Does this thought ever cross your mind
That you’re not totally straight
But contain in yourself
A pint of honey and sunshine
I was probably 10, when I first wanted to hold hands of a guy friend of mine
12, I wanted to stay in boys’ locker room a little longer
13, I felt an urge to know who I am
So, I caught hold of a dictionary
Flipped its pages
And found a word called GAY
Gay, a noun
Spelt G, A, Y
Meaning , an incurable illness that the society spits upon
Synonyms, Faggot, Hijra, Filth
Eg. Children should not play with John, he is gay.
And in tiny letters at the end of the dictionary it was written
“Rights of this dictionary owned by a corporation called THE SOCIETY.”
I first thought to express this to my dad and mom
But, an illness
What if they take me to a doctor
What if the doctor bleeds me to death
I was 13, and it freaked the hell out of me.
So I lied
Lied to myself
Hid myself in the closet
And made friends with darkness
But in a bleak corner of the closet, I kept writing poems
Love poems with misplaced pronouns
Replacing boy with girl
Him by her
Time went by, and
With each passing time
Pain and agony started oozing out
And one day I decided to come out
Not because somebody gave me a pep talk
Neither unicorns came knocking on my door, but
Simply because I started feeling too claustrophobic in my congested closet
The cozy space between the hanger that hung my favourite baby pink sweater and the hanger
That hung my darkest poems got flooded with my own tears.
So, I came out
I came out, dressed in rainbows
Bitch, it was time to see the sunlight everybody’s been raving about!
But when I saw the sunlight
I saw myself
I saw that my sexuality isn’t the most important thing about me
I saw that I was gay
Which simply meant that I was happy
And I was proud of every inch of who I was
I was never born to be silent
I was born to be gay.
One fine day
I met him
I was in a bookstore
You know ! the perks of living in a closet for years!
I was in a bookstore
Carrying the selected books to counter
When we collided
And the books slipped
My heart slipped too
I sat down to lift them
And he held my hand
Holding hands, looking into his eyes
I felt warmth, warmth of a thousand suns
Each pouring honey and sunlight over us
Like celestial vessels
Seemed like an eternity passed away
Yet we remained lost into each other’s eyes
It was the first time, I kissed a boy
We went to the back of the bookstore
His hands clutched to the back of my hair
Our bodies so close together
That I could listen to our racing heartbeats
Boy’s lips were sizzling like melting sugar
We met, we kissed, we loved and stayed together.
Until, one day he left
And he left a note too, that read
Loving you is no more legal
Your partner in crime
And I cried
Cried till my lungs got torn
Cried till my soul got ripped
Love is blind, right?
And hence knows no gender
Why does our breath chokes your existence? Why?
Why is our love unnatural and our desires carnal? Why?
Why are we an infectious illness?
I ask you, why?
Do you know what!
Because I don’t care
I am gay, and it doesn’t mean I am a slut and your opinion doesn’t matter
I am gay and I know my mother and God forged me from the first sunrise, I manifest moons when I speak
I am gay and I know everyday is a tightrope strangling around the neck, I know my dad doesn’t hug me as tight as he hugs my brother
I am gay and I had the best boyfriend ever
People ask me these questions
Is your pee-pee too tiny?
Do you have like half-baked organs?
Do you feel sad that you’re God’s mistake?
I do feel sad that God made us imperfect
Cursed us with bodily defects
Because he gave us ears to listen to what you say
And a heart to cry upon
Is it too much to ask, the Right to Love?
You call us gay, but ask yourself, are we really?
You see before every rainbow there’s a heavy rainy day
And that’s the tragedy of my life, being a sad gay!