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Kiss of Sunshine

by Aranya


PS : Sunshine has been imagined as little creatures. No children have been harmed in the process. Neither they have been depicted as criminals. It's a poem on my current life situation.

That night, I was too fatigued
From the routine mundane job.
I got back home, unbuttoned my shirt,
Changed my pants to pyjamas
And undressed the quintessence
Of my dull monotonous life.

I was too tired to take the shower,
Or eat something off the fridge,
Or close the window,
Or pull the curtains .
So I lied down on my bed,
Pulled some linens of self-worth on my body
And rested my head on pillow stuffed with dreams.
Shut down my eyes and slept.

While I was deep asleep,
Around sunset,
Some robbers sneaked into my room.
Little sunshine(s) broke into my room.
The little ones came through the window, I had left open.
Small birds are my neighbors.
They live in their cosy nest
On the fifth branch of the local banyan tree.
They are usually awake at that time.
They must have seen them breaking in.
But the conceited neighbours didn't make any noise.
Neither did they wake me up.

The little sunshine(s) spread across the room in a haphazard manner.
They clomped around with their penguin steps, silently and unnoticeably.
And glanced at my stuffs with an uncanny awe.
Jumping one upon each other, they climbed upto my desk.
A bunch of wise priests even started reading the book.
The book I had left open in the hope that one day,
One day when life would grant me one wish to make,
I'd ask for some leisure time
To finish the half-read book.

Some little sunshine(s) scrambled in the dingy corner of my room.
Where piles of disappointment, piles of despair
Along with some piles of dirty laundry were kept.

Few of the more notorious little ones,
Or the more acquisitive ones
Or maybe, it's the same thing,
Marched underneath my bed
Some of them found a treasure chest,
My old suitcase.
They gathered around it
And started shaking.
They loved the noise it made.
The noise of some old books, a broken lamb
And some broken dreams.

The more mischievous ones trekked deeper inside
To explore the darker territories beneath the bed.
To explore the darker territories beneath my heart.
One of them just stumbled upon a cigarette bud,
While walking through a sea of it.
Just the way I stumbled upon the smoking habit,
Innocent and heedless.
Two of them stared with awe at the half burnt picture of my ex.
Some started fighting over the football shoe,
That I had bought, after stealing from my dad's wallet.
The territory was dark and uncharted.

While outside,
Some little sunshine(s) had climbed over the bed,
And were clomping over my legs
And swinging over my hanging arm.
Some audacious little ones came close to my face
Looked at it closely, and then giggled in unison.
I could feel their warm breaths on my face.
Don't know what prompted,
Suddenly one of them planted a kiss on my cheek.

And I woke up.

I didn't need to check, if anything was stolen.
What could sunshine steal from a house like mine?


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Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:52 pm
Poor Imp wrote a review...



Hullo Arayan.

It's been ages since I've reviewed much. But I loved the figurative base for the imagery in this. The idea of "sunshines" -- little sunshines -- gives a ticklish kind of delight. It's child-like, and tweaks the eye. That wonder is the foundation for some of the best poems in the world, I think.

The quirky personification of other things in the poem was also fun, and kept me curious.

That night, I was too fatigued
From the routine mundane job.
I got back home, unbuttoned my shirt,
Changed my pants to pyjamas
And undressed the quintessence
Of my dull monotonous life.


Question: Is the speaker undressing their quintessence? or is this meant to say that they are undressing the monotony, so to leave the full quintessence? If so, you've objects/subjects mixed up. Perhaps: "And undressed into quintessence, shucking off my dull monotonous life."

Or pull the curtains .
So I lied down on my bed,
Pulled some linens of self-worth on my body
And rested my head on pillow stuffed with dreams.
Shut down my eyes and slept.


Keep an eye on the grammar. So I [b]lay./b] down on my bed

This is a challenge throughout the piece. I suggest combing through the whole thing a few times, and making sure a) verb tenses and conjugations are correct and b) that they agree with their subjects.

The more mischievous ones trekked deeper inside
To explore the darker territories beneath the bed.
To explore the darker territories beneath my heart.
One of them just stumbled upon a cigarette bud,
While walking through a sea of it.
Just the way I stumbled upon the smoking habit,
Innocent and heedless.


Again, I love the image of sunshines as mischievous. There's something even a little Miyazaki-esque, fairy-tale-cum-Shinto-folk-spirit in it.

I'd really like you to explore it more in the imagery, though I can't say how you would. That would be up to you.

The juxtaposition of stumbling...and stumbling, is neat.


I didn't need to check, if anything was stolen.
What could sunshine steal from a house like mine?


This doesn't satisfy. What does it mean, "a house like mine"? Is it because sunshine can't steal? or wouldn't steal from a house "like mine"? There's something that feels like a shift in tone and voice in the direct question too, rather than previous indirect image, etc.

Anyhow, I shall close there. Check grammar! but I loved the whimsy, and I think that's your strong foundation -- whimsy and personification. I'd love to see a) the grammar fixed and this draft re-drafted and b) perhaps another deeper version with a) a more regular meter and structure, and
more allusions explorations of the sunshines personified.


Cheers and toodles,

IMP




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Wed Aug 15, 2018 12:09 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Arayna! I haven't reviewed a poem in a good couple of months, so bear with me if my poem reviewing skills are extremely rusty.

I really like the central metaphor of this. You have some really great lines, some subtle comparisons that twist around in ways you wouldn't expect.

My favorite lines included:

And undressed the quintessence
Of my dull monotonous life.


One of them just stumbled upon a cigarette bud,
While walking through a sea of it.
Just the way I stumbled upon the smoking habit,


So, what I love about these lines is how they make unexpected comparisons, or take a literal meaning and turn it into a figurative one (same with the piles of laundry/despair) - they're evocative and interesting

That being said, I also think these lines can be better, and the advice I have about them applies to your poem as a whole. That is: prune and tighten. Distill these great lines down to their essence to make them flow better and be more powerful. I actually wouldn't change much about the undressing line - maybe something more subtle than "dull monotonous" if you wanted, but I think it's fine as-is. But with the smoking line, I think you can remove the middle line altogether. For one, it's not clear what "it" is, and for another, it separates the great comparison with an unimportant detail. Similarly, "just" in the first of the three lines doesn't really add meaning and feels weird because of the repetition of it in the third line.

With the third of those lovely comparisons, the laundry one, it didn't make my list of best lines because it just felt clunky to me. I think you could shorten it a lot and just say something like "Where piles of dirty laundry and despair", as well as using a more interesting verb than "were kept." In general, it's better to put the juxtaposing items as close to each other as possible, and to minimize repetition where stating it once works. You want to draw attention to the contrast more than anything.

So let's expand these thoughts I've said so far into the whole poem. This is a long poem, centered around a great idea and some really excellent imagery that at times feels, sadly, lost among the clutter. I feel like we don't need to hear every single detail of what these sunshines are doing - or, well, looking at it, most of the details do reveal important details about the speaker's life, but I wound up feeling that a lot of them were unnecessarily repetitive or clunky in wording. I'd highly recommend reading it out loud and trying to listen to feel the flow of the poem and where that flow is broken. Even just things like deleting repeated words like "or" and running those sentences together can make it smoother. Similarly, consider your grammar and sentence structure and how it affects the flow of the poem.

Your end goal would be to condense the poem into its most powerful parts, re-writing or pruning anything that isn't quite as evocative as the rest of it. This is hard, I won't lie, but your poem will be really, really good once you've done that. You're already a lot of the way there - as I've said before, I really like a lot of the elements in this.

Alright, I'm running out of time to write this, and I think I've rambled on long enough. :P I hope this made some semblance of sense - if you have any questions or would like me to expand on any of this, just ask! Hopefully this review will be of some help to you. :)




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Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:38 am
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Traves says...



This is nearly perfect as a piece of art.
The only thing that irked me was that P.S. is supposed to be at the end lol




Aranya says...


Thank you Traves!



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Tue Aug 14, 2018 9:25 am
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MemoryHunter says...



Not a review, but I just felt the need to say this - this is such a beautiful and creative piece! Especially loved the last line; it reminded me of the darkest times in my life (which means your poem is so powerful that it brings back memories). I would love to see more of your work!

Happy Writing ~
-Mem




Aranya says...


Thank you MemoryHunter!



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Fri Aug 10, 2018 3:24 am
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Dude. Great job, with nothing more than a few annoyances speckled here and there. This is a very good poem, you just need to iron out a few kinks. I’ll drop in a review soon. But great idea and imagery, it felt very evocative




Aranya says...


I'd waiting for your review :)




The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket