this is really good!
Hybrid
By: Anma
Chapter 1 The Accident
"Get out," their mother said
"Mom, it was just a joke."
Their mom snarled " get out!"
Sarah paused, and her mother took her gun from her belt.
“Or I’ll shot you,” she said
Something tugged at Sarah’s gut telling her to move. Their mother was crazy and seriously drunk. She couldn't believe that their mother would do that, but they couldn’t take the chance. Sarah grabbed Missy's hand and pulled her away from there mother, Missy didn't seem to resist, so Sarah pulled her along. She appeared to horrify to do anything at all. They walked out of the living room, through the hallway into there room. When they got there, Sarah grabbed her keys, and phone of the dresser then reached for their jackets in the closet.
They started for the garage door and slipped inside. It was shivering cold like a big freezer, but Sarah shook it off. She unlocked the car, and it made a “honk” sound. Sarah flinched worried, did their mother hear? But when there was no yelling, she continued opening the passenger door for her sister. She climbed in after her and started the car. She opened the garage door and started backing out when their mother came out the front door. She yelled and started shooting at the tires, it made a clank sound as it hit the car. Sarah sped out of the driveway until they were far from the house. She let out a sigh and noticed Missy was crying. She frowned, poor Missy, she told herself.
She reached for Missy’s knee and stroked it “Its okay” she said comforting her.
"Everything’s going to be alright" she looked at the road in front of her. It was hard to see, it was very foggy. But she wasn’t mistaken when she saw a figure on the street.
“An animal?” She said, “no it’s a person.”
Sarah slamed on her brakes, and the car spun loseing control. They went off the road and crashed into the trees. Missy screamed a high pitch scream all little girls did. Everything spun then went completly dark. Sarah felt as if she was sinking into oblivion.
******************************************************************************
Sarah felt as if she was light like she was floating in thin air. Or that she was being pulled by the tide of the ocean. Something shined, and the first thing she asked herself was “am I dead? Was this heaven?” She felt a cold thrill on her back as she became aware of her surroundings. She was laying on the ground looking up at the sky.
A voice answered her question “No, not yet.”
“UMMM,” Sarah said confused and scared.
“Do you want to live?” the voice asked.
Sarah thought hard on this one, Did she? Her life hasn’t been the best that it could be. Sarah was so lonely in this world, no friends. Only a great sister she would love forever. A memory flashed before Sarah, it was her and Missy. They were running around the small oak tree in there back yard. “Missy”, her mind seemed to catch up to itself.
“Missy, the car crash, oh my god.”She said worriedly.
She was rushed, “I’ll take that as a yes,” the voice said again.
Everything disappeared around Sarah, but she still heard voices. It wasn’t the voice she heard before, it was more than one. Pain shot up her back as she moved her body a little. Sure ain't dead she told herself, so not in heaven either. She meant to giggle, but it came out gurgled.
Sarah heard the voices stop “she’s breathing” someone said.
Breathing she told herself, No dur I’m breathing? She noticed that she was tight, and wiggled her fingers opening her eyes. Nurses and doctor stood before her, and “Uncle John?” she said in a husky voice.
Tears sprang in his eyes “yes, yes its me” he said. “You came back” a teardrop slipped down his wrinkled skin. He looked as if he hadn’t sleep in days with the black spots underneath his eyes.
Sarah asked herself confusingly, did he mean she died? John gave her an impacting hug that knocked the wind out of her.
“Oh,” she said, nurses started moving again, talking. they pulled John back moving him out of the way as they checked her blood pressure.
They started checking her everywhere “nothing wrong?” the nurse asked. Sarah nodded and said, “I’m fine,” at least she felt fine.
They all looked at her in disbelief but they didn’t continue. They left the room in completesilence. Sarah looked down at her arms and legs, needles gripped her skin and the tubs tangled in every direction. One of the nurses walked back in with another hospital gown.
“Here you go,” she said, I thought you might want to change into a clean one.
She pointed to the one Sarah was wearing already. “The one you're wearing right now is a little, messy.”
Sarah smiled at her painfully “Thank you”. The nurse helped her remove the tangled tubes, and disconnected the missions from her body. She took the gown from the nurse and started to bring it over her head when she felt a pull. It was her back the skin felt as if it were held together by something. She tried to look but there was no use, she could,t see it. The nurse looked at her struggling to put it on and let out a breath, “Oh”. The nurse took it back from her and helped it on.
“What did you guys do to my back?” Sarah asked when they were done.
The girl smiled at her gently “you had surgery, so you had to have stitches, that’s why you had problems.”
Oh
“Who knew that changing was so painful” she said. The girl laughed, it was a pretty laugh one that sarah wanted to forget.
She felt tired and in pain so when she finally was gone she collapsed back to the mattress. Of course, she probably should have thought before doing that action. Pain shot up her spine life a striking snake.
Every inch of her shivered, “ouch” she sucked in a breath.
But the pain faded and she ended up closing her eyes to sleep.
Love it @Anma but speed up the plot other than that it's great and that's coming from someone who doesn't know the definition of sleep because of stories >~< 
Hi, you may call me Professor Jade and I'm here to review this!
I'm going to go through and just commentate my general thoughts and share tips. EnJoY!
"Get out," their mother said
"Mom, it was just a joke."
Their mom snarled " get out!"
Sarah paused, and her mother took her gun from her belt.
“Or I’ll shot you,” she said
SPELLING MISTAKES: You forgot the periods and spaces where there shouldn't be spaces. Be aware of this in future, please. It was a wonderful way to grab the reader's attention and it in a sense woke me up. Let's continue.
Something tugged at Sarah’s gut telling her to move. Their mother was crazy and seriously drunk. She couldn't believe that their mother would do that, but they couldn’t take the chance. Sarah grabbed Missy's hand and pulled her away from there mother, Missy didn't seem to resist, so Sarah pulled her along. She appeared to horrify to do anything at all. They walked out of the living room, through the hallway into there room. When they got there, Sarah grabbed her keys, and phone of the dresser then reached for their jackets in the closet.
The paragraph is too long. Maybe make it into multiple like:
Something tugged at Sarah’s gut telling her to move. Their mother was crazy and seriously drunk. She couldn't believe that their mother would do that, but they couldn’t take the chance.
Sarah grabbed Missy's hand and pulled her away from there mother, Missy didn't seem to resist, so Sarah pulled her along. She appeared to horrify to do anything at all. They walked out of the living room, through the hallway into there room.
When they got there, Sarah grabbed her keys, and phone of the dresser then reached for their jackets in the closet.
It flows better and seems more professional, right! My thoughts on the story itself this paragraph is "huh. I want to see what happens."
Let's venture onward, shall we?
They started for the garage door and slipped inside. It was shivering cold like a big freezer, but Sarah shook it off. She unlocked the car, and it made a “honk” sound. Sarah flinched worried, did their mother hear? But when there was no yelling, she continued opening the passenger door for her sister. She climbed in after her and started the car. She opened the garage door and started backing out when their mother came out the front door. She yelled and started shooting at the tires, it made a clank sound as it hit the car. Sarah sped out of the driveway until they were far from the house. She let out a sigh and noticed Missy was crying. She frowned, poor Missy, she told herself.
AGAIN WITH THE LONG PARAGRAPHS! Also, don't quote the word honk. This one could've flowed better and you executed the idea poorly. You didn't do too well and I'm sorry, but you kind of started to lose my interest.
Imagine readers' interest like fabric. You need to grab it, then maybe loosen a bit so too much doesn't happen to over-excite them. Then grab it tightly again. Moving on.
She reached for Missy’s knee and stroked it “Its okay” she said comforting her.
"Everything’s going to be alright" she looked at the road in front of her. It was hard to see, it was very foggy. But she wasn’t mistaken when she saw a figure on the street.
“An animal?” She said, “no it’s a person.”
Sarah slamed on her brakes, and the car spun loseing control. They went off the road and crashed into the trees. Missy screamed a high pitch scream all little girls did. Everything spun then went completly dark. Sarah felt as if she was sinking into oblivion.
I saw grammar mistakes. Imagine your story an unpolished diamond, fixing mistakes shines it up so the world can see the hidden gems. You need to show more detail. Good detail is the key to a great story. More in future, please!
*****************************************************************************
Don't ever do that to separate or show anything in a story. Make it two chapters or something.
Sarah felt as if she was light like she was floating in thin air. Or that she was being pulled by the tide of the ocean. Something shined, and the first thing she asked herself was “am I dead? Was this heaven?” She felt a cold thrill on her back as she became aware of her surroundings. She was laying on the ground looking up at the sky.
Nobody would act like this if they thought they were dead. Maybe cue the freaking out, pinching yourself to see if you feel pain, etc. Just basic panic stuff. Shined should be shone, but this caught my attention again. *Applauds*
A voice answered her question “No, not yet.”
(She was saying that aloud? Is what I thought. Maybe make the am I dead statement more clear that's she saying aloud instead of thinking it.)
“UMMM,” Sarah said confused and scared.
(Er.." Seems more appropriate)
“Do you want to live?” the voice asked.
(I like this. Blunt and to the point.)
Sarah thought hard on this one, Did she? Her life hasn’t been the best that it could be. Sarah was so lonely in this world, no friends. Only a great sister she would love forever. A memory flashed before Sarah, it was her and Missy. They were running around the small oak tree in there back yard. “Missy”, her mind seemed to catch up to itself.
More details again.
OI want to say more but I don't want to make this too long so I'll leave it at that. This is a good idea and a pretty interesting idea, but almost uninteresting at points. I wil read the next part but if it's bad I'm stopping.
(Please don't take any of this personally and I hope I'm not being too harsh. It's my style to correct all details. Minor or Major.)
-Professor Jade
hii @Anma, welcome to yws..
the story is good but too slow.the characters like sarah's mother and missy you need to tell more about them. it felt like i am not reading a story. but the plot and storyline is good you can trust me. Try to fix them i didn't find much grammar error. try to create some suspense. overall its good. waiing for the next part.keep writing.if possible tag me.. have a beautiful day....
Hey, I'm not going to be using my usual style today because reasons, which I hope you'll forgive me for. That said, let's get into reviewing.
My number one complaint is the general style you used for the entirety of the piece. I usually have to stop myself from criticizing writing styles, but this one just doesn't work. You are trying to tell a very dramatic and emotionally charged story here, but I'm just feeling nothing. I'm getting and "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" style detachment from this. Like everything is just being lived through as a kind of chill dream. If you want to fix this, try going through and making your sentences shorter, describe the metallic clang of bullets ricocheting off of the back of the car. Describe the loose grip with which their mother holds the gun. The sinking feeling in your MC's stomach as she realizes that she believes that the gun will go off. The desperation to get her sister to safety.
The whole thing just feels too slow, except the scene where she's dead and beyond, those were fine. Unfortunately, those were also very brief. I just couldn't feel the intensity of all of this and that's really a shame.
Anyway, I've gotta get back to staring at a pile of fabric and willing it to turn into a dress because the sewing machine is too loud to use right now and I also don't have a sewing project proposed, so i won't get school credit for making a dress.
Basically, I'm going to go be frustrated and wait for you to post the next chapter of this to see if I feel like ripping it to shreds or if I don't actually see any substantial problems with it.
Bye bye now!
120,222 Literary Works • 649,161 Reviews
Points: 189
Reviews: 2
Donate