There are guns,knives, and grenades,but words are some of the worst weapons of all. So we must build our defenses, walls around our hearts and minds, force fields for the soul, in this auditorial war.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
This poem is so good.
It is so true as well. I love how you incorporated modern day stuff that is a big problem in the world. When I saw the title I was thinking this poem would be about a fight or something like that, then I saw this. I was so shocked by the shortness however it was really good.
I love how the poem is structured, it is not like and poem where it has just a couple of words on a line then the same again, yours is something different.
I don't really have any negatives about this poem other than it was really good.
At this moment I am trying to type really quietly as I have managed to get my little niece
to sleep which is the first time so yeah.
Glad you liked it. Good luck with your niece!
Poems can be just as u described earlier.In two minutes you have poured your heart out. it is great and although you have given your topic, I will love you to pay more attention to topic as they communicate messages also..I love your poem notwithstanding. I didn't overlook your figures of speech. They are just amazing
Glad you liked it <3
Hey Arianna,
This article might help you with the YWS formatting/line breaks (Formatting poetry #3 ).
I like the metaphor of the soul, mind, and hearts being something that must be physically protected against others - like in a war, and then "words" being a weapon is always an interesting concept as well - especially in the context of a poem.
I'd love to see you develop these metaphors a bit more though. Why must we build up our defenses? And what do you mean be walls?
I've heard these metaphors before, so a good way to make them new is to dig deeper into them - and expanding on the specificity of your writing.
That being said, I like the language you used in the poem, and I liked that you kept it all focused on a central theme, my biggest critique is I wanted it to go further and explore deeper - I think as a reader that would help me connect more to the piece and the speaker.
Good luck in your future writing,
~alliyah
Hello AriannaC!
I get your concept here, I have also written a poem about the power words have, so your little tidbit here drew me in. There is definitely a merit to writing short, well detailed poems; but sometimes shorter is not better. With the ideas you have here, you could go a lot further-and that's the thing. it feels like you jotted down thoughts and ideas to progress into something bigger, but then just didn't. Now, onto reviewing what you do have
First of all, when you use a comma, there should be a space after it before the next word. You've run all the words in your entire first sentence into each other.
You need a space after each comma,
Next, your first sentence is quite janky, i would suggest editing your format so that it looks more like
There are guns, knives, and grenades
But words are some of the worst weapons of all.
So we must build our defences
Walls around our hearts and minds
Force fields for the soul
in this auditorial war
Next off, you've got a couple of typos. "Defences" is spelled with an s, it should be defenses.
Your use of 'auditorial' confuses me. I assume you meant it as in something along the lines of "war of audio-oriented ammo," but I don't think the word means what you think it means. An auditorial is an audio editorial used by journalists to satirize a phrase, speech or statement through an audio recording of the phrase, speech of statement.
I know you wrote this in a brief time, but remember that though quantity doesn't directly reflect quality, but if you use few words you need to make sure you use them right.
This review might have felt discouraging, but I don't mean it to be! I love your concept here and hope to see you develop it into an even better work in the future
Best of luck and keep on writing,
Autopilot
I did spell defenses with an S and it wouldnt let me write it in that format
Oh! I apologize, I must have misread that!
As for the formatting issue, did you write and submit it on a phone? Because sometimes the site glitches when you do, and it would let you make each verse on a new line
won't*
Hi there AriannaC! Niteowl here to leave a quick review on this short piece.
I understand that you wrote this pretty quickly from the description, but I think there's potential here if you have more time to develop it. The second line has some interesting phrases like "force fields for the soul" and "auditorial war". The war metaphor could lend itself to a lot of interesting descriptions and metaphors if you expanded upon it.
That said, the first line isn't the strongest start. The idea of words as deadly weapons is pretty commonplace. However, the reference to specific weapons opens up some interesting possibilities. Guns, knives, and grenades are all deadly but in different ways and in different contexts. For example, a knife attack is close range, like a personal insult, while a grenade is wide-ranging and indiscriminate, like someone making a generalization like "All people who are X are evil" without thinking about how hurtful that could be.
Overall, this is an interesting little nugget, but it doesn't feel like a complete piece. There's a lot of possibilities for expansion and making something compelling out of the basic idea of words as weapons. Keep writing!