I’m very bad.
I must be very bad to deserve this. I’ve been locked in. There is no food, no water. There is no bed, no warmth. There is no way out. I’ve been locked in by my best friend. Let me go.
Debris is scattered around, unwanted humans’ things, dumped here in this place with the too-high walls and left to rot. Shards of glass cover the ground like harsh grass and spears of rusty metal stick up like winter trees. The crumbly walls tower above me. It truly is bleak. Yes, I must be very bad.
I’m hungry. I can’t move and look for food, though; my feet are bleeding. Not that there’d be any food in a place like this. There isn’t water, either. I’m so thirsty, just a drink would do. Have I been so bad that I can’t have a drink?
I'm cold. It smells like it's going to rain. I'm alone, and I'm scared.
I won’t do it again, whatever it was that I did. My friend knows that. He’ll be back for me. I only want to see him again. I only want to apologise for the terrible thing I must have done.
I'm getting so cold.
Not thirsty anymore. Don’t need food, or water.
Just sleep.
Thanks for reading! It's short and there isn't much description, but feedback is appriciated :). It's heavily based on an RSPCA advert whose name I can't remember.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,871 Literary Works • 672,780 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
The mental picture that is being painted there is rather bleak I have to say. It looks like this is someone with rather self worth, perhaps from having being subjected to this torturous scenario repeatedly for quite some time and well the descriptions here do certainly confirm the idea that these conditions have played a big part in this mental demise of sorts.
Hmm, taking a second look at this and seeing the title, it seems this is from the perspective of a dog here and one that is clearly being mistreated. Well that does certainly alter the way this one appears here because now its quite clear we've got a bit of a different situation going on where its a bad owner who doesn't understand what the dog has to go through. Well, it certainly paints quite a picture here and with the title, sends a pretty powerful message here. Overall, a decent piece here, on that certainly accomplished what it sets out to do I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, AnarchyWolf! Lupa here for a review!
Let's jump in...
1) Your title bugs me, and here's why. It's a very blunt statement that sounds more like a protest poster than a title for your story. I suggest something more fit to this piece.
2) As your little note at the bottom said, there's little description, and I think more imagery would do well to your work. I also want more of how the dog feels, more than being hungry or thirsty. And small details of how the dog looks (for example, "I can feel my ribs poking into my skin.") would be nice, too.
I can't really find much to critique, but it's a good and emotional piece. I liked your support for the dogs' well-beings a lot, so points to you for that. Overall, 8/10 for a very nice work!
XOX,
Lupa22
Thank you for reviewing
Yeah, it really does need work on the description xD I'll keep your points in mind when I write in the future.
Anytime!
Hey! This short story was very interesting. I really enjoyed reading it! The bluntness of the main character’s words is very beneficial to the story as it adds a quick pace that saves it from becoming too long and redundant. Make sure not to completely take away the subjects of some sentences, though!
My absolute favorite element of this short story is how I, a human, was able to relate to this dog. To be totally honest, I thought this story was about an imprisoned human until I read your note at the bottom. In my opinion, that’s awesome! This writing humanizes the dog, and makes it more relatable for the reader. Kudos to you!
I just have a few notes about this, which is great!
•I would omit the line “Let me go,” or relocate it to a different paragraph as it seems unnatural in its current position.
•“Not that there’d be any food in a place like this. There isn’t water, either.”- This (and the line before) combined makes this idea a little bit redundant. I would consolidate the idea of no food and water into one or two sentences.
•“Not thirsty anymore. Don’t need food, or water.”- In my opinion, these sentences would flow better if you added “I’m” and “I” to the beginning of each.
I really enjoyed this! Keep writing! You’re great!
-h
Thank you for reviewing
I'll keep your feedback in mind!