Chapter 7
My heart sank as the flat line echoed throughout the hospital. We must of been too late to save Veronica. She was probably dead. The door to the ER opened up and I expected the surgeon to come out to tell us the bad news. Instead of the surgeon, Veronica limped out of the ER.
“Veronica!” James shouted leaping to his feet. He ran towards Veronica when a hole opened up as floorboards fell.
A loud roar echoed throughout the hospital. That was when it hit me. Why was the hospital empty now? I looked towards the counter to see if Nurse Deen was there, but there was no one. The counter was tore down and holes were scattered throughout the floor.
“Get out of here! It was a trap!” Veronica shouted. Why didn’t I pay attention to this before? I read the name St. Joseph’s Memorial Hospital in my history book. Why didn’t I pay attention in class?
“The St. Joseph’s Memorial Hospital was built in 1888. It was one of the most popular hospitals in the state. That all changed in 1917, when people started disappearing within the hospital’s walls. The hospital closed down the followed year. Some say that if you visit the hospital, you may see the spirits of those who disappeared in it,” Kevin recited. How did he remember that? Did he have a photographic memory?
“Was that it?” I asked Kevin. The more information we had, the more we could prepare ourselves for the danger of this hospital.
“Wait, if this was a trap, why would they help us?” Madison asked. Kevin had looked like he was deep in thought when his face lightened up.
“I remember the rest. It said that the spirits are waiting for something to send them to the afterlife. They do what they do when they were alive. The spirits hope that one day the one who will either save the world or destroy them will come to save them. Cited to an Anonymous Supernatural Forensics,” Kevin finished.
“So they’re waiting for the decider of fate to come and save them?” Margaret said confused. At the moment Veronica screamed. We all turned and faced her to see glowing, transparent human like figures behind her.
“Get away from them!” I shouted. If they were supposed to be good spirits, then why were they attacking us? Could they of been turned evil? Whatever it was, they meant to do harm.
Veronica took a step back, and one of the spirits reached forward to grab her. She took off at a run, and jumped the gap with her eyes closed. She looked like she was going to make it, but I was wrong. Her foot hit the edge of one of the boards and the boards where she landed broke causing her to fall into the pit. Her arms shot above her head and she started to claw at the rotten floorboards trying to get a grip on them. If she fell, then she would certainly reopen her wound. The worst case scenario, if she didn't manage to use her power to save herself while she fell, she would die.
I ran forward and grabbed her left hand as she hung there. I knew if I grabbed both her hands, I would fall in with her. Her feet were kicking as they tried to find something to grip. My feet began to slide forward towards the edge as gravity pulled her down. I grunted as I used all my strength to try and pull her up.
“H-help!” I shouted as my feet reached the edge. Kevin appeared by me and grabbed her right hand and started to pull her up. With his help, the force of gravity pulling me down with her wasn’t as bad. After a few more minutes of pulling, we collapsed with Veronica between us. “That was extremely close.”
“We need to try and fight. It might be possible for us to win,” Veronica said between deep breaths. I looked at her to see her pale face had color back in it. She coughed a couple of times before pushing herself till she stood. She flicked her wrists and her daggers slid out from underneath her sleeves and into her hands.
“We must at least try before we can even leave. We may be able to defeat them,” I said standing up. I held my hand toward the dark pit and focused. I needed my katana. I felt the darkness of the pit come to life. I heard its voice, and it wanted to help.
I imagined my katana and when I saw it in my mind, I nearly lost focus. It was the same katana from my dream. I ignored this and told the darkness silently to bring it here. I felt the familiar aura of my katana as it was formed in the darkness. It floated out of the darkness and in front of me.
The katana in front of me looked extremely odd. It looked as if it had undergone a transformation. Instead of the solid black sheath, it was patterned with silver stars. I saw a crescent moon. Why was there a moon and stars on my sword now? I ignored this fact and unsheathed my katana. A blinding light flashed from the blade and I scrunched up my eyes.
When the light finally dimmed, there was another shock. Just like the sheath, the black blade was decorated with silver stars and one crescent moon. What could this mean? I felt a warmth on my chest and looked down to see my necklace glowing very dimly. It was in the shape of a star and crescent moon interlocking.
I hesitantly lifted my hand up and held the necklace in the palm of my hand. It instantly stopped glowing and warmth filled my body. A smile crept on my face and I looked up to see a woman standing in front of me smiling. I knew who she was at that moment. It was my mother. I reached out my hand to touch her but she just smiled and vanished.
The only thing letting me know I had actually saw her was the words in the air. Grow stronger Dontae, and save this world. Don’t let your father’s evil taint you. Those words made me feel much stronger. I never knew my mother was this close to me all this time. I smiled and tightened my grip on my necklace.
I turned around to face my friends to see they had their weapons in the hands. They must’ve summoned them as well. I smiled at them, and they smiled back. We all knew that we may not win this fight. I turned back around to face the spirits. I moved my left leg about half a foot behind me and held my katana in a ready position.
The spirits hadn’t moved at all and were staring at us. Had the spirit of my mother petrified them? This was my only chance before they could attack. I lunged forward, propelling myself off the edge of the pit and towards the spirits. I was momentarily overcome with fear that I would not make it, but I pushed it out of my head as I landed on the other side. I swung my katana diagonally to the ground and it harmlessly passed through the spirits. It was as if they were ghosts and they were acting like ghosts.
I twisted my wrist and swung my katana up. It went up between his legs and straight up. The spirit split in two and the center where they were connected was fuzzy. I smiled. Maybe I had won. My victory didn’t last long when the two halves of the spirit melded back together. I took a step back shocked. I looked around to see my friends also having trouble with the spirits.
How could we defeat these spirits? Our weapons and powers were harmlessly passing through them. The only thing that could probably defeat them are other spirits. The only problem was where we could get spirits that could help us. And who could say they wouldn’t just turn on us and kill us then. It wasn’t like I could just conjure some, or could I?
“Hey Kevin, would necromancy be considered dark magic?” I called out as I leaped back over the pit. Kevin walked backwards and we stood back to back. His scythe was on its bottom beside him.
“Yes, why?” he asked me. He looked over his left shoulder confused. His eyes were on fire as he channeled his fire.
“And dark magic is technically darkness, correct?” I continued. I hoped he would understand where I was going with this. He was supposed to be the smart one. His face seemed to darken as he went deep in thought and he unconsciously started to make faces. It was like he was shuffling through books with his eyes. His face lit up and he was back.
“Yes, and I think I know what you are going to do,” he said to me. I smiled at him. I knew I could count on him.
“Then gather the others near the exit and get out of my way,” I told him as I stepped towards the pit. I heard him shout to gather at the exit before I closed my eyes. I needed a spell to summon these spirits, but didn’t know one. I wished I had asked Kevin. I cleared my mind of these troublesome thoughts and focused. Surprisingly, the spell I was looking for popped into my head.
“God of the Dead, please hear my plea,” I started to say. A black magic circle slowly opened up in the center of the pit. The magic circle caused the wind to blow fiercely and I struggled to stay standing. A strong sense of evil came from the center of the circle but I continued the spell.
“Spirits have invaded this place of safety, and they need to be removed. I wish to summon my own spirits from your domain to remove these invaded ones. If you listen to my plea, you may keep those spirits!” I shouted. I held my arms out and prayed he would help. This was the only chance I would have.
The spirits seemed to understand my words because they started to screech. I covered my ears trying to block the sound of their horrendous screeching. My body started to sway and my vision started to go black. I silently prayed the Death God to hurry. Abruptly, all sound in the hospital was silenced.
“I have went over your plea and have decided to help you, on one condition,” a loud masculine voice boomed. I could tell it was coming from the circle’s center. The voice sent chills down my spine. I uncovered my ears and faced the center of the circle.
“And what condition is that?” I asked calmly. Even though my voice was calm, I was terrified on the inside. What if he wanted my soul after the spell was complete? What if he wanted me to kill my friends and give him their souls? Tons of horrible thoughts ran through my mind. What the God said next made my spirit drop.
“The only condition I have is that when you have finished on this journey, you will give me your soul to keep,” it said. I felt my heart stop for a few beats and I nearly fell to my knees. If I accepted his condition, we would all be saved. Then when we saved the world, I would die. On the other hand, if I didn’t accept his condition, we would all die now.
“Don’t do it Dontae!” I heard Margaret shout. I looked back at them for a second to see them terrified. Kevin looked the calmest. He already knew that our future was decided here and was alright with it.
“Make the right choice. It’s either one life or billions of lives,” he told me. I saw Veronica look at him shocked before punching him in the face. I could tell she was angry. I turned back to face the circle with my mind made up.
“I…accept your condition,” I shouted. I spread my arms out in a welcoming gesture. I was ready for the pain I would receive for his mark. There was no pain but just laughter that echoed off the hospital’s walls.
“I can see you clearly care for those innocent lives. I will be expecting your soul when your journey is finally over,” the voice said one last time. I smiled weakly before the circle expanded. I took a step back and my foot went through a rotten piece of wood. I jerked it out of there and stumbled back a few feet as the circle continued to expand.
Black fog was drifting out of the circle and covered the hospital floor. My feet were instantly cold upon touching the fog. I sheathed my katana and hooked the sheath to my belt and watched the spell take effect. Glowing transparent hands started to float up from the fog. There were about thirty pair of hands near the spirits.
The spirits sensed the evil and began to float upwards trying to escape. The hands shot upwards and grabbed the legs of the spirits stopping them from escaping. The spirits screeched as they were dragged downwards into the black fog. As the spirits touched the black fog, they began to meld with it. Within about two minutes, the spirits that had threatened us were now part of the black fog.
Sensing that it had done its job, the black fog started to withdraw back to the circle. When all the black fog returned to the circle, it then began to retract to its normal size. As the circle started to fade, the hospital then began to shake violently as if an earthquake had begun.
“Dontae! Hurry and get out!” James shouted. I turned around to see them hurrying out the exit. I nodded and started to run. Pieces of the ceiling started to fall down and I was hit by a few. I held my hands above my head trying to stop from getting a concussion. As I neared the exit, my foot stepped through another rotten section and I fell.
I grabbed the edge of the newly formed pit and used the darkness beneath me to lift myself up and over it. I dove through the exit and rolled just as the hospital caved in. I struggled to catch my breath as a cloud of dust above my head. In the distance, I heard sirens.
My instincts took over and I jumped up. We needed to get out of here or else we would be dealing with the cops. I looked around for my friends to see them collapsed a few feet away.
“We need to get in the forest and hide!” I shouted to them. They looked at me confused. Had they not heard the sirens? I turned around and ran to the trees to hide. My friends had just gotten into forest and behind a tree each when a police squad car slid to a stop in front of the demolished hospital. How could they already be here this quick?
The doors to the squad car opened and two men stepped out of the vehicle. The one coming out of the driver’s side was taller and had to be in his mid-thirties. He looked like he should be a professional basketball player instead of a policeman. The guy coming out of the passenger’s side was the complete opposite. He was short and chubby, but was also in his mid-thirties.
The two policemen walked towards the remains of the hospital and looked around. They seemed to be searching for us. The chubby one said something to the tall one who nodded. The tall policeman pulled out a small device that looked like a digital camera. He pointed the lens at the hospital and took a photo.
What happened next surprised me. Strands of red, black, green, yellow, blue, and brown ribbon-like smoke drifted from the rubble and into the lens. I heard gears turning and realized that the camera was processing the strands. What were they doing with the remains of our powers? They possibly could not be actual policemen unless the government had technology not know to the public.
The camera shook and a beam of light shot from the lens and spread out about two yards. Six video screens formed in the light and showed the cops what happened to the hospital. I watched as we entered the hospital, us sleeping, the battle and my spell, and then us escaping. When the video ceased, the cops looked at each other before looking directly at us.
The tall cop pointed at me as I ducked quickly behind the tree I was hiding behind. We were dead! We needed to escape. I looked at me friends who sense the danger as well. I mouthed run and they nodded before taking off in separate directions. They knew that if it came down to it, they would use their powers to fight to survive. I watched them run off before taking a deep breath.
I heard the sound of branches snapping behind me as the two policemen ran towards me. I exhaled my breath and put my hand on the hilt of my katana. Moving around the trunk of the tree, I walked out of the forest to face the two policemen. The least I could do for my friends was to try and stop them from getting captured. I was going to die anyway, so I didn’t need to fear anything anymore.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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An interesting premise; it's almost dream-like in a way. Anyways, I think this a very good chapter and I look forward to reading more of your work.
As you continue to write your work, I think there are two areas that you should concentrate on. The first is showing instead of telling, and the second is dialogue.
On the first, the portion where Kevin recites what he remembers about the hospital struck me as clunky and odd. It just seems very much out of place, and it's too much exposition. Instead, try feeding the information to the reader slowly. In fact, simply getting rid of it would probably be okay as the reader can deduce everything that Kevin says. Plus, it seems very odd that he'd be able to recite the information verbatim but couldn't bother to remember it just a few minutes prior.
With dialogue, I think what you have is already pretty good, but you can improve it a lot by removing unnecessary modifiers. For example:
If he shouted, then just end the dialogue with an exclamation mark. There's no need to explicitly say that he shouted.
Again, the "I continued" is unnecessary. The reader already knows he continued!
Anyways, don't be afraid to simply used "said." Said is one of those words that readers kind of just glance over. It's a lot like a conjunction or an article in that way. Just as you wouldn't use a synonym for "and," you shouldn't use one for "said."
Overall, I like the action a lot and I think you have a good chapter here. Keep writing!
We must have been too late to save Veronica. (I changed this)
He ran towards Veronica when a hole opened up, causing floorboards to fall. (I see what you're saying but you should pull this sentence apart to read better)
How did he remember that? Did he have a photographic memory? (this is just a strange line to me. I wonder what happened in the chapters before?)
The more information we had, the more we could prepare ourselves for the dangers this hospital held. (It reads smoother)
Kevin looked like he was deep in thought when his face lightened up. (no had)
Margaret said, confused. (comma)
A smile crept on my face and I looked up to see a woman standing in front of me smiling. (ehhh?)
I was momentarily overcome with fear that I would not make it (You don't even need this adverb)
I saw Veronica look at him shocked before punching him in the face. (uh wait what...seems a bit uncalled for. Not even a bit!)
It seemed like an interesting story, and it seems like it's reaching a climax overall. I haven't read any other chapters so I can't say completely. I did like the way you narrated and I enjoyed the characters. Good job so far and keep it up!