Young Writers Society

This is beautiful

Heyo, here for my review of the day for Team Tortoise

First thing I want to mention before I get to the main review is that I'm unsure how this is really a script. The closest fit I can see for it is maybe poetry, but we do also have an "Other" category that might also work. I'm going to try and treat this independent of genre, but it might be a bit tricky.

This is quite hard to follow because of the lack of punctuation and the long sentences. Without full stops or commas to break it up it's difficult to understand how the clauses relate to each other and I end up thinking about how the sentence is meant to work more than the actual content. This just makes it harder to engage with your work.

You were pretty subtle at telling me that this is about batman and the joker so I know that this is the joker coming onto Batman. I also know that he is currently being attacked by batman but hey, what else is new. Thing is, other than that I don't have much context for the situation. This could be a really interesting story if it was done in full. Kind of like Doctor Who with The Doctor and The Master and the way the tension sometimes goes with them. It could be fun.

But it's very difficult for me to be engaged in that when I'm only given a little snapshot of the situation. I don't even get to see batman's reaction so I don't know the current state of the connection between them.

Overall, an interesting idea that could do with being expanded on.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits

Hey there! MJ back again to offer my humble advice on this "script".

First things first I'ma say all the words inside my head, I wanted to mention that this is a pretty unusual way of posting a short story. Obviously, normally people just write, but this way provides a bit less than I think you would want to put up. I'm going to just correct it as I go along.

The lab is gone the toxin is neutralized the danger is gone but it is just like the bees and the plants you cannot get rid of the plants until you get rid of the bees. "We are meant to be" said the joker soaked in rain as he looks the bat deep in his eyes not caring about the iron rod sticking out of his gut blood gushes out of the Jesper's mouth but he still manages to look bat in the eye with a smile on his face and utter "We were meant to be"