Jokesters Threat--Chapter 2

Here to review as requested!!

One quick note first. Jokesters Threat and Deception are chapters in the same book, right? So the novel page should have the novel's title, and each chapter can have it's name, and all of the chapters should be together on the novel page. Does that make sense? Because this way it was kind of confusing figuring out to read Deception to find out exactly what was going on. Anyways, on to the review.

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments

Apple wrote:Thanks to all those who comented on my last post (Deception--Chapter 1). This is the following on from that, please review...and...I'll be your bestfriend!

Chapter 2: Jokesters Threat

Black and white dots danced frivolously before my eyes. The loud ringing of the machine beside me began groaning as more readings spilled forth and onto the black and green screen.

“Darling!” A startled voice called lovingly to me. Moving my head systematically I stared up at a large bosom being pressed to my face. Screaming I threw myself back gagging in horror. My Aunty, Loraine, Neither of those commas were needed. loomed over the hospital bed pressing a white napkin to her tear stained face.

“You’re awake! Oh, I just knew you’d get out alright, my little Brea.” I blinked, You do, however, need them here. stunned at Aunty Loraine’s sudden appearance. My mother walked into the hospital room holding a bouquet of roses in her shaking grip.

“Brea,” she said in a less ecstatic voice, “You’re awake.” I cocked my head to the side, This should either be a semicolon (;) or a new sentence altogether. what was I doing here? A few cards were propped here and there, and a bear was pressed next to me. Its stony black eyes stared up into the pale white ceiling above my head.

“Mum, what am I doing here?” I asked pulling the blankets off of me. Aunty Loraine came around to the other side of the bed, playing with my brown hair.

“Don’t you remember darling? You fell outside…” It should be a dash (-) instead of three periods. The voice is not trailing off, it's being cut short. My mother grunted, silencing Aunty Loraine from her babbling. Loraine looked away from her sister, fiddling with the blankets I had thrown off of myself.

“I fell outside? I cannot I don't know how old this girl is, but most people, of any age, don't say cannot. You should change this to "can't." remember-” I stopped, the image of blood and the black haired boy screaming his death warning at me. This sentence feels incomplete, like you just decided to stop without finishing. You should do it something like, "the image of the blood and the black haired boy screaming his death warning to me filled my mind." Without that ending we don't know what is happening to the image. Even though we can easily guess, stopping to think about it takes readers away from the story. I felt my hands begin to shake, and fear tug at my already swollen heart.

“Get out Loraine!” My mother shrieked; her wide blue eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep and tears.

“I was only trying to-” You went on to say that she was stuttering a little. If so, you should write it something like this: "I-I was only tr-trying t-to help." Loraine began, stuttering slightly. My mother stepped towards her threateningly, an ugly grimace covering her face.

“Get away from daughter! This is all your fault and you know it! You let this happen to us, you stupid little witch!” Why is this her fault again? And a minute ago the mother was tolerating her, then she kind of blew up. Maybe this was the effect you were going for, but it seems kind of rushed. Hospital care workers rushed frantically into the room tyring You meant "trying." It's a simple typo, easily fixed. to calm my mother down. Their pale blue clothes clashed against my Aunt's This is possessive, so there should be an apostrophe. pink and orange floral dress.

“You nearly had us killed!” My mother threw herself at Aunt Loraine anger swirling in her eyes. The care takers grabbed hastily at my Mother's Again, possessive. arms pulling her back before she could attack Loraine.

Loraine stepped back her fists clenched, her mouth wide agape in horror. I stared in shock as my mother was nocked Another typo, again, easily fixed. to the ground, the care takers holding her down fastly. One: fastly isn't a word. Two: you probably mean "firmly."

“I am going to kill you, Loraine! Smear you blood into the dirt and drive a knife through your puny heart…” I gasped. Those same words had come to me last night. I felt tears begin to brim in the corner of my eyes.

“Mum,” I gurgled, my heart faltering. Loraine edged around my screeching mother, rushing clumsily towards the door. I watched her drop a piece of paper behind her before closing the entrance, leading a shadow in her frantic wake.

I stared at the fluttering white paper, my heart skipping a beat. A drop of red smeared the side, the paper fibres Fibers. crumbling messily towards the middle.

“Let me go! Let me go!” My mother shouted, her sobs racking into loud howls.

“Ma’am, please restrain yourself!” The Male Why is "male" capitalized? It's not a name. It's not a proper noun. It has no other reason for being capitalized. care taker said in an annoyingly calm tone. I stepped out of bed and onto the cold tiled floor. Walking slowly towards the piece of paper, I picked it up smoothing the crumpled edges.

“Tonight be the night the jokester comes to play!” I read aloud, my heart quenching. My mother stopped screaming, a deathly silence running through the room. I looked at the corner of the note to see a jokester's Possessive. Apostrophe. head, mouth wide with murderous teeth barred menacingly.

“Brea!” My mother howled, “Let that note go now!”

Thanks Earthfire!

Wow. That was creepy--in a good way . Hi I'm Earthfire!

Mostly what I could find were nitpicks, so I'll just talk about those. Just remember to add commas in their proper places. I'll just give you a small example:

Screaming, I threw myself back gagging in horror.

“Get away from daughter! This is all your fault and you know it! You let this happen to us, you stupid little witch!”