me and my brother decided we were going to visit New orleans with some friends for you know a good time. Everything was set we all were ready and on time to take off for the city now i have to mention this because it connects later in the story, My friend Andy just murmured this slowly just loud enough to understand "This is not good" and after that he was sweating like a pig during the whole trip we asked if he was ok but all he would say is "New Orlean Is Mine" there were some times when he was normal but when he looked like he'd seen a fucking ghost we would ask him "What's up?''.
So anyways we land in New orleans excited as fuck but as soon we exit the airport a very horrible stench hits us the kinda smell that makes you go "What the fuck?" we get in a cab and trying to be friendly we ask the cabbie how he was doing and he doesn't reply so we dont say anything for the next ten minutes but then Andy who sweating here too his voice shaking asks the man "hey man how long till we get to the hotel?" and i swear to god we were on a busy road and the car was going fast and this man just Turns around and his eyes... goddamn his eyes like the white part was yellow and he just slowly whispered " Shut the fuck up" so after this we stopped talking to each other too while we were in his car. We finally reach our destination and pay the man as soon as my friend tries to give him the money he grabs his hand gives a crooked smile and says "Be careful" and drives off so we are now in the hotel and we are all just recovering from the jetlag because we were visiting all the way over from Alaska so the next day we head out into the city one of us had already pinned down the good spots to chill so we knew where we were going and we had a great time all the cray fish and Absinthe went straight to our head and now it was time to go back home it was around 2:30 am and the street we were walking on was dimly lit with old street lights but our shifting from blurry to dizzy and walking was becoming difficult by the minute.
We had to take a minute to gather ourselves but out of nowhere we started hearing frantic screaming this overweight African American lady was Running towards us and she was screaming on top of her lungs no words just screams as if she was in extreme pain and we thought she was going to collide with us but she was like possesed because im a big dude and i know that when you are running and you are big you cannot stop dead in the tracks it takes a little time but this lady she stopped dead in the track looked Andy right in the eyes came a little closer And the she let out the most horrifying scream ive ever heard but this time she was saying something she screaming "The CITY IS MINE!!!!! NEW ORLEANS IS MINE!!!!!!" and then it hit us this was what Andy was saying back then and then she took a brief pause and Andy threw up for legit straight two minutes he threw up everything to the point blood came out and by the time he stopped the woman started laughing and ran where she came from. We weren't drunk anymore we were scared shitless but just not in our senses and we decided running was our best option so we started running and i don't know what happened next i just remember waking up in a hospital and and asking about my brother and my friends there was a police officer there and he said "your brother Michael and your friends are also admitted in the hospital you all were severly dehydrated and we found you all passed out outside your hotel but the bad news is we are still looking for Andy"
i froze there for second as i was still processing all of this all that i could say is "What do you mean you are still looking for him?" the police officer looked a little worried and he said " the hotel manager was on his way out when he found you he said that he tried to stop andy but he didn't listen and ran off towards the direction where you all must have come from" we all were discharged from the hospital and we stayed in the city for 15 more days in hopes that andy would come back but after half a month our families called us back its been 4 months now and the only thing they could find was his shoes and a note that said "NEW ORLEANS IS MINE"
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125,026 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
me and my brother--> this should be 'my brother and I"
New orleans ---> Orleans should be capitalized
You have 'run-on' sentences and punctuation marks are needed.
There are numerous errors in the second paragraph.
The concept of the story is good, However you are losing me as the reader because your story lacks the necessary punctuation.
Hi!
Gina here, stopping in for a review. I know this looks long, but I swear its basically all positive. First of all, as an overview, your title is definitely a good one and caught my attention. I specifically liked how you included the title as the end of the story; that is a tactic that a lot of well known and well regarded authors use, so kudos to you for picking up on that.
Anyway, on to my critiques:
"to visit New orleans with some friends for you know a good time."--for this I would write "to visit New Orleans with some friends for, you know, a good time." because if you were talking directly to someone that is where you would pause naturally.
"and on time to take off for the city now i have to mention this because it connects later in the story,"----I would end the sentence at city, capitalize Now and add a comma after it
"So anyways"---put a comma after this
" we get in a cab and trying to be friendly we ask the cabbie"--try "we get in the cab and, trying to be friendly, we ask the cabbie" instead
"We had to take a minute to gather ourselves but out of nowhere"--"but, out of nowhere,"
So, my overview of correcting is that you simply didn't use commas. Which is okay, but I would highly suggest doing so.
My overall opinion of the story though, was a very positive one. I liked how it was told as though you were speaking to me and not writing a narrative. It feels to us readers as though a friend is recounting their trip to us, and that is something that you don't see often, so I liked it. I also liked the concept and the story that you have begun to create and I really hope that you either 1) continue to write this story, or 2) write other stories and tag me in them because I think you are a natural storyteller and I would love to see more of your work
Thank you Gina i'm working on improving this one but means alot that you get this. Have a great day
You too! I don't think you need to improve much at all, just add a few commas but otherwise your story is great!
All right, so this was filled with grammar mistakes, but I can't really review this because it felt more like a blog post. I'm going to point out some ways you could improve your storytelling skills and then leave you with that.
is definitely a run-on sentence. So take a deep breath and look through it so that you have it more polished.The first thing I would suggest doing is just to go through and make sure everything is capitalized, punctualized, and looks like you're a mature adult grammarwise. I'm going to go through it and point out some of the more technical mistakes, but I'm sure that if you're old enough to get drunk you're old enough to know that
Here are some of the ways you could improve:
-Run-on sentences were rampant throughout the story. Take a deep breath and break them up into bite-sized pieces. Stories are like cakes, and paragraphs are like slices of cake, and then sentences are like bites of the cake. If an entire slice of cake(paragraph) is one bite(sentence), it's hard for the eater(reader) to handle.
-While strong language can be good in some instances, it's usually best to just limit it to the dialogue and not to the narration, because it doesn't really add anything to the story and can be seen as laziness on the writer's part. It can also offend some people, and if it's not necessary (and it rarely is), then it's generally best to just leave it out altogether.
-Instead of swearing, you could give some examples. If you wanted to say "I was scared ----less, then you could say "I was so scared that I was shaking and my face was turning white" or something like that to help be more precise
-Tell it more like you would a story that you would publish, not really just explaining it to friends. You have the advantage of more time and editing, and you should maximize on that so that you can express yourself the best way. This felt more like a blog than a short story, but if you were to tell this story as if it were an experience that you were telling about, not something that had happened to you(although you could mention that it was based on a true story), it would sound more professional
-Grammar is more important than you think. It can be a real turn-off to read a story that has noticeably bad grammar- if the author didn't put a lot of time and thought into writing the story, why should you spend your time reading it? Professionally, I can guarantee you that you will never get a book published if you send it to a publisher with poor grammar.
That's all I have for you today! Hopefully this was helpful, and if you need anything, you can let me know by private message or any other way you can think of. I'd be happy to work more with you on this story if some of my points need clarification, so don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything!
This was a huge help thank you im working on improving this. but will contact you if i need help.