Chasing Eden
“Eden... I’ll find you.”
They’d told him Eden was impossible. But they couldn’t feel it.
The pull had dragged his shuddering wings and faded mind from the ice floes. The pull had led him over endless wastes of writhing ocean. The pull had left him pinned to the sky for days.
The pull had made him flee his home.
Cliffs loomed out of the clouds. Skewered on them was a town that sprawled from the docks at the feet of the cliffs to the upland above them. His eyes widened, transfixed, as he started to land with a few adjustments of his flight feathers. The market-town was a metropolis compared to the hamlet of tents he was used to living in.
Exhaustion made his wings ache to shift back to arms - Noel could feel the joint twisting in anticipation. It was the longest he’d ever gone without letting them shift back to arms.
The town sped towards him, its unforgiving stone frowning as he approached. He tried to splay his feathers against the wind, his sleek tern’s wings not meant for such moves. In the docks below, heads turned and shouts drifted up. The rushing of the wind snatched away their voices as Noel let his legs swing forward and let his wings shift back as he approached.
The last seconds of his flight became a fall.
He slammed into the stone steps that were carved into the cliffside. His bearskin coat helped to break his fall, as did his hands. He grunted as he pushed himself up and past the stunned people, shoving them into the stone walls on either side as he scrambled up and into the maze-like streets.
Shouts echoed after him. He heard one screech of “damn animal!”
Noel raced through the town, being pushed and buffeted by people with each step. He stumbled back and forth, almost suffocating on the acrid stenches that burned his throat, stepping in things he didn’t want to think about.
After all his staggering, he found himself in a backalley, leaning against a house as he caught his breath and tried to calm himself down.
“You must be the new one.”
Noel spun around, backing up a few paces. Behind him was a boy, taller than him, with strangest hair Noel had ever seen - red. He had freckles, too, and a tag in his ear.
“What?”
“The new one. You’re the one who came crashing in just now? Without a tag or anything?”
“A tag?” Noel frowned, “yeah, okay. I need to go.”
The boy grabbed Noel’s wrist as he made to leave, “you can’t. They’ll catch you.”
“I’m sorry, but I really have places to be...” Noel trailed off, protesting but not fighting physically. According to the rules he’d grown up with, leaving such a situation would be rude.
“Well, then. I’ll teach ya,” the boy beckoned for Noel to follow him deeper into the alleyway, “I’m Elias.”
“Hello, Elias.” Noel said, glancing desperately back the way he’d come, the way Eden was calling him, “I’m Noel.”
“Well, Noel. What kind of animal are you?”
“An Arctic tern.”
Elias cocked his head, “a what?”
“A bird.”
“Oh.” Elias said, “I’m a fox.”
“Okay.” Noel said, “and if that’s it, then -”
“No.” Elias pointed to the tag in his ear. His playfulness had left. “You need a tag. You’re going to be arrested because you came without one.”
“Arrested? What?”
“You’re a shifter. You mean terror for them. They hate us. And once you’re arrested...”
“What then?”
“You’ll be enslaved.”
Noel stared at Elias for a full few seconds, mind whirring.
“C’mon,” Elias said, “it’s not so bad. I can get you out of the city... If that’s what you want.”
“You can? Please.”
“Come with me. I need to make a stop to Luca first.”
Noel followed Elias past endless houses made of cob and stone. The streets changed from dirt to cobble as they got deeper into the city. They rounded one more corner and, huddled in a blanket and curled up against a wall, was a small, sickly-looking boy that Noel assumed must have been Luca. He was blond and pale, with huge dark smudges under his eyes to accent his stare.
Elias sat down behind the boy, letting him lean on his shoulder.
“So, Noel, why are you here?”
“I’m looking for Eden.”
The Luca stirred from Elias’ shoulder, “Eden?”
“Yeah. You’ve know about it?”
“Who hasn’t?” he paused, "every one of us feels and knows."
Noel nodded, “so you both feel it too.”
“Yeah.”
Noel’s eyes shut with exhaustion, his mind hazy. The thought came to him sharply, “you both feel it... How can you feel Eden calling you, and ignore it? What kind of life are you living here? It’s... Disgusting.”
“Hey,” Elias growled, “you can’t come along without a tag and just spout crap like that.”
Noel snarled, “I’ll do whatever I want! I won’t stand for you and him wasting two chances to find Eden. What kind of ignorance is that?”
Elias gave him a partly amused look, the corners of his mouth tilting up, “well. You’re strange, aren’t you?”
Noel clenched his fists. “I don’t care. I just don’t understand how you can’t want to find Eden.”
“Of course we want to find it.”
“Then come with me.” Noel said, “Eden wouldn’t be much fun without friends.”
Elias looked at Luca, who leaned over and whispered something. Noel watched, cracking his knuckles, and Elias nodded.
“Let’s find Eden.”
This was just a kind of prologue-y thing for an idea I'm toying with.
Review Time!
Okay, let me just say I absolutely loved the beginning and the suspense of it, the description of the pull. What I didn't expect was that these were a bunch of animals. At first glance it looks like this involved a winged man or an angel so it gave me quite the shock when I found out that these were animals.
What I would like to see is you writing more of it. I want to see if Eden is truly all that they feel and hope it to be.
It was only a one-off, so - probably - won't write any more of it, especially now I have two full-on stories to work on, but I'll let you know if I post more.I've only got 10 minutes, so the clock's-a-ticking.
Wow! Your writing style is enthralling. A reviewer below described it as "slick," which is apt, in my opinion. In particular, you described a town as being skewed on some cliffs, which for some reason is really sticking with me. Your description of Noel flying gave me a nice little taste of (presumably) something Noel does often, without drawing it out too long.
I thought that your MC was an angel for a little while there, but that was cleared up a ways in. I'd say you did a good job with the balancing act of introducing your story/world/MC with out barfing out exposition. The ache of his wings and the angry townspeople stood out to me; they let me know important things without telling me straight out: "Noel is a humanoid with wings. He is a pariah from normal human society."
I'd take a second look at where Elias enters and beyond, however. I'm not super sure why Elias would help him out so much at first, and then Noel goes and comes off as very high-and-mighty. I don't know why those guys would even put up with Noel, let alone decide to join him on some crazy quest for the mythical "Eden" after he yells at them about how ignorant they are for two seconds.
All right, the world's-a-movin', and I've gotta go! Hopefully my two cents were worth something to you.
Keep writing!!
Wow.
I am in awe of this utopian world you have created. You added just enough detail to keep me enthralled and able to create my own mind movie all at once. The only thing I would change would be for you to go through and re-read your piece and find the few staggering misspelled words and punctuation errors. I'm sorry this wasn't really helpful, but I would love to review more of this project, if you do continue to write it, so please let me know if you post more!!
Thanks for the read,
Rascalover
Hey there, AnarchyWolf! I spotted this piece of yours in the green room, so figured I'd come on over and review it for you
Though this is quite a short prologue/chapter thingy, it's very intriguing, and overall you've done a god job. In regards tot he technical side of your writing (grammar, spelling, yadda yadda yadda), it all seems pretty clean and slick to me, so a thumbs up on that. From what I can gauge from this so far, you seem to have an original idea here, and the quest these guys are about to go on could certainly become an exciting one. You had some nice imagery at the beginning of this too, and it set the scene nicely. Though this is a short piece, I do feel like I know noel decently as well, which is a massive bonus. I can't delve too deep because it is such a short prologue, but I can already see his hot headedness coming out. It'll be interesting to see how his relationship with Luca and Elias develops too. So yeah, overall, you've got a good thing going here
As for critiques, I think the main thing for me is that you might just jump into things a bit too quickly. I like to be thrown right into the action, don't get me wrong, but when it leaves me feeling a bit disorientated, that isn't great. We don't know anything about Noel's past, where he's travelled from, his reason for chasing Eden (other than a compelling feeling, does he have nothing important back home that restrains him?) Everything just feels very quick and sudden, and it resulted in me being rather confused at first, and leaving here feeling equally confused. I'm not saying I want Noel's life story written into this prologue because, well, it's a prologue. Not forgetting the fact that info-dumping is a no go zone, regardless of whether it's a chapter, a prologue, or the whole novel. I just think we need a bit more meat to this, something for us to grasp onto that gives us a clearer idea of what's going on.
On a similar sort of note, you could also do with more worldbuilding. This is strongly linked to what I mentioned above because by showing us the world this is set in more clearly, we'll naturally feel less confused by everything, and it won't feel so diving in head first. Again, don't info-dump or anything, but introduce us to this fantasy world a bit more. Us readers have no idea what's going on in your head, and so when we're thrown into an entirely made up world, we need some help. So far, all we really know is that there are shapeshifters (who shift into animals), and that this particular village isn't fond of them (but where Noel comes from, they're considered okay?) Again, I realise we won't know everything by the end of the prologue (nor would I want to), but I'd like to feel like I have a vague idea of how everything in this place works. Are shapeshifters the only 'magical' beings? What period is this set in? Is it futuristic? Archaic? What kind of state is the world in?
On another similar sort of note (I will move beyond this, I promise 
), I feel like we need some kind of idea to as of what Eden is. Originally, for whatever reason, I assumed it was a person, probably a girl. This may just be because of your chosen title, as there are a few novels titled Chasing (insert name here) and they're generally about people. Plus Eden can be a name. As this neared the end though, I began to get the impression that Eden isn't a person, due to it being referred to as it and just in the general manner it's discussed. It still could be a person, I guess, but I don't think so. As such, I'm left rather dazed and confused. You don't have to tell us what eden is right here, right now, but some hints or foreshadowing could be beneficial. Purely so that us readers can start guessing, and at least be able to associate it with something.
Finally, it seemed odd to me that Elias and Luca immediately agreed to join Noel on his quest. Firstly, they don't know this guy, and to them he seems quite strange. Secondly, what has been stopping them thus far? They seemed to find the idea of him trying to find Eden somewhat crazy, yet agree to do so themselves moments later. I just think you need to make the process of them agreeing to follow Noel in his quest a bit slower, and a bit more detailed. You don't have to go crazy, but we need to see them warming to the idea because as it stands, it's not super realistic. They just whisper to each other for a few seconds, and suddenly they're totally up for it, but we need a bit more than that based on their initial reactions to Noel's plans. Either that, or you could change them to be more curious and open to the idea in the first place!
That's it for now, anywho. Please do take everything I've said here with a pinch of salt because in the end, it is all opinion based, and these critiques aren't at all to say that I don't like what you have here. It's a really interesting opening, and from what I can tell of the story so far, you have a pretty original idea here. If you are still toying with the idea of this, I definitely think you should keep writing it. It has heaps of potential, and could become something pretty awesome. If you've got any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate to give me a nudge and let me know
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
120,207 Literary Works • 649,084 Reviews
Points: 174
Reviews: 22
Donate