Young Writers Society

E - Everyone Violence

Jesper Gone.

by AsherIsAnon

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar

Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:30 pm
Daniyalbadsha says...

This is beautiful

User avatar
760 Reviews

Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:30 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...

Heyo, here for my review of the day for Team Tortoise :)

First thing I want to mention before I get to the main review is that I'm unsure how this is really a script. The closest fit I can see for it is maybe poetry, but we do also have an "Other" category that might also work. I'm going to try and treat this independent of genre, but it might be a bit tricky.

This is quite hard to follow because of the lack of punctuation and the long sentences. Without full stops or commas to break it up it's difficult to understand how the clauses relate to each other and I end up thinking about how the sentence is meant to work more than the actual content. This just makes it harder to engage with your work.

You were pretty subtle at telling me that this is about batman and the joker so I know that this is the joker coming onto Batman. I also know that he is currently being attacked by batman but hey, what else is new. Thing is, other than that I don't have much context for the situation. This could be a really interesting story if it was done in full. Kind of like Doctor Who with The Doctor and The Master and the way the tension sometimes goes with them. It could be fun.

But it's very difficult for me to be engaged in that when I'm only given a little snapshot of the situation. I don't even get to see batman's reaction so I don't know the current state of the connection between them.

Overall, an interesting idea that could do with being expanded on.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

User avatar
559 Reviews

Points: 31117
Reviews: 559

Thu Jul 13, 2017 9:39 pm
Atticus wrote a review...

Hey there! MJ back again to offer my humble advice on this "script".

First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head, I wanted to mention that this is a pretty unusual way of posting a short story. Obviously, normally people just write, but this way provides a bit less than I think you would want to put up. I'm going to just correct it as I go along.

The lab is gone the toxin is neutralized the danger is gone but it is just like the bees and the plants you cannot get rid of the plants until you get rid of the bees. "We are meant to be" said the joker soaked in rain as he looks the bat deep in his eyes not caring about the iron rod sticking out of his gut blood gushes out of the Jesper's mouth but he still manages to look bat in the eye with a smile on his face and utter "We were meant to be"

For the beginning sentence, it should be "The lab is gone, the toxin is neutralized; the danger is gone." Your analogy was pretty weak, since you could get rid of bees by just killing them. I would replace that analogy with an example of mutual dependency, a Minecraft example being "You cannot kill the Ender dragon without first destroying the pillar-thingies."

The second sentence should read "We are meant to be," said the joker, soaked in rain, as he looks the bat deep in his eyes, ignoring the iron rod sticking out of his gut. Blood gushes out of the Joker's mouth, but he still manages to look bat in the eye with a smile on his face and utter "We were meant to be."

That's all I have for this one, since it was only 3 sentences. Instagram screenshots, I suppose, are allowed, but it is a pretty unusual way to post a short story. I would like to reiterate that posting works isn't really for putting up your thoughts or blog posts, but rather for sharing stories, poetry, or novels so that you can receive constructive feedback from the community. If you just want to post blogs and little tidbits like this, generally your wall is the best place to go. Just so you're aware.

Best wishes,

AsherIsAnon says...

Damn sorry man I'll remove this

Atticus says...

It's not a problem if you keep it up, just letting you know what/where we put things :)

When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate