Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
My son, Abraham is a cute little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes he is 2 years old and still has a lot to learn but i am patient because i will be there when he needs help. See the thing is no one was there when i needed help so i want to be everything that a father should be i promis im responsible and i do all my chores. When daddy and mommy used to fight i used to stay quiet because it would always sting if i say something, Daddy said that i was a mistake and that i should kill myself i guess i should've now that i think about it isn't that why he locked me up in the basement?. I never really used to mind anything that he did to mommy because she was mean to me too i used to hate her but i couldn't tell her because she was my mother, it's sad that i couldn't speak up back then.
See abraham this is why i drift off to dwell in the past whenever i look at you i just wanna kill you because you remind me of...... me but i can't not really i went through so much trouble to get you, why would i hurt you? silly me anyways My mom wasn't a really god mom she had all kinds of men coming in and playing catch with her but i wasn't allowed to play but i think they cheated because it always sounded like she was hurt i wanted to help her i really did i even went out of my room to help her but she started hitting me with a belt what did i do wrong Abe?. My dad used to drink a lotit is bad for you you shouldn't drink but he did and when he did he used to come home angry and i remember this one time he came in my room and started touching me i didn't like that remember when i said i didn't really mind anything that he did well i dont like this and i told him to stop but started saying a lot of no-no words i guess i must've done something wrong again.
Abe those bad people touched you with their dirty hands but i took you away from them see i am your father and i will always love you like my dad never did this one time i was sick and couldn't go to school i should've but i didn't he made me stand in the rain all night wet wet wet everywhere hmmm all i remember from that day is that i was in a hospital thats the next thing i know.
Abe i think im in trouble when i took you away from those people they said they would cal the blue men would they really do that?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,321 Literary Works • 673,092 Reviews
Wow, sad piece. But there are some nitpicks.
Also I'm very confused about the ending and feel it was very rushed, other than that, it's good. 
Like everyone else said please capitalize all of the "i's."
Don't forget to add commas as well.
"My son, Abraham is a cute little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes he is 2 years old."
Add a comma after "blond hair and blue eyes."
"promis" is spelled "promise."
There are a lot of typos, missing commas, periods, (etc) in here so, please go back and edit it. If you do that then it would be all good
-Laurenlovely<3
My son, Abraham is a cute little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes he is 2 years ..
(Place a full stop in between the eyes and he.
Please to capitalize all your I's
'Promis' should have an 'e' at the end.
This is a very sad storyyyy.
Hello, AsherIsAnon! Gxldencrxwns here to leave you a review and a welcome to YWS! You asked me for a review for this piece, so that's what I'm gonna do!
My son, Abraham is a cute little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes he is 2 years old and still has a lot to learn but i am patient because i will be there when he needs help. See the thing is no one was there when i needed help so i want to be everything that a father should be i promis im responsible and i do all my chores. When daddy and mommy used to fight i used to stay quiet because it would always sting if i say something, Daddy said that i was a mistake and that i should kill myself i guess i should've now that i think about it isn't that why he locked me up in the basement?. I never really used to mind anything that he did to mommy because she was mean to me too i used to hate her but i couldn't tell her because she was my mother, it's sad that i couldn't speak up back then.
^ Okay, I'll review this sentence by sentence:
1st Sentence - Put a period after blue eyes.
2nd Sentence - Capitalize he, comma after learn, and capitalize the two Is.
3rd Sentence - New paragraph, comma after see, capitalize the I, comma after help, period after be.
4th Sentence - Capitalize I, promise*, I'm*, capitalize I,
5th Sentence - New paragraph, comma after fight, capitalize I, comma after quiet, period after something.
6th Sentence - Capitalize I, period after myself.
7th Sentence - Capitalize I, comma after it.
8th Sentence - Period after too.
9th Sentence - Capitalize I.
Now, I won't review the rest of this story, mainly because I don't have the time, and I think you get the point. You have a good story line, but it's pretty rough at the moment. There were run on sentences, punctuation mistakes, and so on and so forth. If you fixed the mistakes noted by the reviewers, this work will improve greatly.
Keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns
Haha yeah I didn't want to go through all that in my review
Hey there AsherisAnon! Thanks for sharing your work on YWS!
Like whatcha, I agree that it is a bit awkward to switch from talking Abe to talking to him. Another thing that really stuck out to me was the lack of puncuatiom. I get that this type of piece might not follow all of the traditional punctuation rules, but you have so little that it was hard to follow at many points. It all reads like a gigantic ramble. The lines that you want to stick out end up not sticking out due to lack of puncuation.
Right now reading this piece, I'm struggling to imagine everything. The images are only wisps of something, not yet fully in existence. Detailed imagery would really add to the piece and help people connect with your narrator and what they are feeling.
I also feel as though you jump around a bit too much. You go from flashback to flashback ad I am missing the connection between all of them or the significance of them in relation to the story. I know they all fall under the realm of abuse and that is why the narrator is having struggles with his son, but I don't feel like the flashbacks don't hold any weight yet.
Also, read it aloud to catch any awkward wording and maybe to help with puncuation. Also, scan it for spelling and capitalization errors too.
This story deals with an important topic that many people struggle with today. I hope that the narrator can come out more as a unique individual. I'd like to get to know the narrator as an individual with a unique set of flaws and struggles. I don't feel like I know them quite yet.
This piece could go in a lot of different directions; I'm excited to see where you take it! I'll look out for Pt. 2!
Have a nice day!
~iamanaspiringwriter
Hi!
whatcha here for a half-review.
One thing I noticed was you didn't capitalize your 'I's, as in 'I said'.
Also, when you finish a sentence with '?' you don't need to add '.' after it.
It's a bit of a weird way of writing, as though the person is talking first about Abe and then to Abe. I might suggest changing it to the normal first person, but I guess that's up to you.
I would also add a bit more description, if possible.
Keep writing!
~whatcha
gonna leave me hanging like that?
Sorry, my computer glitched. I fixed it