You left me, I watched you fall.
You lay there unmoving,
I stood there shaking,breaking.
You were my best friend, the only one I loved.
*
It feels like it's been forever,
Yet I can't move on.
No, I refuse to let you go.
You were my everything, my world.
*
People have stopped crying,
Stopped talking about it.
Even mrs. Hutson moved on before me,
But she never knew you like I did.
*
I'm the only one who visits your grave.
The only one who still thinks on you,
The one who still misses you.
I'm nothing with out you.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
'I stood there shaking,breaking.' - you missed the space after the comma.
'mrs. Hutson' - This should be a capital 'M' and it's 'Hudson'.
'I'm nothing with out you.' - 'without' is one word.
First of all, I would just like to say: I was at a Q&A with Rainbow Rowell (new york times bestseller) and she said Johnlock was her OTP and that it's cannon.
Anyway, ow this hurt so much! I got so furious at Sherlock for not taking John's feelings into account when he ... did the thing. Let's not mention that. I like the last line because it reminds me of John's limp before he met Sherlock and how Sherlock filled a big gap in his life.
I would have liked a mention of Mary but if this is before he met her, then that's fair enough.
Well done!
Hello there, fellow Sherlockian, and happy review day!
Keep on writing!
Let's start with what I liked.
Even though I don't really ship Johnlock too much (just a little bit), I think that this was a cute poem, and it was ambitious of you to write poetry as fanfiction. I applaud you on that.
Now, for what I didn't like as much.
There's just not that much emotion put into it. Yes, we all know that John is devastated over Sherlock's "death", but why don't you show us that? As magpie said, this seems fairly generic. You could have John crying into his sheets at night, having hallucinations, hearing Sherlock talking to him wherever he goes. That would bring much more emotion to it. Also, this is pretty straightforward. It doesn't use much figurative language. Similes, metaphors, imagery. All those things are very important in making a poem a poem. Otherwise, it's just prose divided up into lines.
Overall, it's a cute fandom poem, and I enjoyed reading it. I just think it could use some improvement.
As soon as I saw the title I had to come read this! Now you've given me feels, so thankyou.
It's a good thing that I have feels though, because it shows that the poem has captured the Johnlock moments and the feelings associated with them.
So I was going to get to the tedious task of correcting a few little things but I've been beaten to it. But apart from those little bits, it's a perfect fandom poem. I sugget you put it on Tumblr! It flowed well and you got the details right. So well done!
Yeah. I should put it on tumblr! I think I will :3
Hello, AnimeGirl!
This sentence is a comma splice. That means that there are two independent clauses (sentences, basically) that are only connected by a comma. They need stronger punctuation. Either put a period after me, put a semi-colon after me, or use a conjunction in addition to the preexisting comma.So here's a disclaimer: I am not an expert at reviewing fanfiction. If I say something that doesn't go along with it, please feel free to disregard that piece of advice.
First, I'm going to go through and correct your grammar and punctuation.
Here is another comma splice. Your style seems to want to leave conjunctions out of it, so I'll strongly suggest in both instances that you connect the two independent clauses with a semi-colon. Like this: "You lay there unmoving;". Also, in the second line of the quoted passage, you need a space between shaking and breaking. I hate it when I missthe space bar.
Friend, make sure you spell the names of the characters correctly, especially in fanfiction. It's Hudson, not Hutson. Also, you should capitalize the M in Mrs.
"thinks on" isn't really correct. "Thinks about" is.
Without is one word.
You should single space poems. On YWS, you have to hold shift while you press enter in order for the lines to stay cozy with each other. Then, when you need a stanza break, just press enter with no need of shift! Then there's no need for an awkward asterisk!
In poetry, it's important to show and not tell. This poem tells us nothing but basic JohnLock doctrine. Show us that John feels for Sherlock, don't tell the reader that Sherlock is his world. Show us that John can't sleep at night. Show us that he has suspicions that Sherlock is a alive. Something. A big part of showing and not telling is imagery. In this poem, you have about one weak image, and that's of The Reichenbach Fall. "I watched you fall" isn't really an image. It's telling. In this instance, make John catch little details of when Sherlock is falling. I might write it like this:
"You fell like it was your duty:
an iron armed crucifix.
As if you were saving souls." Or something like that. Use similes and metaphors to bring what you're trying to say into life. Do this throughout the whole poem.
Altogether, watch your grammar, and add imagery to show and not tell. I hope this review proves useful to you! Have a nice day, and keep writing!