That girl is a heart breaker,
I'm saying this because once upon a time I loved her.
She cheered me up, we were good friends,
We always kept up with the latest trends.
The question in mind, 'What happened then?'
I said, " I'll never talk to you again."
She said, "Friendship with you was a pain,
Your attitude drove me insane."
I said, "Do you really mean this?"
She said, "Leave me alone please."
Like this, she walked away,
Leaving me with nothing to say.
She broke my heart,
For her my world fell apart,
She stopped my dreams from coming true,
But still I'd say, "I hope you're okay because I love you."
My other friends say, "No matter what, best friends always love each other,"
But I say, "She's different, you'll never know her."
She doesn't know how much I loved her,
She doesn't know how much I cared for her,
The most painful love there is, is the love left unshown,
A love that cannot be expressed, affection left unknown.
Loads of thanks for giving me your time and reading this poem. Please let me know for improvement, and I would simply love to know your opinions. --Ash. :D
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Hi! Your comment didn't go unnoticed
I love writing lyrics, but I honestly don't know that much about poetry. So sorry in advance if this is a totally un-helpful review!
I like the overall topic. I think writing can be so darn cathartic and it's clear that this was written out of the hurt that comes from losing a really good friend. We've all been there and it sucks. I think overall you've done a nice job with the story here, how you were friends, she ended the friendship, and you still care about her. I think where you could expand or improve is on the emotional aspect of this piece.
Great opener.
The second line feels like it's there just because it rhymes with the first line. I don't know, it doesn't do much for me.
I think it could be a little more powerful if you spoke more about what exactly ended the friendship. Why aren't you going to talk to her again? Why does she think being friends with you is a pain? What happened?
Only two lines that don't rhyme. Feels weird.
Like this? Like what? What is this?
This line didn't make sense to me.
How?
I like this cause I totally have been there before.
Really liked this too.
Again, not a poetry expert by any means, but I would like more of the story here. I just want to know more. But as it's your heart and your experience and your poem, it's your call
Let me know if you have any questions or if something didn't make sense!!
-Carly
-forgot to say it was a review and I can't figure out how to change it or delete this post, so just see my real review. Sorry about that!-
Friendship is an important thing as long as it is with the people you were truly close to and people like that would never understand the love that one person has in their heart. This poem makes my heart bleed for all the people who would went through the same problem.
I enjoyed your story. It was filled with so much emotion that it almost brought me to tears...well, almost. I hope to read more like this, someday.
Thanks, it means a lot to me. Well, I made many people in my school read this and two of them actually cried. Including you, three.
Hi.
This is cute and simple. However, I think that you need to work more on the beginning.
The second line bothers me a bit. The "once upon a time" makes it a little bit cliche, and that can give the reader the impression that they're reading something predictable. So I'd work on that line.
Suggestion: work on your imagery. Your poem is telling a lot, but is showing very little. Describe more. That will make it more catchy and entertaining.
Good job, though.
-Valo
Thanks for your recommendations. I'll try to make it better.
I really like your poem Ash! There is a lot of feeling behind it, and it manages to bring up memories of mine, memories of long lost friends :p "She broke my heart, for her my world fell apart," I really love this, it describes the feeling you get when the one you love leaves. It's a sad poem, but brilliant none the less. Another part that I loved was "The most painful love there is, is the love left unshown, A love that cannot be expressed, affection left unknown." I think the truth behind it is what made me enjoy this part more than others, because having a hidden love is the hardest love to feel. Great job with the rhyming scheme as well, it was truly magnificent. Keep on writing AshStyles22, you're great at it! c:
-Vinnie
Thank you! I'm new over here, so it's really encouraging to get such wonderful comments.