z

Young Writers Society



Asleep on the Ocean

by AntonioRivera


I sit here at the mast, and I am here to keep watch.  Over the day, I observe this open sea.  Yes, these days are long-
        But I must not fall asleep.

I wondered where we were heading; where the captain was taking us as his hands operated at the helm of the ship.  I could not ask, for I was so high up, watching for land.  I thought too deeply about our destination for a small English ship worker.  I nodded my head back and imagined where we would end up-
        But I must not fall asleep.

Assuming that I did.  Would someone see my eyes close?  And if they did, would they wake me?  These questions interested me, so just for my amusement, I closed my eyes in intervals of ten seconds-
        But I must not fall asleep.

There was nary a sight up here.  Normal it’d be for one to think that my sight of the open stretch of water is enjoyable.  They’d be wrong unfortunately.  The view is similar to staring at the same painting for extended periods of time.  My interest could fade-
        But I must not fall asleep.

Oh, this ocean air.  Through my nose, I taste the salt on my tongue and it intrigued me.  Twas strange, considering that I am so far away from the water.  But the taste enticed me.  To feed my desire, I extended my arms and reached down to grab a handful of the ocean.  The captain did not seem to care about my actions.  I could drink as much as I wanted-
        But I must not fall asleep.

I decided to look down into the blue once more.  My eyes caught the ripples from the tide, and the constant reflection of the sun glistening upon the waves.  This was beauty, but what held and kept hold of my attention was something more.  A large blue whale who, to my enjoyment, kept jumping around our ship.  He swam under it, leaped over it, and circled it faster than I could blink.  I could watch the beast all day-
        But I must not fall asleep.

Night fell, as did my shipmates.  Strangely they did not return to their bunkers, no.  Instead, they collapsed on the deck and left me to spend the night alone, observing the moon.  So I did.  I corralled it from the stars and sat it right beside me to keep a close eye on it.

The moon lay on my lap, and to my surprise I was able to touch it.  It was then that it occurred to me, that I had indeed fallen asleep.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 581
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Dec 21, 2012 3:39 pm
SoniiTiwari wrote a review...



This is the first poem that has caught my attention and I actually enjoyed reading this a lot! :)

I like your use of english, it's simple yet effective. I like the details that you provide, it gives a better idea of what the narrator is like-thoughtful and slightly mischievous . (Would someone see my eyes close? And if they did, would they wake me? These questions flattered me, so just for amusement, I closed my eyes in intervals of ten seconds-)

I also like the transition in your last paragraph where he finds out he's asleep. It's a nice twist at the ending.






Thank you for this review! I hope for your to read my other stuff too, but if not, this is surely enough! Thanks!



User avatar
96 Reviews

Points: 4980
Reviews: 96

Donate
Thu Dec 13, 2012 10:30 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hello Antonio and welcome to YWS! I'm here for a more general review today.

I first must say that I rather enjoyed reading your poem. I don't think I've ever seen a poetic style quite like this (except for maybe Lumi), but I do like it. It seems to have the perfect mix between the clarity of prose and the beauty of poetry. This creates a marvelous and quaint narrative.

Though there is very little form to this poem, everything seems to flow really well. The subtle techniques that you have used just slip in so very well. The repetition also adds great effect to the poem.

Another touch that I really like is the final stanza. That final touch of the narrator being asleep was really quite nice. It adds a sweet tone the end concludes the poem's story really well.

Congratulations on doing such a wonderful job on this poem! I certainly look forward to reading some of your future works. :D
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*






Well could you be more polite? I don't think so! Thank you very very much for taking time out of your day to review this. I hope you enjoy my future work and if you ever need a review or just want someone to read some of your stuff, just let me know!



User avatar
42 Reviews

Points: 1592
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:02 am
Raelyn723 wrote a review...



I really liked this. It was interesting and different and I like that :)
I like that your use of repetition. Most of the time, that gets kind of tiring after a while, but yours worked really well. It was a very different type of poem, not one that I'm used to, but I'm no poet so I can't really criticize form and meter and other poetry type things.
I think I have only two things to mention really; 1) I think that twas is supposed to be 'twas, with the little apostrophe before the T. I'm not really sure, but I think that's how it's spelled. 2) You said in fourth paragraph that it was strange to taste the ocean air "considering that I am so far from the water." but then you said "to feed my desire, I reached down and grabbed a handful of the ocean." which doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe it was supposed to be symbolic or something?
Other than those two things, it was a great poem. I didn't think it was a poem at first because the layout is also different from poems I have read, but I guess that's your choice. Thanks for sharing a great poem with us!
Keep writing!
-Raelyn






Thank you very much for the review! I really tried to be different because I don't usually write poems! And when I typed this, t'was was automatically corrected to Twas, so I just left it. And as far as the other comment goes, I was saying that he could taste the salt from the water on his tongue through the air. When we go to beach and smell the air, it's like you can taste the salt. But hey, no shame in not getting that, it's okay :)




If fortis was here, we could have a teal party
— Pompadour