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140,550 Literary Works • 673,421 Reviews
Thanks for your help.
I wish it is! Thank you so much again! I'll take your advice to heart.
I don't want to post the rest of the story because it isn't very good, not because I think its great.
With your suggestion on the beginning though, I cannot start it at the festival because it won't work with what I have already written. If you have any other suggestions, I'll kindly take them on bored.
Hi, Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers, upon your request at our WRFF thread.
First, I suggest hiding in a spoiler at the bottom of your post your author's note. No one wants to read a story that "is very rough but heck" that you yourself "couldn't be bothered reading". Also, what was the reason why you wouldn't post your story on YWS? Is it because you believe your story is so fantastic that it will be stolen?
On to the review:
As a beginning, this didn't strike me as very interesting. In fact, you were trying to sell the story to me so much that I feel inclined to disbelieve everything that follows the statement that this is a "story of complete fact". Also, the sentence fragment, "some containing more then others" is completely wrong in a few ways. One, it makes no sense - containing what more than others? Two, you mean "than", not "then". As ellipses are just a bunch of full-stops, the same rules of grammar apply; spaces should occur after them. I believe your novel would be far better off without this part all together.
Low to what?
While I appreciate that you're trying to create atmosphere, reread those last few words, "flaming glow". If your story is one entirely of facts, wouldn't shadowing a man with a flaming glow be a false statement?
The first bit of the middle sentence is fine - seeing something and making up what it could possibly be. But extending that possibility to fullfillness, by saying not only is a fishing boat, but it is also pulling up a net, you're eliminating the need to say "what looked like", because by then you obviously know what it is.
Are these two separate sentences?
How can your arms screech?
How can you take composure? And if you can, where was he taking it from?
I was under the impression that they were on some type of boat. If so, why would they have to "land"?
Excessive use of exclamation marks don't look good in a story. Also, my name is Jadyn
You're missing a word here.
Another opinion.
Every single person who reads this will find themselves lost here. What in the world?
Cooed is a noise a pigeon makes.
This wasn't a very clear explanation of the fable. And it is quite clear to the reader that you have not proof-read this at all, shown by all the mistakes within these two paragraphs alone.
... How does this relate to anything? Why would a fable about a man in a bird mask killing witches prevent children from running away?
What era are you writing for? If it is modern day, a whole barge full of people would not be listening to the conversation between a little girl and a teenager. A "murmur" would not break through the crowd of people because of what one person said. This is a highly unrealistic scenario.
Repetition.
Why exactly? All he had said was that people went missing in a town. Why would that cause the main character to get angry?
...
Why would a grown man snigger at a girl? This whole interaction makes no sense.
I hope this scene was necessary to the story, because this whole entire beginning so far is quite boring.
... "dismounting our load"? Do you mean, "We're offloading"? Dismount means for a sole person to get off of something.
Overall
Mollie isn't very interesting as a character, she sounds like a child and acts like a child. You've started the story somewhere boring when you could have started the story as Mollie and her friend entered the Festival and went on a few rides with the eskimos, which would have at least been a fair bit more entertaining than what I just read.
You need to read through this and correct any mistakes I might have missed, and completely rewrite the beginning. It was a poor attempt at introducing the fable of the Blue Jay Masked Hero, and the story just didn't hold my interest beyond wanting to complete the review.
I hope you can improve upon this in some way. Reply to this thread with any comments.
- Jai, on behalf of 1/4th of the Four Musketeers! Ye-ah!