Just a Little Bit Longer

As soon as I bite into the food, my eyes light up.

The savory taste fills my mouth, making my ears ring and my senses sing out in joy (especially taste!). This is the ambrosia of the mortals--the food of the gods.

How is it possible to make something even remotely this good? I mean, this is the best food I've ever tasted in my life. I don't know who invented it, but they were the genius of the century. I take another bite and smile contentedly as it melts in my mouth.

That's when I realize I'm done.

I wait for a long time, gazing longingly at the bucket full of this amazing treat. Don't do it, I tell myself. Still I know that I am slowly inching towards it.

I wait even longer, forcing myself to bear it. Finally, a full five minutes has passed, and I can't help myself anymore. I walk over to the bucket and take out another. Ever since my friend introduced me to it, I've eaten it every few minutes.

"I told you it was good," my friend grins. I nod, too overwhelmed by the taste to speak. "What do you think? You weren't allowed to have it before, were you?"

I shake my head, still thinking about the wonderful taste.

"It's a shame you've never tried it before..."

I quickly finish and sigh. That was my tenth so far.

"How many more are you going to have, Elisia?"

Shrugging, I look at the bucket again. Wait longer. Longer. Come on!

I think the manufacturer of it should get an award. I mean, to make such a delicious snack like that, what else would be rewarding enough? I mean, other than a few thousand of his own products. This is just too good to resist.

"It's been three minutes, Elisia," my friend notifies me, glancing at her watch. She looks at me askance. "Are you going to get another?"

I nod. "I've waited too long."

She laughs, shaking her head. "Elisia, I can see why your parents never allowed you to have chocolate before."

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Points: 19607
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Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:31 am

Sujana wrote a review...

Huh. I thought she was talking about chicken. "But chicken is yucky, dear reader" DON'T JUDGE ME AND MY LIKING TOWARDS CHICKEN, THEY DESERVE MORE LOVE.

Overall, I think this is more of an exercise in how good a writer is than it is a story (if that makes sense). I mean, if you can make something as overwhelmingly simple as someone eating chocolate suspenseful and literary, anything is possible.

Some highlights:

-"I walk over to the bucket and take out another" Okay, this is what made me think of chicken. I mean, wouldn't it make sense if she was picking out chicken from a bucket rather than chocolate? I don't know, maybe that's just me but it irked me.

-Also, why hasn't Elisia ever eaten chocolate? Are her parents conspiracy theorists who believe that everything created by the evil corporations will poison their children, and therefore grow their own food? I suppose we will never know.

-" That's when I realize I'm done." This was weird. Could you possibly say 'done eating' or something of the sort? Just a peeve of mine, but you know.

Anyway, great job. Props to you. Also, Happy Review Day.

Signing out--EM.

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Wed Jan 20, 2016 11:14 pm

ErikaHale says...

I have read millions of short stories in my life, and I've never stumbled upon something so engaging. And to think that is about something as simple as chocolate! Artemis, you made a masterpiece out of milk, sugar and cacao beans. Well done.

erilea says...

You've read the Spy School series too? OMG

ErikaHale says...

I'm afraid I haven't. But I'll be sure to check them out some time

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Tue Jan 19, 2016 6:54 pm

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StupidSoup says...

Okay well that's nice. I like the story, good setup.

Great job bud

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Mon Jan 18, 2016 8:42 am

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Wolfi wrote a review...

A short story about a girl tasting chocolate for the first time. And trying to pace herself. Well, YWS offers just about everything, doesn't it?

Initially, with the mention of ambrosia, I supposed this was a Percy Jackson fanfiction or some other Greek-inspired tale. Coming from you, Art, that wouldn't have surprised me at all! But look at this! You've woven a clever little tale - a very simple one, but unique in its subject - about the wonders of chocolate. Most of us today are so used to chocolate by now that it just tastes, well... good. Not exactly dessert fit for the gods like our MC thinks here. With her genuine surprise and adoration of this little thing called chocolate, you've developed a nice little theme about appreciation. I'll bet you that next time I taste chocolate I'll remember this girl and truly appreciate chocolate's amazingness.

I'm not going to tell you that this story needs to be longer. It doesn't. It's quite abrupt, but as my dear friend AstralHunter says, "brevity is golden." So while this doesn't need to be longer - the progression of the plot is perfect for a short story - it could use a tiiiiny but more development in some areas. Just to make it seem more real, with more depth.

"You weren't allowed to have it before, were you?"

Why in heavens not? Are her parents dentists, like Willa Wonka's, or do they think she's a dog? It won't take much to answer in the dialogue and as a result develop the background drastically. All Elisia (love that name by the way) has to reply with is something along the lines of, "Nope. That's what having a pair of dentists as parents is like."

In any case, this is an adorable little story and if you decide to change nothing at all in the end it'll still be perfect.