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Love and Lies (Chapter 1)

by Anma


Hint, hint, based on one of my real relationships I had with a boy. It also goes with my poem That Boy.

LOVE AND LIES

Chapter 1

Sitting in the office baring my face in my arms, Jacob sitting across from me in a chair. His arms were folded as her glared at the vice principal. She sat scrolling through an ipad, here eyes moved slowly acrosst it.

“When can we get out of here?” Jacob grumbled adjusting in his chair.

“As soon as i say” the vice principal responded pushing her glasses up her nose.

“It was just a kiss! A kiss on a cheek! It’s not going to kill anyone”.

The vice principal looked up at him, “yes indeed it won’t kill anyone, but it’s still classified as pda which is not tolerated”.

Bella felt her own eyes roll at the answer, as well as at her boyfriend.He was so reklace, and difficult. But she couldn’t help but care for him, to like him. I mean come on? Bella sat crouched forward looking down at here butterfly vans.

The vice principal looked at her watch, “Bella, you can leave now” Bella hesitated looking at Jacob.

He gave her a look that said don’t you dare so she sat back down.

“I can’t leave tell he leaves” she pointed at Jacob, “ he drives me home”.

Jaco smirked at her “ya, and i don’t think you want her late getting home”.

She rolled her eyes, but sighed “fine, Jacob i want you back in my office tomorrow morning”.

“Yes Ma am” Jacob said in a sarcastic voice getting up and opened the door.

“Bella was about to follow him out but the princable blocked her, “keep more control of your boyfriend” she said.

Then she let her pass “goodbye bella” she smiled at her.


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20 Reviews


Points: 621
Reviews: 20

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Fri Apr 12, 2019 3:37 pm
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GigiNicole17 wrote a review...



Anma,

Hi!
Here's a small review for you.

The story was great! I love this chapter. I did feel as though maybe you could combine some of the paragraphs. But I'm assuming you separated it the way you did because it makes the dialogue easier to read. Just a though! I like that you took a real life thing that happened(couldn't think of the right word lol) and used it for your inspiration for this story. In my opinion, that's the easiest way to write a book, based on personal experience. I look forward to seeing the rest of this book. Great Job!

~Gigi <3




Anma says...


Thanks!



GigiNicole17 says...


you're welcome!!!



Anma says...


:)



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75 Reviews


Points: 1438
Reviews: 75

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Fri Apr 12, 2019 2:46 am
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Honora wrote a review...



Hey Anma!
I'm liking where this is going...even though I have NO idea where it actually is going lol. What can I say? I'm a sucker for bad boys. ;)

Anyway, review time.

So, I only have a few things to nitpick for you. :) I'm going to go out of my usual format and go a paragraph at a time since it isn't very long.

Before I start the paragraph thing, I noticed you kept switching from "her" to "I". Pick one and run with it.

PARAGRAPH # 1

"Sitting in the office baring my face in my arms, Jacob sitting across from me in a chair. His arms were folded as her glared at the vice principal. She sat scrolling through an ipad, here eyes moved slowly acrosst it."
There are a few mistakes in this one that I will point out.
"Sitting in the office (baring?) my face in my arms, Jacob [was] sitting across from me in a chair. His arms were folded as [he] glared at the vice principal. She sat scrolling though an ipad, [her] eyes moving slowly [across the screen.]"


PARAGRAPH # 2

Was good. No errors. :)

PARAGRAPH # 3

“As soon as i say” the vice principal responded pushing her glasses up her nose.
This one was pretty good. I am just going to add some description which you DON'T have to use if you don't want to. I'm not trying to write your book. :)

"As soon as [I] say," the vice principal, [figure out her name], responded, pushing her glasses up her [hawkish?] nose.

PARAGRAPH # 4

“It was just a kiss! A kiss on a cheek! It’s not going to kill anyone”.

"It was just a kiss! A kiss on the cheek [no less]! It's not [like] it's going to kill anyone[.]" [He exclaimed, clearly annoyed at her.]

PARAGRAPH # 5

GOOD!

PARAGRAPH # 6

"Bella felt her own eyes roll at the answer, as well as at her boyfriend.He was so reklace, and difficult. But she couldn’t help but care for him, to like him. I mean come on? Bella sat crouched forward looking down at here butterfly vans."
You had a perfect opportunity to describe Jacob. I'll show you what I mean:

Bella felt her own eyes roll at the answer, as well as at her boyfriend. He was so [reckless] [No comma] and difficult [no dot] [b]ut she couldn't help [caring] for him. [Liking] him. I mean come on! [Here describe what he looks like a little. Maybe he had beautiful green eyes that sparkle when he's being a smart ass!]

PARAGRAPH # 7 & 8 & 9

"The vice principal looked at her watch, “Bella, you can leave now” Bella hesitated looking at Jacob.

He gave her a look that said don’t you dare so she sat back down."

These sentences were both off a little. Try something like this:

The vice principal looked at her watch, "Bella, you can leave now."
Bella hesitated, looking at Jacob. At the 'don't you dare' look he gave her, she sat back down.

(#9)

“I can’t leave tell he leaves” she pointed at Jacob, “ he drives me home”

Just a couple errors.

"I can't leave [till] he does[,]" she [glanced] at Jacob, "[he's my ride home.]"


Skipping down to # 12

“Yes Ma am” Jacob said in a sarcastic voice getting up and opened the door.

That sentence was a bit of a drag on. Try breaking it up a bit.

PARAGRAPH # 13 & 14

“Bella was about to follow him out but the princable blocked her, “keep more control of your boyfriend” she said.

Then she let her pass “goodbye bella” she smiled at her.

These two could also easily be put into one paragraph:

Bella was about to follow him out but the [vice] principle blocked her way, "Keep your boyfriend in better control," she let Bella pass and added, a smile on her face, "Goodbye Bella."

And that's all! I know this review was long and I hope you didn't take offence to this because I DON'T mean it to be! I just want to help you! Honestly, whatever you don't want to apply to your story, don't...this is your story and I PROMISE I am not trying to write it for you. :)

Overall, I really like it and I look forward to reading more. You've caught my attention because it seems like it's going to be a fun book! ;) Good writing and keep up the good work!
Your friend,
Honora




Anma says...


Thanks Honora!



Anma says...


Hint, hint, this is based on one of my real relationships. Also is attached to That Boy



Honora says...


How intriguing! Well, if you must know, my book Be Careful Who You Trust, the guy drama that goes on is usually based on my real life experiences. We so are literally idea sisters! That's my new name for you XD



Anma says...


kk




People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke