Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Spiritual


roads run through you

by Arcticus



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
223 Reviews


Points: 5366
Reviews: 223

Donate
Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:57 pm
View Likes
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...



Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.

I enjoyed the interesting backdrop, making the meaning a little bit easier to come across. However, I will not be talking about meaning very much in today's review. Today I am going to be writing about your wording itself and why it works so well in this poem's case.

Linking something your body has with something your soul has is a very unique technique that not a lot of people do. You use the term 'marrow' to describe the inside of the bones of your soul. You use the roads as an example of paths shooting through you, while stating that these paths are unable to be charted and that only you can follow what you think is your destiny, and only you know what you want. As Lao Tzu once said, "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” Your poem was extravagant and I could not write a better piece in one thousand years.

That's all for today. Keep writing amazing literature that inspires me to read and review them, and have a great Review Day! Let's beat the Blues once and for all!

~ZeldaIsShiek




User avatar
472 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 472

Donate
Wed Jan 17, 2018 12:58 pm
View Likes
Wisteria wrote a review...



Yo Arc, let's try and knock this poem out of the GR eh? So I must admit that it feels a bit weird reviewing your poetry, I think this is my first time doing it and feeling somewhat under qualified too, but we'll see how it goes.

I've really quite enjoyed your series of poems based off paintings, it's slightly different to the voice you have when you're writing poems by itself. It's more lyrical, softer I suppose. The imagery in this poem is lovely, the words themselves seem to flow like the winding roads where one thought ends just as another begins.

I think my favourite line is just,

no cartography
can map this - you're a piece of infinity

there is something achingly sweet in those two lines, well done for capturing adoration so neatly and succinctly.

The first half of this poem, from
'roads run through you'
to
'you're a piece of infinity'
I have no problem with. Perhaps
'deep in your soul's marrow'
is a bit too cliche for someone of your skill level, but it fits with the poem. Yet, the latter half of the poem feels a bit looser, the lines seem somewhat more distant and less tightly knitted to each other. The parenthesis feels out of place here, what does the mirror and eternity's supposed reflection bring to the poem? How does it tie to the first or latter half of the poem? It doesn't really, I could be wrong but even if we were to nix that line I don't think the poem's overall meaning or mood would change much. But, I'm half guessing that the parenthesis there is to break up the flow and perhaps bridge the gap between 'infinity' and 'barely charted'. I think if you were to continue to explore that concept of eternity gazing at itself, and its subsequent meanings and how it might lead to the latter half of your poem. It'd feel less out of place and more within the flow of the poem.

lifebreath! Hell yeah, I love neologisms. Or portmanteaus, both.

So, the lines are all lovely. I love the idea of 'an untamed heartbeat', horses running wild, yes. Passion, ardour galloping across the plains, so why not link it back to the roads. Just a slight hook so that the second half echoes the first in a thematic way. I'm also wondering about the placement of your last two lines, why did you choose to put it last? Because those two lines hint at so much, what is the methods or rather, how is the method demonstrated within the poems? It seems to point at the four lines above it, and the madness too. And I'm wondering whether it'd be more supported if you were to place it at the start as opposed to the end.

But I can also understand why you have it as your last two lines, it's a powerful finale. Something for the reader to take away and ponder, a lingering aftertaste and an apt finish to such a poem.

And that brings me to the end of my review, I hope I helped in some way or another. If you've got any questions or comments, feel free to message or just comment. Keep writing Arc. :D

-Wis




Arcticus says...


No you're right, I have mixed feelings about the parentheses part too. I think I did it because it was a quote, a reference and not my line. But it hasn't quite worked well, I see.

Thanks for the lovely review!



User avatar


Points: 250
Reviews: 4

Donate
Sun Jan 14, 2018 5:03 pm
TessAchtermann says...



This is so powerful and beautiful. Good job!!!




Random avatar

Points: 1277
Reviews: 30

Donate
Fri Jan 12, 2018 8:56 pm
shusher wrote a review...



1) background looks like Dark Siders.
2) life breath, why one word?
3) I'm guessing this is talking about blood flow within the body, the roads being veins, and marrow being the explicit piece.
Anyways, it was pretty interesting. I don't get the part about infinity/eternity, and I'm lost at the mirror. I'm guessing that's the 2nd beat in a given heartbeat? I don't know.





cron
Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson