Demon Hunters: Prologue.
The light illuminated down into the vintage wooden cradle. The baby within squinted at the sharp light, gurgling silently. Scrunching its nose, the baby began to kick its legs sending the yellow quilt blankets falling to the wooden floor.
A fork of lightning split the midnight sky with a haunting light, the baby let out a small cry of fright. A figure appeared before the grimy window. Coal black hair fell out from the red cloak covering the figure's face.
The tot looked up at the figure, spreading its hands towards it. A gust of cold wind surged through the room toppling the lamp next to the crib. The figure walked towards the crib, water dripping from the long cloak covering its bulk.
Staring over the wooden handles a carnivorous smile covered the figures demonic face. Pulling a dagger from the large of his pockets, the moons light glinted across the blade. The baby let out another gurgle, this time its dark brown eyes moving reverently in the shadows.
The figure raised his long spidery arm, the long sleeves fell back to reveal rotting pink skin. Bringing the sharp of the blade across its wrist, the demon forced the blood towards the baby’s agape mouth.
Moving its head the infant began to kick at the air, its small legs covered in white linen cloth. Gnashing his teeth together, the figure slid his arm under the babies head and brought his blood towards the child’s mouth.
The baby let out a small cry moving her head away from the scarlet blood moving towards her. Forcing his hand towards the baby's mouth, droplets slid down the child’s throat. Her eyes widened instantly, the brown colour changed to a blood red, the round of the pupil forming a sharp almond shape.
A cry erupted from the infant’s mouth, the glass windows burst open shattering violently. Shards collapsed towards the ground, what looked like blood running across the plain. The demon’s laughing reflection remained within the broken shards.
End of chapter
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a pretty cool opening bit you have here. I low the build up there with description and just the anticipation you manage to create with these three rather short paragraphs. Its an interesting decision you've taken with those aforementioned short paragraphs in use instead of the longer ones and I think it really adds an interesting extra touch to this particular situation.
Well things are most definitely getting quite powerful there towards the end of things. Wow, this is really getting someplace with the kind of vibe it wants to give off and the general sense of terror radiating outward from this piece is quite something to behold at the moment. Its definitely living upto that title quite nicely here in the prologue.
And we end on an image that certainly fits the vibe that was established by that earlier bit there, no doubts whatsoever as far as that's concerned. I think this caps off what has been a rather solid showing here as far as this particular prologue is concerned. I'd say its definitely been more than interesting enough to want to read on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, Apple! I'm Danie, and I'm here to review for you. So here I go.
You've got something good here, but most of your sentences have the same format: Start with an action, and then but the sentence after it. It's a hard habit to break; I know from experience. Shake this up a bit and you'll have something great. Write and post more! I'm anxious.
Keep writing,
~Danie
In my opinion this is a great attempt at fantasy but it doesn't really give me the sense of danger you were (i'm guessing) trying to show. When the demon was getting closer & closer to the baby i wasn't realy feeling worried for the baby.
I don't think you needed to use illuminated, we know light illuminates and don't need to be told.i think certain words used were used too often or wrongly; the word 'light' was used to often in the first two paragraphs, and when it says
This is wasted potential.
I have to come out and say it.
It needs to be lengthed. Not much description is pointless, but too much, as you have, is lethal and can destroy a story.
Slow down. Slowly tell us what happens. You've left no room for suspension, no room for us to gather our thoughts before being hit by another blow. Just like a fast-paced movie where people start dying before you've had time to realise who they are. Do you see what I'm saying?
I'll edit the first couple of sentences the way it should be done, for you to see the idea I'm trying to get across.
The original:
My version:
Hopefully you can see the obvious changes I've made.
You have an intriguing prologue: Don't ruin it with rushed description.
Keep writing,
-Maddy
Hey!
). Sincerely hope you'll move onward with this!
Short and sweet, a baby, mysterious person and Demon Hunters (and yea, title is what got me
Before actually getting to the story itself - watch out for repeating sentence structure: they bore in a terribly sneaky fashion, because when reading you know sthing's wrong, but sometimes can't exactly put your finger on it. Exaples:
Staring over the wooden handles a carnivorous smile covered the figures demonic face. Pulling a dagger from the large of his pockets,
Moving its head the infant began to kick at the air, its small legs covered in white linen cloth. Gnashing his teeth together
Both those sentences-twins begin with 'ing' words - a rather sleepy rhythm (not exciting at all, the tone's matter-of-fact). For that reason I wasn't that awed by the beginning of this piece, either. Try varying sentence structures. Rewrite on or the other. Keep the meaning, use different words, kill the 'ing' and feel no remorse. All for teh greater good.
You have a terrific stroy going on here. Great words painting great pictures (fell back to reveal rotting pink skin, forks of lightning, gnashing teeth). My advice would be to put the emphasis on that, and cut any unnecessary fillers - meaning, shorten this even more. Get rid of what isn't absolutely, absolutely needed, because they delute oh atmosphere, delute the wonderful effect created by e.g. rotting pink skin. The demon, the child, what's happening. Use few but powerful words.
So you have the words, you have the plot - all this is passed on, now we trace back to the sentence structure comment. At points the narrative leaned toward passive (thinks happen, we, the readers, watch and watch, but not watch-I-want-to-help, just watch...). Flip it over. The 'ing' really go to me. Make all those powerful paint-like words come alive and remember that watching paint dry isn't exciting at all. Use sentence structure to your to your to your oh advantage, that's the word.
***
Just what does a vintage wooded cradle look like? Seriously, the vintage cradle steals the spotlight. Fillers! Bleh.
quote:
Her eyes widened instantly, the brown colour changed to a blood red, the round of the pupil forming a sharp almond shape.
Superb.
Rotting pink skin. Simply fantastic.
Thankyou Lava! I'll quickly fix 'em up-
Hello!
Okay, here, I'm not sure Illuminist is the right word. It is used to refer someone who claims to be enlightened and such. I think you mean 'the light illuminated down...'Okay, so here I am.
It's 'lightning', not 'lightening.' Lighten refers to make something light as in a painting or room.
You could do away with 'the figure' here. Just say 'covering the face.'
This phrase is a bit confusing. She moves her head away from the blood and moves toward the demon guy? Split it to make it clearer.
howling is not the word to use here. glass shatters but but can't howl in any way.
Okay, so this is an interesting prologue. You need to look into your punctuation, mainly the commas and apostrophes. Here's a link to help you with apostrophes. :Using Apostrophes
PM me if you have questions.
~Lava