While Stairways to Paradise are many, None is as Sinister as you..

Yo Shashi Tharoor lemme get my dictionary before I start reading this lel

one grammatical error (I might be wrong)

none *are as sinister as you (http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blo ... -or-plural )

1. I enjoyed the continuity of ideas via the repetition of imagery (of the woman being a drop of heaven). The build up especially to the "A drop of you is spilled." As a reader I did not see those specific preceding lines leading to that exact imagery. As someone who watches stand up comedy more than he reads poetry I would like to give the analogy of closing the joke you made at the beginning of your set where the audience already thought you had moved on to the next one, then suddenly referencing it, extending it and bringing the rest of the act into one whole thing. That is a smart and tough thing to do correctly as an artist, because the readers/audience feel rewarded.


2.Other than that, there was generously grandiose phrasing, which fit the general tone of the poem which could be tritely hyperbolic if not treated right even within the loose bounds of poetic license. You narrowly missed crossing that line in one or two places, but that is very much dependent on personal preference.
(cliches like "stabbed hearts" "red lips", "heart strings" etc.)

3.A few unnecessary words could have been removed (like the 'shall' in the second last line. I felt that removing that and the line break following it would round the whole thing off better imo) but that's not a fault in itself.

4.Talking about the over-arching theme, although i don't know the proper nomenclature, this is a common theme,
1. with a general feeling of "epicness" about it. Ordinary men (and women) would not find the love of one such. Ordinary women might not move others to write something like this about them. Gives an ethereal feeling, leaves the reader hooked if done right.
2. The danger that is irresistible - again, a recurrent theme, something that adds intrigue to the 'epicness', if the woman weren't sinister for all her heavenliness , this wouldn't be half as
interesting to read.
I recommend reading "The Kingkiller Chronicle" by Patrick Rothfuss because this could've been written by the MC of the book about his love interest and every line would be true.Plus it focusses heavily on both themes that I mentioned

5.The unmetered verse fits your style pretty well. You are also good at giving material noun qualities to abstract nouns, something which beginners (myself included) struggle a lot. So keep doing this as you see fit.
E.G. -
"When long dark nights shall be reeled,
And yarns of memories shall be spun"
"When the flames of the candles,
shall shimmer in shame."

I have some issues with placement of periods and commas at line ends, but that is more dependent.


This feels like an epic love ballad compressed.
I also feel like you *purposely* called it stairways to 'paradise' and not 'heaven' . Can't tell if that's a smart or dumb thing to do.

Well done.

Hello Aranya,

Firstly, I love that this was accompanied by artwork! Did you make this yourself? It is beautiful.

Onto the review!.....

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"And my fingers strolled down your naked body,
Sauntering in a lazy elegance
Of a retreating tide
Or magnificence of an emperor,
Glancing upon the expanse of his empire.

---Is there a reason why you began your poem with the word 'and'? It leads the reader to think that we missed something. I might also reword your fourth line; it reads a bit awkwardly. Perhaps 'or the magnificence of an emperor'?

"They say,
The older the wine gets, the richer it becomes,
Both in taste and toxicity.
Your lips are red as lust.
Every kiss, a drop of heaven.
Countless times I've drowned in them.
Before being saved by another sip of yours.
While stairways to paradise are many,
None is as sinister as you.

---I liked the fourth line here. Also, I feel that maybe lines six and seven could use some work. It sounds like you drown in this person's lips and are then are saved by a sip...of their lips?

"When the moon takes refuge in the arms of cloud,
And the moonlit sweeps, to fade away.
When the tide kisses the bank to depart,
And never comes back the same.
When the pensive leaf abandons the tree,
And solicits solitude and respite.
A drop of you is spilled.
For the world and worldly beings.
To relish the momentary pleasure.
To stifle to lifelessness.

---First line: beautiful! I like your word choices as well.

"When long dark nights shall be reeled,
And yarns of memories shall be spun.
When the strings of hearts shall be plucked to bleed,
And stories shall be served beside the bonfire by young.
Your name shall be taken
By the hearts that were stabbed,
by daggers of love and betrayal.
Your name shall be taken
When the flames of the candles,
shall shimmer in shame.
Your name shall be taken
In whispers
That shall echo
For eternity.

---First two lines: excellent imagery. I am not left with a clear idea of what happened, though. Did this person betray many people, including the speaker?

Nice work!!!! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Write On,
mav


www.mavisknightley.com