I don't remember,
But I must have come from you. This deep-rooted yearning
For you never ends.
You must have birthed me,
Thrown me against the jagged fangs of the shoreline
Warm from your embrace.
My gills shut after,
Sealing the grim certainty of life without you
But you drew me back.
You call me to you,
My heart beats with your crashing waves, we are one,
Everyday you call.
You are ethereal,
You were here when life began, you'll be here when it ends
You are eternal.
You are everything,
curling and lashing in your fury and your might,
You are all to me.
I do not fear you,
I do not resist you - I welcome you - we have
Accepted one another.
--
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,334 Literary Works • 672,104 Reviews
This is Nikayla here for a review!
A poem made out of tercets. Interesting. Nonetheless, let's jump right into the review of the poem! The first stanza strikes me as you intended it to be with the romantic feel it has throughout it. I think my main problem with it as well as the rest of the poem because it's mostly the same for the rest of it as well, is that it's very general and broad. It doesn't hone in on this love and you give us the most generic and basic thing possible. Romance poetry is often something that's difficult to write due to originality, though you don't need to be original to put your own personal twist on something.
Instead of flooding the poem with lines that anyone could write (which is what the poem feels like at points) make it more personal to you. Something that I did like about the poem and something that I did think had potential is the imagery that you use, and I was wanting more from it. Stanzas two through five are the strongest ones in the poem because of this--because they follow a common line of imagery and build on each other.
If you scrapped the rest of the stanzas other than two through five, keeping in mind what you had before but inserting it in the ocean or seashore imagery you already have going, I think it would make for a stronger poem than it is at this point. The structure is a little odd, having the second line longer than the first and third in a stanza, but it works. I suggest playing around with it a little more for fun, but really what I want to see is the poem narrowed down and honed in on the ocean/seashore/gills imagery you already happened to establish.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Wow, I like this a lot. It reminds me of a siren's call. This was probably just a typo but it should be "every day" here. You wouldn't use "everyday" unless you were describing something like "everyday chores." Keep writing!