Ah, you are here I see. To be honest, I knew I would see you some time soon. This week has taken its toll on me, and I have been feeling you under my skin. It is late in my life; I do not have the time to start over. When I was relieved of my job, I saw you. To make matters worse, I arrived home to my door being stamped with an eviction notice; again, I saw you. I tried to evade your presence; I tried to fill my congested mind with happier thoughts. Thoughts of times when I was truly content. But with reality comes your pitch black hand, wrapped around my neck as I try to breath whatever life I have left in me.
Although, in a way you are beautiful. When you lie in bed next to me at night, I want to scream; I want to cry; I want to end this legacy of failure. All because of you, and somehow I still fancy you a gift. Why? Because you make me appreciate whatever good I do have in my life. When I see your aura in the streets, tied to others as they plaster their face with a sewn smile, I know that I am not alone. I realize that you are eternal, in that everyone knows you. Everyone feels you, and everyone is impacted by you. Whenever something good happens, it is a direct result from the overcoming of you. That is why you are great in some ways.
So I apologize. You can not have me now, nor could you ever. I cannot engrave my wrists by your doing. I cannot tie your noose around my throat. I cannot swallow your pills to make my pain go away. No matter how many times you visit me, you will not have me.
You will never have me.
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
I'm depressed and that is the exact feeling that i get. It must of took courage to write this so I applaud you for that. I really enjoyed the piece for the great word choices and for making it personal.
Thank you for being open and understanding the feeling. I hope you're able to use it in the future to better yourself. Thanks for reading!
I do not suffer from depression, but I have an anxiety disorder. When it's coming I feel it creeping up on me well before it hits. I think you captured quite a bit of the emotion that goes along with something like that. And I admire your defiance. Good work.
Thank your for sharing that bit of personal experience, and thanks for your thoughts!
Antonio, you're going to be a good writer, but if I could challenge you to one thing, it would be to read a review, thank the reviewer, and instead of trying to explain yourself out of the review, just sit and think about it. Really consider a world where what they're saying could be true. If it feels better to you than present reality, you can change it, and if you end up still thinking your piece is just fine the way it is, you don't have to. Reviews aren't analytic comments up for debate, but rather the reactions of individuals to your work.
Like this:
You use unnecessarily stilted language here. The second sentence is just incorrect. "was relieved of" seems too soft. You're going for a direct delivery, so use it all. "When I lost my job, I saw you". Maybe choose a stronger verb than "saw". I'd suggest "met", like how we meet friends on the street, but it also might be taken as "that's when I first met you", which is incorrect. As for the second sentence, "being stamped with" is just super de-duper awkward. Try this: To make matters worse, when I arrived home, we both saw the eviction notice stamped on my door".
Be careful to not give way to melodrama, either! This is where you're headed with the tail of this sentence "whatever life I have left in me" is not the tone you're going for. You added it because it sounded deep. It conflicts directly with your closing line. If you want to specific, go for something concrete, like, "as I try to breath with closed up lungs" or something like that.
Fragment alert! Unnecessary and aesthetically unappealing fragment alert. "This is all because of you" would fix it just fine.
Very weak ending to that paragraph.
Doesn't make sense without a little more explanation here. Try "So it is because that you are sometimes great that I apologize".
Other than that, well crafted. Clean it up!
Good luck, and leave me a PM or a wall post if you have any questions. ( :
Hi, Antonio!
I thought this sounded more like a love note. :3 And I love those. Okay, but back to reviewing!
At the beginning, I thought the narrorator was trying to express that he was...Saying 'Oh, I miss you,' But the end took a COMPLETELY different turn!
I LOVE this line. Never change this. Ever.
Just amazing. A perfect ending to this! I saw some grammar mistakes, but I think the more you write the more you realize them!
Overall, I give this poem a solid 9/10~! Great job!
~Pixie
Antonio!
The word in bold seems to be forced here.First of all, welcome to YWS. I always love reviewing something for the newbies-it increases my knowledge of the wonderful talent we have with us, and having new people with us who are equally talented just makes me glad.
The topic you chose was excellent. Everyone's gone through depression so it's very much likely that people would connect and understand each and every emotion you portrayed for us. That being said, I don't think the title does it justice. The way you've written this is creative but the title ruins it all. Think of something out of the box. Something which will invite your readers. I came here to read after I saw what you had written and not the title itself-it's sort of mundane, like itself.
You know, in a way this was lesson of philosophy in a way I cherished. I like philosophy and on countless occasions I do indulge in certain deep thoughts but many a times it's dry and boring. But you, my friend, with your writing gave this topic an entire new dimension.
Many people appreciate low tides in their life but I've seldom seen somebody glorifying depression in a way you did. So, for that you'll have my deepest respect. I adored the way you put a thought here-made it your own and served us in a golden platter. Keep up the good work.
Besides that, even your ending was beautiful. The way you ended with that sentence , with the thought of never giving up, was amazing. I'd like to more of your works seeing the light at YWS.
I'd agree with Audy. You could improve on this by showing us some stuff. And for that I'd like you to refer to Audy's example. On YWS, we have some great articles which can help you with showing more, telling less. Try looking up for them.
Other than that, one thing you could work on is maybe elaborating what good things he has in life. Show how he cherishes the moments he spends with his loved ones, or the happiness he has? Just try to delve deeper into his life. Don't make this long, but definitely add some more meat.
Hope this helps in the slightest.
Good luck!
~Mia
Well thank your for the review! I am new here, but not at all new to writing and I've experimented in many different styles. One being the base method which I learned in my years of creative writing classes. It is when you let your reader know exactly what you're talking about, then elaborate on it without actually ever saying it. To give the work the title of what I was talking about was just part of what I've learned and part of my style; I don't always do it. And secondly, Audy did make some good points, but as I told her, this piece in other hands may be extended, or reveal more. That was not my purpose. I didn't want to approach it in that way. I didn't want to make this guy a character because he isn't. This poem is me. I intentionally made it short, straight forward, and obvious because the entire thing is a metaphor. Thank you for your thoughts though, I highly appreciate them.
Hey Antonio.
First of all, it's nice to know that we have an experienced writer here with us. Maybe you can post up articles on the various writing methods you say you know about. It'll help other YWSers to learn from you.
And okay, now I get your purpose. I'm not really familiar with the technique you're talking of but I trust you to know what you're writing. If you ever need help, do let me know.
Also, I liked reviewing and reading this piece. ^_^
AntonioRivera,
You seem to be somewhat newish to YWS, and to that I'd like to tip my hat. I hope you are enjoying the site so far! This piece caught my eye -- immediately what struck me was the originality in the metaphor and the maturity in the voice. Reading this was smooth, clean. T'was enjoyable and for that I gave it a like. Now, on to the review...
Get rid of filler words and phrases. These we use carelessly and habitually in speech, but they really don't mean or add anything to your prose. What does "to be honest" imply, that you're lying? No. Get rid of it. Now, what I would do is I would try to go line by line throughout this piece and see if you can't get rid of more filler words and phrases like the above.
This part is all over the place with little care for pacing. The first sentence describes an idea of old age that is never picked back up throughout this whole piece, it describes some kind of frantic scrambling that resembles more anxiety than depression. The sentences too, feel that way, almost like the narrator/speaker is more paranoid than depressed and that you're rushing through the piece to get to your grand epiphany. But the epiphany is not going to mean much without the journey, my friend.
The job/eviction thing just feels forced and out of place. I still haven't warmed up to the speaker as a character in order for me to care enough about what's happening to him. These are just laid out and thrown in there as facts, but there's little helplessness or failure in the tone/mood/atmosphere. There's little building at all in this, everything from this point on is just telling rather than showing.
There's a difference between:
"I lost my job. I am so depressed."
And
"I dug into the pockets of my gray sweats, straining to gather up some loose change among the crumpled bills and a torn application soaked in ink stains. I didn't bother to look up at the cashier as I surrendered the last of my findings upon the counter."
This is the strength of your piece, right here. This is the heart and soul. What really struck me about this is that you have this extended metaphor of personified depression almost as a lover - and I think that is quite fitting, because yes, lovers can be the death of you sometimes - they drive you crazy with all their faults, and yet you love them. And at the same time, that love may even damn you. That's the kind of relationship I see in this, and I think it's apt and beautiful, if only you could expand more upon it, or maybe even explore it! I want to see more showing and more scenes.
I hope this helps you in some way. Let me know if you have any questions or would like to discuss more. And maybe when I have the time, I'll review some more of your works. You write well, I only hope you keep writing!
~ as always, Audy
This is less about your review more about how you are managing to bold your words an get those quote boxes. In the old YWS you could have the tools above you like in regula posting, and it seems you have recreated it here, but how do you do it when all I have is the little white box at the end of the work?
Good question! What you have to understand is the new YWS design is divided into "literary" section and the "forum" section. I have the codes memorized - but for those who don't, you can actually go into the forum tab of the site, and by hitting the "Full Reply" button from any thread you choose to look at there, you can bring up the codes and copy/paste.
[ q u o t e ] and [ / q u o t e ] without spaces.
[ b ] for bold [ / b ]
[ i ] for italics [ / i ]
[ i m g ] for image [ / i m g ]
etc. Hope this helps!
Thanks for the review! As always, I will take your suggestions into consideration. At the end, when you mention the lovers and how that part is the heart of the poem, I am afraid you've mistaken it. That is not at all the point I was trying to get across with this. Perhaps I should've made that clearer. As far as developing and making you feel bad for the character, that too, was also not my intention. This piece is intentionally short and primarily meant to uplift those who deal with depression and encourage them to use it as motivation to achieve. I've read it multiple times, and I think I made that pretty clear. I am not at all insulting you, please do not think that. I guess you interpreted differently which isn't bad at all. You're a great reviewer, I'd love for you to read my other works.
Oh! Sorry, I was unclear with my review and I'm sorry if I brought offense in any way. I think this was as clear as day, so don't worry about making it clear-er. That this piece is uplifting/shows a new perspective on depression, that is evident! Your intentions came across and you succeed in what you want to get across. Beautifully!
My review is mainly focused on how to improve the /writing/ or how to make this /better/ or something greater. An uplifting message is what it is. An uplifting message with literary and storytelling merits is even better. That may not be your intention and that's okay. I don't mean to say that the message or the point of the piece is about romance or lovers, not at all. I meant "heart/soul" in the sense that this is where the emotions are in this piece, this is the part that moved /me/ and stirred me.
I'll be happy to review any and all of your pieces, you're an amazing writer. Keep in mind though that my reviews are going to focus on the /craft/ of writing and how to improve/better your pieces and your craft.
~ Auds
Hi, this is really good. I love how you have managed to embody depression, give it a shape and make it almost human. There is little I find wrong in this piece. In fact most of what I am about to tell you is just my personal opinion and me being nitpicky.
1. The way you format your sentences is very repetative. Some may like that in a poem, but I for one do not. I like variety and versitility in a poem for it creates a complexity and enjoyability. (though this was definatly enjoyable.
2. This is me being really nitpicky about some of the lines. I hope you find this helpful
"All because of you, and somehow I still fancy you a gift"
This line makes no sense to me, in or out of context. It is mostly because of the first part "All because of you," take that out and it works way better in leading up to the next few lines. You already established that the faliure and the pain and suffering is because of depression, you don't need to restate it here.
"I realize that you are eternal, in that everyone knows you."
I don't the word in. It really isn't needed and it clutters up the sentance. You actually don't need the second part at all, but at the same time i think you should keep it in since it works well with the way you have worded the following lines.
"You can not have me now, nor could you ever"
Consider changing could to will. You have already told it that it can't have you in the present, it knows it didn't have you in the past, but you never address the future, and that i the key thing that should be said as well. If you are going to address times (past, present, and future) pick one or do them all. Especally when you end with it. Making it a repatition at the end and in the beginnning of the stanza will help it be even more powerful of a statement.
I hope this helps, and I hope to see more work from you. PM if you have any questions! Good luck and good job!
Thank you for criticizing my work! I never get disappointed when people state their opinions; in fact I love it. Just by your suggestions, I feel connected with you as a writer. You're a piece of this writing now, so thank you very much.
How immensely beautiful. you've created a wonderful piece of prose and I applaud you on your artistic depiction of depression. It has the power to make someone view themselves and their life in a different way. The spirit of defiance is rich and encouraging. This piece is a gift.
Thank you for giving it.
RC
Thank you! Depression is something that entangles us all, so it is helpful to try to make something good of it and not look at it as a life ending emotion; rather an uplifting one.