Young Writers Society

Hello Aranya!

As you didn't specify what type of review you'd like, I'll just do my typical style of review for you!

First off, welcome to YWS, I'm glad to see new faces, and new poetry faces at that. Onto the review.

I think that the depth of this poem is nice. I can see that you're using the room and the home as a metaphor for the person, but I don't really have the energy right now to go into analytics of that and discover all the secrets. I feel like you only do that in parts of the poem right now because you make it obvious in some parts, and make us assume things in others, like the smoking habit. If that was a part of the personality analysis, then I would have to say that it is the personality habit of downgrading and rejecting the self, which seems to be backed up by a thin sheet of self confidence rather than a wool blanket.

That being said, I think you need to pay a bit closer attention to your connotation when you're writing these types of poems because you had a few words that came off as odd connotations in their situation. Connotation is the social meaning of the word, like house versus home, prison versus jail, water versus essence of life, or racist versus biased. Each of those words carry their own weight due to how society has used them over the generations, and that hasn't changed their literal definition, their denotation, but it does greatly affect their connotation.

The words that I felt had an odd connotation in this poem started with "Quintessence". It seems like you are just using another word for monotonous, but something that's monotonous comes with a connotation of boring and icky because of it, while quintessence has more of a connotation of goodness and wholesome peacefulness. They're very different words for me to hear, and very little else in this poem seems to have the positivity of quintessence.

The next word that really struck me as odd was "clomped." Using the word "clomped" does not imply through connotation that it is silent or unnoticable. Usually something clomps like an elephant, which is hardly discreet.

These two examples are the main ones I found, but there was something else I spotted in the poem which I think you need to look at. I'm pretty sure a lamb doesn't break like what would fit in a suitcase under the bed. A lamp might though.

So, overall, I think you could benefit from changing some of the words to words with better connotations, but the depth of the poem, or rather what the poem is attempting to have as depth is a really good focus for a poet to have. You're using metaphor nicely and I like to see that the same metaphor stretches the whole poem!

Hullo Arayan.

It's been ages since I've reviewed much. But I loved the figurative base for the imagery in this. The idea of "sunshines" -- little sunshines -- gives a ticklish kind of delight. It's child-like, and tweaks the eye. That wonder is the foundation for some of the best poems in the world, I think.

The quirky personification of other things in the poem was also fun, and kept me curious.

That night, I was too fatigued
From the routine mundane job.
I got back home, unbuttoned my shirt,
Changed my pants to pyjamas
And undressed the quintessence
Of my dull monotonous life.

Or pull the curtains .
So I lied down on my bed,
Pulled some linens of self-worth on my body
And rested my head on pillow stuffed with dreams.
Shut down my eyes and slept.

The more mischievous ones trekked deeper inside
To explore the darker territories beneath the bed.
To explore the darker territories beneath my heart.
One of them just stumbled upon a cigarette bud,
While walking through a sea of it.
Just the way I stumbled upon the smoking habit,
Innocent and heedless.

I didn't need to check, if anything was stolen.
What could sunshine steal from a house like mine?

Hey Arayna! I haven't reviewed a poem in a good couple of months, so bear with me if my poem reviewing skills are extremely rusty.

I really like the central metaphor of this. You have some really great lines, some subtle comparisons that twist around in ways you wouldn't expect.

My favorite lines included:

And undressed the quintessence
Of my dull monotonous life.

One of them just stumbled upon a cigarette bud,
While walking through a sea of it.
Just the way I stumbled upon the smoking habit,

This is nearly perfect as a piece of art.
The only thing that irked me was that P.S. is supposed to be at the end lol

Not a review, but I just felt the need to say this - this is such a beautiful and creative piece! Especially loved the last line; it reminded me of the darkest times in my life (which means your poem is so powerful that it brings back memories). I would love to see more of your work!

Happy Writing ~
-Mem