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Dontae's Battle with the Past Chapter 6

I wrote this whole chapter today, and I put a lot of work into it. Any help or comments are really appreciated.

Chapter 6

Veronica was lying on the ground when I raced over to her. Already a pool of blood had formed beneath her. The dagger was still in her chest, and the blue shirt around I was stained with blood. What had I done?
“Will she be alright?” I asked. They could tell I was clearly scared. If she died, it would be on my conscience. What would happen after that? Would I be left alone?
“She is barely clinging on to life. We need to get her to a hospital. We are not certified surgeons, so we can’t do anything without making it worse,” Kevin declared after inspecting the wound.
The dreams I had previously came back to me then. The one of all my friends buried and their statues only thing left and me being absent. Then the one of Veronica dying. Was I the one who was going to destroy them?
“We need to leave now before it gets worse,” James said snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked at him to see he looked stressed. Did he care for her?
“We can’t just walk in and tell them we’re battling monsters. It would just be ludicrous,” Madison explained.
“Then we need to borrow a vehicle. We need to think of a story before we get to the hospital,” I told them. It didn’t matter if we stole a vehicle, since we needed to get Veronica to a hospital. “Margaret, stay here with Madison and you two keep an eye out on Veronica. The rest of us will go get a vehicle and I’ll have Kevin send up a flare.”
“Got it,” she responded nodding. She knelt down by Veronica and then looked up at us. “What are you still doing here? We have it under control.”
I smiled and shook my head. I about faced and started running. Kevin ran beside me on my right while his iPhone looking for the nearest town. I looked left to see no one. I looked behind me to see James with the girls. It took us about five minutes to run out of the forest and to the town we had passed when we escaped from the school.
The town was modern and populated. The streets were filled with people and cars honked as they were stuck in traffic. It reminded me of pictures of how New York looked.
“We need to hurry and find a vehicle in a less populated area,” I said. We didn’t want to be arrested. If we were arrested, they might lock us up, and then Veronica would die. Kevin nodded. It was as if he could read my thoughts.
We ran down an alley between a bar and a day care. That was an odd place to build either of them, but I didn’t have enough time to worry about that. I saw a hospital when we ran out of the alley and knew that was where we had to go.
“Over here!” Kevin shouted. I turned to see him standing beside a white Suburban with the driver’s door opened. I ran over and yanked the passenger door open.
“Get in!” I yelled. We had already wasted ten minutes. Who knew if we were already too late? Kevin jumped in and looked shocked. “What now!”
“There’s no key!” he shouted back. He then gestured to where the key would go in.
“Then hotwire it,” I said. He should know how to hotwire it. Kevin had taken a semester on automobiles when he went to the college on votech. Kevin nodded and began to mess with the wires under the hood and under the steering wheel.
The sound of the suburban starting was like hearing a heavenly song. If Veronica was still alive, then we would make it back to her and get her to the hospital without her dying. Kevin put the Suburban in reverse and backed us out.
“We need to hurry. It’s been fifteen minutes. We should be back in a couple of minutes if you can avoid traffic,” I told Kevin. Kevin threw the Suburban in drive and we sped out of the parking lot. Kevin drove by a pharmacy and a bank before we hit the road that went past the forest. We reached the entrance of the forest where we left from and got out.
Kevin balled up his fists and a fireball formed. He then launched it into the air and it flew high above the tree line where it exploded. The remains of the fireball looked as if a firework had went off. I guess this was supposed to stop any pedestrians from getting too curious. About a minute past before I heard branches snap under footsteps. I ran back to the Suburban and threw open the back doors and the trunk.
I looked back to see Veronica on top of a mini tornado perfectly balanced. The tornado carried her to the Suburban and deposited her on in the trunk where Margaret climbed in and shut the lid. James and Madison climbed in the backseat while Kevin and I go back up front.
“We’re going to that hospital we saw when we got this vehicle from,” I told Kevin who nodded. I then looked at the others when Kevin did a U-Turn and drove us back to the town. “How’s she doing?”
“I’ve got heavy air pressure around the wound to try and keep it from bleeding heavily, but she’s already lost a lot of blood. She’s been coming in and out of consciousness too,” Margaret told me. There was worry in her voice. Was the worst possible thing about to come true?
I turned back in my seat and held my head in my hands. Who was that who took over my body? Why did this have to happen? Many questions flew through my mind and I barely knew the answer to any of them. I closed my eyes and an image of me six years old flashed in my head and I opened my eyes.
We had come to a stop in front of the hospital we saw. I read the name of the hospital, St. Joseph Memorial hospital. The four story high hospital looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned in ages. The trunk of the Suburban flew open and Margaret jumped out. James climbed out of the back seat and picked up Veronica gently. We had our story together.
“Remember the story,” I said. My friends nodded and we ran into the hospital. Veronica was being carried by James and Kevin. James had her by her arms and Kevin had her by her legs. “Help! Our friend was stabbed!”
The nurse that was behind the counter looked up at us. Her name tag said that her name was Nurse Deen. Funny how her first name was actually Nurse. She came over to use wanting to know exactly what had happened so she could explain to the police when they got here.
The thought of the police coming here worried me. We did flee the scene of the crime at the school. We were the only ones missing at the school when the police got there. What if the other kids told them what had happened?
“We had to take her her homework because she was recovering from the flu. A man ran past us, and he was covered in blood. Of course we were worried because he came from the direction of her house. We ran as fast as we could to her house, and her door was wide open.
“We ran inside and she was on the kitchen floor with the knife in her chest. There was a sandwich half-made on the kitchen counter. We got her in the Suburban and drove her here as fast as possible,” Kevin lied to the nurse telling her the false story we had made up. I almost laughed when he added the half-made sandwich.
Nurse Deen looked at him like he was crazy. Would she actually believe our story? It didn’t sound like it had any holes in it. “You poor children,” was her only response. She went back to her desk shaking her head. She then got on the intercom saying that there was a stabbed patient.
The door to the ER flew open and two more nurses rolled out a gurney. They slid to a stop beside us and put Veronica on it, before rolling her back to the ER room.
“If you kids are going to stay, please go to the waiting room,” Nurse Deen told us. She pointed to the right where there were a few empty places on the three couches. I went over and plopped down on it and fell asleep instantly.
I could tell I was going to dream. Usually before I have a dream, I float in a darkness area. This time was no exception. I floated around waiting for the light that would take me to my dream. I floated for what felt like years before the light appeared, and I was brought to my dream.

I looked at myself in the mirror I stood in front of. I had to of been six years old. I had a white button up shirt and jeans. I looked down at my feet to see roller skates and I smiled. I loved my roller skates. I heard someone knocking on the door.
I turned around just as the door opened up. A teenage boy walked in. He wore similar clothes like me, except he had shoes on instead of roller skates. He was about thirteen, but was as knowledgeable as a mature man. I noticed the sword that was sheathed hooked in his belt loop.
“Runi,” I said calmly. I wasn’t bothered by him at all. He was my older brother.
“Father wants to talk to you,” Runi told me. He then turned around and walked out of my room leaving me there confused. Was I in trouble? I hadn’t done anything, did I?
I skated over to my twin size bed and knelt beside it. I dug underneath it till I found the box I was looking for. I slid it out from underneath my bed and lifted the lid off of it. I looked at the sword inside and smiled at the black blade. The brown hilt with gold vine-like lines twirling up it added a few inches to the four foot blade. I threaded the sheathe belt through my jean belt loops and hooked the sheath on it.
Father had told me to never leave my room without it. I was given training for a few months on how to use it, and I was now quite skilled with it. I stood up and balanced on my skates and smiled to myself. A child with a lethal weapon. What kind of father would do that? I skated to the door and it slid open when I stepped in front of it.
The two guards outside my door snapped to attention when it slid open. How I hated having guards outside my room.
“Good evening,” the one to my left said to me. He was a middle-aged man, who was fully clothed in armor. His sword’s sheath was across his back.
“Do not speak to me unless spoken too or there is danger,” I told him sternly I truly despised guards.
“Yes sir!” he stuttered as I skated down the hallway.
“He sure got you,” the other guard said.
“Shut up,” the first guard said. I heart something hit metal, so I thought he just hit the other guard.
“Why don’t you both shut up,” I yelled as I turned the corner. Guards bothered me with how they act so carefree. I then noticed my hand on my sword’s hilt and slowly removed it taking my hands off it. I didn’t want to kill them because they had families.
I skated throughout the empty hallways passing no one. This wasn’t extremely odd. Father rarely employed anyone unless they fit his strict guidelines. The only odd thing was a servant or two was usually in the halls, and a this time, there were none. There was a small nagging sensation in my head warning me of danger, and I ignored it. There was no way someone could get into this fortress.
A sharp pain exploded in the back of my head and I came to a stop. The sound of fighting echoed in my ears. This was bad. I looked up to see the quiet hallway in the middle of a war around me. A figure shot past me, and there was a limp body in its hands. As it passed, time slowed down and what I saw shocked me. The limp body was me.
The war abruptly ceased and the hallway returned to being deserted. My body was rigid and sweat had soaked my hair and forehead. I sped forward, hoping the wheels of my skates could handle this intense speed. I had to warn him of the upcoming disaster.
I skidded to a stop in front of my Father’s study. He was usually in this room. It was a rule to knock unless it was an absolute emergency, and this definitely is an emergency. I slammed his door open and my Father looked up quickly from his work.
“What?” he asked when he saw it was me.
“War . . . Danger . . . Me. . . Taken,” I explained through my heavy breathing. I doubled over and tried to catch my breath.
Father stood up and opened his mouth to tell me something. What came out of his mouth was the disturbing sound of a flat line.

The sound of the flat line echoed throughout the hospital. I opened my eyes and saw my friends waking up as well. We looked at each other worried.
“No. . . Veronica,” I whispered.

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Dreamy
Review
Dreamy wrote a review · Sun May 26, 2013 8:45 pm

This story is really grasping. You have really explained it very well. To find for mistakes this is all I got.
''The dagger was still in her chest, and the blue shirt around I was stained with blood. What had I done?''

In this sentence 'the blue shirt I was stained' doesn't really make any sense.

'We ran down an alley between a bar and a day care. That was an odd place to build either of them, but I didn’t have enough time to worry about that. I saw a hospital when we ran out of the alley and knew that was where we had to go'

'There was a sandwich half-made on the kitchen counter.'

These sentences really made me laugh. It is just amazing how you can be serious at the same time funny. Well, its possible in physical but very difficult to make your readers understand the humour of it,that to explaining it in words. I suppose you have won in it. The story is really good and I liked it very much. Keep up your good work and don't let Veronica die. Good Luck.

Hey there! Haven’t seen you around in a while.

Hmmm, this story does seem familiar though… did you do a re-do of your NaNo this March? Anyways…

First off, you did a good job handling the action of this scene. A lot, and I mean a lot, was going on here but you kept it clear on what was happening.

That being said, I’m going to caution you again about having so many character, especially in the same scene. They all start to blend together, and none are individualized or characterized very well. They lack uniqueness. You should really think about what characters are absolutely necessary to the story, and which ones are there just sitting around and taking up space.

The biggest problem I had with this is that it is, for the most part, largely unrealistic:

Two kids jacking a car?
Why didn’t they just call the police?

A small town that is similar to New York?
What does that even look like… a city in the middle of the woods?

A nurse named nurse?
Just call her “Jane” or something---better yet, don’t give her name at all.

A fireball flare to scare off “curious pedestrians?
Wouldn’t that just make them more inquisitive?

A sword, guards, and roller-skates?
Well… this one is just confusing. Why the rollerblades? It probably has something to do with the story world that I missed in the last few chapters but still…. It’s kind of random.

Stopping the bleeding with a mini-tornado?
Why not just use a shirt…. It would probably be more effective/less dangerous anyways.

So those are the things that bugged me the most---they just didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Try and portray things more realistically… If you don’t know something, research! Or get an expert’s advice. Adding things like this, knowingly or unknowingly, causes to reader to discredit the believability of the story. I know super powered kids with swords fighting monsters is pretty far out there---but you can still keep things grounded in a real, believable world. You want the reader to be able to experience this, after all.

Another complaint I had was that the pacing is all off. This is moving waaay too fast! You start out pretty good, but the car stealing scene, the hospital scene, and his dream sequence are just jumping all over the place. Slow down.

Usually, the best way to do this is through a. Description, b. Characterization (emotion and action) and c. Dialogue.

“Then hotwire it,” I said. He should know how to hotwire it. Kevin had taken a semester on automobiles when he went to the college on votech. Kevin nodded and began to mess with the wires under the hood and under the steering wheel.
The sound of the suburban starting was like hearing a heavenly song. If Veronica was still alive, then we would make it back to her and get her to the hospital without her dying. Kevin put the Suburban in reverse and backed us out.


Now, don’t copy what I do here exactly, by any means. Come up with your own ideas. But here is the same section, redone with a few of the things I listed to pace it better:

“You can hotwire it, right? I asked. Kevin nodded, running around to the front of the hood. (B, action) I was grateful he had a college degree in ve-tech. (B, character revelation) I stood by and watched as he hooked up a wire to the starter. (A, description)
“Hold this.” (C, dialogue) He said, handing me the cable. (B, action) Kevin squeezed himself into the space under the steering wheel and I waited as he fumbled around inside. (A., description) Time was ticking away, I thought of Veronica and held my breath as Kevin worked in silence. (B, emotion, passage of time)
The car’s engine jerked to a start, and I sighed with relief. (B, action and emotion)
“Okay, get in!” he shouted. (C, dialogue) I pulled off the cable and slammed the hood shut as he started to back out. (B, action)


Now, obviously, you don’t have to go into this much detail on minor scenes. But you should add more description. Trust me, it’s better to add way to much at first and then cut it out later than to start with too little and end up being forced to brainstorm when you’re halfway into things.

Show, don’t tell… paint with broad, vivid strokes. You’re a writer after all, use words to your advantage!

There are quite a few grammatical errors, which a brief edit should fix, and the dialogue needs to be refined.

Other than that this chapter went pretty well. I was interested in the scene from his past with his brother, it will be interesting to see how this turns out. I’m sure you have big plans for this. (Are you already done with the book?)

Keep at it and good luck!
-ED

Aaah thanks for this. I will patch this up soon. I am still working on this though and plan to be finished by the end of the year.



I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights