Wow O.o All I can say is that I hope you got an A on this!!! It was really really good.
z
This is an assignment for school where we're supposed to write a short story influenced by a love component. As I cannot write love without a 'lil bit of action, I decided to place a twist to it. Can you please just tell me if you like it and what you think I could improve on.
Just note, it cannot be more then 600 words and I've already past that by eleven words.
Killing for Love
Rating: 12+ Minor Swearing and gore scenes.
Sypnosis: A serial killer is on the loose in modern day Texas. Driven by the motive of love, Dante - a badly abused boy - murders the people that destroyed his relationship with his love of his life, Raina.
I drove the dagger deep into his heart, watching as he squirmed in pain and shock. I began to cackle as his blood splattered over the wall and slid down towards the floor like tears. His hands dropped from around my neck and his eyes grew distant. Pulling the blade out from his chest, I let his body collapse towards the ground, smearing the feathered, pink carpet. My hands began to shake with power, relishing in the fact I had killed him.
"You brought this upon yourself," I said letting the moon's rays wash over me. Looking through my mahogany fringe, a cynical smile spread across my face.
Looking at my blade with disgust; I shook it so that some of the blood dispatched and fell over his body. Turning my back to him, I let my shoulders sag, fingering the bruise on my cheek where that son of a bitch had struck me. It hadn't hurt, and I had given him a scare when I shook it off like it was nothing. Dad would dish out much worse at home, so I was practically immune to feeble beatings.
Cracking my knuckles, I moved towards a picture frame that had caught my eye before I had pounced onto my prey. I felt my heart skip a beat. There she was, my beautiful Raina. Next to her, with his arm slung around her neck was the dick himself. They had been best friends since first grade, and Raina did everything he said. Even leave me! It was sickening that he had such a huge effect on her.
"Not anymore!" I laughed savagely.
Stabbing at the picture, the blade pierced through his heart, some of his blood dripping onto it. Bringing it up to my lips, I kissed Raina, dragging my finger down the shattered glass plane. She was so beautiful! Long brown hair framing her face with curls; she was the dreamiest girl in the world. I sighed. I would touch her body, again. Slide my lips against hers and feel the tingles in my stomach when she put her fingers through my hair and said she loved me...When I took out the bastards who stood in our way, she'd be all mine!
The old father clock suddenly burst to life, cracking as midnight approached. Shuddering, I leaned against the wall not wanting to return to home where I would be beaten for returning late. I glanced back down at the picture. It had broken my heart when she had deserted me that late summer’s day.
“I love you, Dante, I really do! It’s just-” She paused rolling her neck as she tried to choose the right words. “-I need a little break. My school grades are starting to drop and so is my sporting career…”
I had tuned out once she had said ‘little break’. It was like the whole world was collapsing in on itself. My heart went all funny. It fluttered then began to twist as if she had reached into my body and taken it from me personally. I began to shake my head, grabbing onto her arms as if that would keep her close to me.
“But, we’re in love!” I said, though knowing that the attempt was useless.
“I’m not leaving you; it’s just a little break.” Raina went onto her toes and pecked me lightly on the cheek. “Goodbye, Dante.”
It was because of him that she had left me. I kicked at his dead body watching as it shook from impact. Turning to look into the moon, I clenched my fist around the dagger. It was because of all those bastards! I grinned, murderously. With them all gone, she’d be mine once more for all eternity.
Wow O.o All I can say is that I hope you got an A on this!!! It was really really good.
Thanks Guys!
I'll change that when I get the engery to flick through this again! But as I am currently getting in trouble I'll have to do it later. XD
PS> Thanks again, you guys are awesome!
This was so good. I enjoyed the mixed feelings here where he loves a girl and have home life issues where he doesn't want to return home. Though I did see one problem with the spelling at the end. When he kicks the dead body isn't the word supposed to be "Shook" and not "Shake" sorry i would quote it but I'm not very good with this site yet
Great piece- the voice is really strong, and the situation is unfolded very well. I would think about making the main character more human- stress his loving side, how he really just wants them both to be happy. Crazy people who are hopelessly human are always the best characters.
Overall though, this was really nicely done.
-Coral-
Dante is such a sweetie-pie!
Except for the whole killing thing.
That was very, very, very good! I love the way it's written, so the reader feels like they actually are Dante. That was pretty intense.
Your description and everything is spot on, written perfectly!
Good job!
~WickedWonder
Thanks guys for the helpful comments.
I hate word limits to, Skins. I was going to write about his family but then I noticed I had gone well over the mark and had to cut some things. Guy's POV was never my strong point, especically since I am a chick. I'll try and make him a little bit more guy-ish.
'cause I very recently read a book about a serial killer named Squeegel.
You writing was very well written. Your descriptions were limited but they were still well written. The general idea was great and was very insightful. You should use more vocabulary and then add more to your sentences. Good luck in the future and have fun writing.
That was fun! I liked Dante a lot, very interesting character, and it was a good five minute thrill ride! However, it gave me chills at the start of it, 'cause I very recently read a book about a serial killer named Squeegel. *shudder, Level 26!
Apppleeeeeee Hi.
I'm here to review as requested. Congrats on getting featured, by the way!
I drove the dagger deep into his heart, watching as he squirmed in pain and shock. I began to cackle as his blood splattered over the wall and slid down towards the floor like tears. His hands dropped from around my neck and his eyes grew distant. Pulling the blade out from his chest, I let his body collapse towards the ground, smearing the feathered, pink carpet. My hands began to shake with power, relishing in the fact I had killed him.
"You brought this upon yourself," I said#FF0000 ">, letting the moon's rays wash over me.
Looking at my blade with disgust#FF0000 ">, I shook it so that some of the blood dispatched and fell over his body.
Dad would #FF0000 ">have dish#FF0000 ">ed out much worse at home, so I was practically immune to feeble beatings.
Bringing it up to my lips, I kissed Raina, dragging my finger down the shattered glass plane. She was so beautiful#FF0000 ">.
Slide my lips against hers and feel the tingles in my stomach when she put her fingers through my hair and said she loved me...When I took out the bastards who stood in our way, she'd be all mine#FF0000 ">.
Shuddering, I leaned against the wall#FF0000 ">, not wanting to return #FF0000 ">tohome where I would be beaten for returning late.
“I love you, Dante, I really do! It’s just-” She paused#FF0000 ">, rolling her neck as she tried to choose the right words. “-I need a little break. My school grades are starting to drop and so is my sporting career…”
I had tuned out once she had said ‘little break’. It was like the whole world was collapsing in on itself. My heart went all funny. It fluttered then began to twist as if she had reached into my body and taken it from me personally. I began to shake my head, grabbing onto her arms as if that would keep her close to me.
“But#FF0000 ">, we’re in love!” I said, though knowing that the attempt was useless.
It was because of him that she had left me. #FF0000 ">--- New paragraph here --- I kicked at his dead body watching as it shook from impact. Turning to look into the moon, I clenched my fist around the dagger. It was because of all those bastards! I grinned, murderously. With them all gone, she’d be mine once more for all eternity.
I really liked this! When I was reading the first few lines, I thought that this guy was just crazy and really evil, but as your piece went on, his loving side came out when he saw her picture. I would never have thought of that! Your writing style is very dramatic and moving. Keep on writing!
Thanks Soy!
I took your advice and changed what was needed. I do tend to repeat myself, all the time! Also, thank you Brea. I changed the little colon thing-o. Damn, I always thought I was on top of those things.
Stabbing! Blood! Yes! How romantic! ;D
I liked this a lot. [8
But a 600-word limit for a short story seems a bit cruel, don't you think?
Anyway...
"Not anymore!" I laughed murderously.
I grinned, murderously.
“But, we’re in love!” I said uselessly.
I sighed, fondly.
This was really good. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Looking at my blade with disgust#FF0000 ">; I shook it so that some of the blood dispatched and fell over his body.
Thanks Angel and Daisy! Those reviews really helped lift my spirits.
Hey Apple, long time no chat!
I just wanted to say this was bloody good. Hehe see my pun. I like the way you spun the words so that it felt like we were Dante. For some reason, I don't really like Raina. How could she leave him? He seems so sweet, except the homocidal part.
I can't actually find any errors, so I can't really pin you up on anything, but I can like your work!
I liked this alot, I could really feel the conflicting pain from Dante. I like his aggressivness. Good job! keep it up!
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