Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,570 Literary Works • 673,474 Reviews
I have deep feelings towards this one, I can have the same feelings. I think you should leave it just like it is right there. Its a great poem One that I would love to see as a song. I don't know how you would set it to just don't use country unless your a country fan then its up to you. I love you put emotion into it. It has just the right amount of description and lets the reader know what your feeling it sways with me because I right there in that girls shoes.
This is great. I do have a couple of picky things though:
instead of saying away twice I would just say "all have gone."
Also instead of "that if you touched me" it should just be "if you touched me," drop the that.
I REALLY like this, I just have to tell you: "The kind of feeling you get that makes you want to exclaim this emotion building inside
to all who will listen and even those who won't.That you are giddy with nerves,
It stops.
Gone.
You look away and reject me with silence."
And this: "It may just be a simple upturning of the mouth,
but to me, it's the grin that makes my day."
I COMPLETELY get how you're feeling. Seriously. Anyway it's good despite my picky-ness
Wow- this is really good, considering it only took you five minutes! You captured the feelings really well. The only thing I thought you could fix would be to shorten the line "The kind of feeling you get that makes you want to exclaim this emotion building inside" It ruins the beat of the poem because it's longer than everything else. Aside from that, I think you did a great job! I especially love these lines- "When you smile,
everything fades away.
The Sights, the sounds--all have gone away." and the way you used it to both start the poem and to end it.
Hi, Angie.
When you smile,
I like your poem, and love the words. If anything, I'd organize it better and make look more uniform. I would make stanzas, and I would try to make the lines look almost alike... phisically. XD Bahah. I don't know if I expressed myself well, so I'll show you what I mean. Click the spoiler!
Spoiler
Everything fades away.
The sights, the sounds;
all have gone away.
When you smile,
I just can't breathe.
I don't understand why
a simple upturning of the mouth
can do these things to me.
When you smile,
It makes me feel shaky.
That if you touched me,
I'd shatter into a thousand pieces.
But it's a warm, fuzzy feeling;
The kind of feeling you get
that makes you want to exclaim this emotion
that's building inside to all who will listen,
and even those who won't.
When I think you might be feeling this too,
That you are giddy with nerves,
It stops.
Gone.
You look away and reject me with silence.
When you smile,
everything fades away.
The Sights, the sounds;
all have gone away.
It may just be a simple upturning of the mouth,
but to me, it's the grin that makes my day.
Also, I noticed how you changed the style of the poem (stanza 4), it's kind of rare and random, but it's written nicely. I like that you repeated the first stanza to emphasize the point, and I mus say, the end is lovely. Good job!
~Sol Valeria<3
Okay. first off angie, this was amazing. I loved the amount of vivid detail you put into it.
Second of all, I also enjoyed the way you described your emotion so fluidly, as if the words were created just for this poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I hope that you will write more.
Also, the ending was great. Not bad for 5 minutes!!!