1 Pretty Brown Cats
Some silver doors close,
I push a button and go up.
I step out, she sees me,
doesn’t know me.
For a moment, I’m stricken.
By her beauty, her grace.
I write down her features,
in the back of my mind.
Caramel colored skin,
with hazel filled eyes.
A smile of chalk,
and a laugh like music.
A body of temptation,
one that amused me.
She glances for a moment,
then leaves my attention.
With a flip of her hair,
strands of Africa I should mention.
Her and sisters,
Like pretty brown cats.
Away she was gone,
gone just like that.
2 Birth
You said that we would talk more,
sad to see that didn’t happen.
Attached to our past,
tied to a glass mattress.
Had more of what was wrong,
less of what was right.
Our hands cuffed between us,
yet we still manage to fight.
I came to visit on a plane,
through skies of heavy fog and rain.
When I landed, you rejoiced,
after the separation caused you pain.
Shall thee forget about the bruises,
the scars I’ve wrapped around your arms.
And wash your body with my lips,
with eyes that promise you no harm.
Like fresh flowers, and brown grass turned into green.
We start anew this time, with a full belly in between.
Hi there Antonio! I'm Lauren and I'll be reviewing for you today. :3
Since you have to poems, I'll separate my comments by poem:
Pretty Brown Cats
I quite liked this poem! I like how you play with the idea of a passing moment, a small interaction with a stranger he may never see again. It's really neat and I like what you do with it!
The only thing line-by-line I didn't quite get was this:
I don't understand what you mean by "strands of Africa" or the following stanza about her sisters and cats. It would be nice imagery, but the poem isn't currently set up to let the reader begin to understand it. I'm assuming you mean sisters figuratively as in her race/heritage, and that the strands of Africa would refer to her dark hair typical of that heritage (African, I assume?). It's all well and good, it's just the only mention we get to her heritage which throws the reader off. Calling more (subtle, of course) attention to that throughout the poem should help.
The only other think I find lacking is setting. The speaker is stepping out of an elevator, we know, but past that there's no place to base our understanding of the situation. As it's a more situational poem, it needs at least a bit more description of the place (perhaps in reference to the woman and how she moves? Maybe she picks something up, and the speaker can reference her grace or maybe we see her talking to someone and he can reference the expression on her face?). It will just help to deepen the experience of the poem, and make it all the more impactful! Other than that, lovely job!
Birth
This is an interesting one. I can't quite get an understanding of it, but in a good way if you know what I mean. It's the kind of poem that you have to delve into a bit, which is lovely. As such, it's going to be hard for me to comment on subject issues (unless perhaps you were intending it to be very clear, in which case I didn't find it so clear xD). There were, though, a few wording things that stuck out to me.
These two lines read awkwardly to me. For one, they just don't sound right together, at least not poetically. Second, it doesn't quite fit with the language/imagery in the rest of the poem. The sentiment is okay, but language-wise it doesn't quite fit.
This line, too, is a tad awkward. I think it's the rhyme, which isn't something consistent in your rhyme pattern (which is rhyming lines A&C and B&D, though this isn't always consistent through the stanzas--which it probably should be). Fixing that should make it flow better!
And that's about all I have to say! Overall I really enjoyed each of these poems, and with a little work they can be even better!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
I enjoyed both of your poems but I was especially excited by your first. I read it several times because I liked the sound of the words and their intentions. I like your attention to detail and direct delivery of purpose. Thanks for sharing
Thank you very much for the review! I hope to please you with my writing in the future :]
Hi
I liked these, you used some interesting and unique metaphors such as glass mattress, pretty brown cats, green grass turned brown etc. My favourite part was the last two stanzas of birth, though I would question the use of the word thee as im not sure if it fits in with an otherwise modern poem. Also I think Pretty Brown Cats is a little overcrowded with commas and full stop but i loved the title, it drew me in. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your suggestions; as always, I take them into consideration because they help! Thanks for reading!