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roads run through you

by Arcticus

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470 Reviews

Points: 887
Reviews: 470

Wed Jan 17, 2018 12:58 pm
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Wisteria wrote a review...

Yo Arc, let's try and knock this poem out of the GR eh? So I must admit that it feels a bit weird reviewing your poetry, I think this is my first time doing it and feeling somewhat under qualified too, but we'll see how it goes.

I've really quite enjoyed your series of poems based off paintings, it's slightly different to the voice you have when you're writing poems by itself. It's more lyrical, softer I suppose. The imagery in this poem is lovely, the words themselves seem to flow like the winding roads where one thought ends just as another begins.

I think my favourite line is just,

no cartography
can map this - you're a piece of infinity

there is something achingly sweet in those two lines, well done for capturing adoration so neatly and succinctly.

The first half of this poem, from
'roads run through you'
'you're a piece of infinity'
I have no problem with. Perhaps
'deep in your soul's marrow'
is a bit too cliche for someone of your skill level, but it fits with the poem. Yet, the latter half of the poem feels a bit looser, the lines seem somewhat more distant and less tightly knitted to each other. The parenthesis feels out of place here, what does the mirror and eternity's supposed reflection bring to the poem? How does it tie to the first or latter half of the poem? It doesn't really, I could be wrong but even if we were to nix that line I don't think the poem's overall meaning or mood would change much. But, I'm half guessing that the parenthesis there is to break up the flow and perhaps bridge the gap between 'infinity' and 'barely charted'. I think if you were to continue to explore that concept of eternity gazing at itself, and its subsequent meanings and how it might lead to the latter half of your poem. It'd feel less out of place and more within the flow of the poem.

lifebreath! Hell yeah, I love neologisms. Or portmanteaus, both.

So, the lines are all lovely. I love the idea of 'an untamed heartbeat', horses running wild, yes. Passion, ardour galloping across the plains, so why not link it back to the roads. Just a slight hook so that the second half echoes the first in a thematic way. I'm also wondering about the placement of your last two lines, why did you choose to put it last? Because those two lines hint at so much, what is the methods or rather, how is the method demonstrated within the poems? It seems to point at the four lines above it, and the madness too. And I'm wondering whether it'd be more supported if you were to place it at the start as opposed to the end.

But I can also understand why you have it as your last two lines, it's a powerful finale. Something for the reader to take away and ponder, a lingering aftertaste and an apt finish to such a poem.

And that brings me to the end of my review, I hope I helped in some way or another. If you've got any questions or comments, feel free to message or just comment. Keep writing Arc. :D


Arcticus says...

No you're right, I have mixed feelings about the parentheses part too. I think I did it because it was a quote, a reference and not my line. But it hasn't quite worked well, I see.

Thanks for the lovely review!

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Points: 50
Reviews: 4

Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:03 pm
TessAchtermann says...

This is so powerful and beautiful. Good job!!!

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Points: 875
Reviews: 24

Fri Jan 12, 2018 8:56 pm
shusher wrote a review...

1) background looks like Dark Siders.
2) life breath, why one word?
3) I'm guessing this is talking about blood flow within the body, the roads being veins, and marrow being the explicit piece.
Anyways, it was pretty interesting. I don't get the part about infinity/eternity, and I'm lost at the mirror. I'm guessing that's the 2nd beat in a given heartbeat? I don't know.

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust